MLC BS2

[SirPrizeMe]

I don't know, it's still 2nd choices for me. Tonight I returned my kids to a babysitter. As if that is what they need. The wife is not at home, but she insisted that I Return the kids "on time" to the babysitter. How dumb is that.
So I return my kids, smile and kiss them, and go off and do my 2nd choice.

At some point I just accept I cannot have what I want.

[Imageer]

I want to be with my kids and my W but I also want to do things to better me.

I also have a schedule that I have my kids for 2 weeks and my W has them for 2 weeks. So when I have them, I do dad and kids stuff but when my W has them I do me stuff.

I work a lot of late hours because it is hard to take care of the kids by myself and give my business the attention it needs. So I leave a lot of things until I don't have the kids. I also plan my GAL for when I don't have the kids.

I miss my kids when I don't have them but I decided a while back that I was going to make this time of separation work for me, so I try to use it to achieve my personal goals. When I'm doing that I don't feel like I'm settling for 2nd choices.

[SirPrizeMe]

makes sense, sounds like a really good approach.

[Patrick325]

It is hard to find something new that is your own. I have started taking Karate and it has helped me alot.

I had a strange experience with my daughter tonight after karate. She told me one of her friends moms has talked about setting me up with a friend of her's. I was taken aback, because I never thought of how to talk to my D14 about this. I told her I was not intersted in dating and that I was still married to her mother. She commented how mom was doing what she was doing(living with the OM) and I said "that's her choice"

I am not sure if that was the right thing to say. I did say to her " I am still married ot your mother" but I don't know how that worked.

How do I answer those kind of questions??

[SirPrizeMe]

I think what you said was fine.
Answering a 14-yr old in that way is fine. The key thing is to NOT put them off or duck the question.

"I'm still married" is a very good answer.
"I'm not interested in dating" is another one.
"I don't want another woman in my life right now" is another one.

"That's her choice" is another good response. If you want to elaborate you could say, I don't agree with what your mother is doing or has done, but that is her choice, not mine.

[SirPrizeMe]

The other thing I was going to say - it is ok and even recommended to invite comment or questions from the 14 yr old. Sometimes they want to ask and don't know how. They need you to open the door.

"What do you think about all this?" is ok to say, as long as it is not received as pressure. You could invite comment non-verbal cues, as well. eg, Raised eyebrows and a chin bob, suggesting a "what do you think?" invitation.

If they decline the invitation, let it be. Don't need to flood them with information or opinion they did not ask for.

[Imageer]

I agree. I think you answered the questions just fine. To me, the only think that you have to watch for when talking to your kids about this is that you don't slip in to bashing your W.

[Patrick325]

Today was another rough one. I had to finally get over to the house and get some of the furniture out of the house before the bank takes it. Of course my wife came from across the street to make sure I didn't take anything she wanted. She has been asking for the last month to come over and get some of the stuff. We had an argument over the bed because she wanted to sell it. We had agreed that I could have it then she calls me last night to tell that I couldn't have it. So I brought over the moving truck with my three nephews to move. She kept going on about the fact that she wants me to give her money because she isn't working. I keep telling her that I shouldn't have to give her money since I keep the kids 1/2 of the week and I need to provide for my kids for the time that I have them. I have to pay rent and make sure that there is food in the house for the kids as well as the other bills I have. I explained to her again (like I have time and time again), that she was the one that wanted a divorce and that I shouldn't have to support her and myself since we are not together. When we were together we both made about the same amount of money. I am not rich by any means making about 40K a year. She went on saying that I have been doing a lot of things since we have been seperated(taking the kids camping, to theme parks and out to eat) and that I never did that much when we were together. It's somewhat true because I am probably over compensating because I want to make my kids happy since they are going thru so much. But we used to do alot even back then. We have gone on family trips out of state, cruises with the kids and out to eat once in a while. I had a pretty big mortgage before after we put on a pool so we couldn't go out to eat as often as I do now with a smaller rent. She told me that I never really loved her and that I just loved the thought of her being there for me....

[Patrick325]

cont....

I probably wasn't DBing very good and I told her that my only goal right now was to repair our marriage. I asked her why did she think I was waiting so long for her(not dating). She was crying about not being able to find a job and telling me she has been trying very hard to find one. I told her that I love her still and we could start over fresh. She said that we don't have anything anymore financially which is somewhat true except for our retirement savings(that is dwindling with the crappy market). I told her it didn't matter and that we started with nothing and could work our way back up. I would help her find a job and she was welcome to move in to my house. I rubbed her back as she cried and she told me to stop so I did. She told me she has someone who loves her now but she did admit that she believed me when I told her I loved her. Then this afternoon my brother in-law said my mother in-law mentioned something about her getting married again...It really hurt me to hear that. I don't know if it's true but it scares me and really makes me sad. I kind of felt like we made some headway talking today but that blew it for me.

[Patrick325]

I was wondering what anyone thought of this idea. I need a haircut and my W always used to cut my hair since she used to be a beautician. Would it be advisable to ask her to cut my hair and offer to pay her to do it? It's kind of a silly question but we used to have good talking time while she did my hair...I'm not sure if she will say yes but I know she could use the money. I have been trimming my hair myself fo the past year. Since I am half bald it's pretty easy...I guess after talking to her the other day I just want to have achance to be close to her again...