So I don't see how this will ever get better. When ever we get into a conversation, about seemingly anything I get emotional, then he gets defensive and tells me I am not his problem, he doesn't have to worry about my feelings any more, he is just straight with me and that is that.
Tonight he picked up the kids, I was telling him about our sons doctor's appointment, and what happened and what the doctor said, and he was walking around and walking out the door, I was following along, then I got fed up with him walking away and turned and went back into the house, we didn't finish the conversation. Once inside I got mad because I felt like he needs to not walk away from me when we are discussing the kids. I went out and confronted him, he got pissy and claimed it was all in innocence and he was just trying to get the kids ready, and I said you don't need to act like I am evil incarnate, and he said I don't I have been respecting you and I talk to you, but I don't have to worry about your feelings and I am not going to tell you you aren't that every week, I told you and I am not going to do this. He was incredibly defensive, and he was yelling at me, he made me feel like the worst person on earth. I have been very accomodating to him, I let him pretty much do what ever he has wanted to do in regards to this whole separation, move when he wanted, held onto his dog despite the incredible stress it was putting on me. yada yada yada, and all he can do is throw in my face that he isn't worried about my feelings and he isn't my buddy, yeah I got that. But I thought his goal was to be friends so the kids would have that, he seems to not want that, that is the vibe I am getting from him. He shows no interest in my life what so ever.
I hurts, and it makes me sad, and it makes me hate him for this whole mess. I am trying to be nice and take the high road, and he is throwing it in my face.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
I have been pretty busy the last few days. I guess that is a good thing. Low stress for me in terms of the relationship/communication with H, maybe because he was unreachable and I didn't have to worry. Talked to him a couple times today, I was friendly, but not clingy or emotional. His sister wants to get together with me, not sure if I can do that or not, it seems really painful, I suppose I should do it sooner or later. I hate this. I wish I knew what was really in the cards, then I could not worry, wait it out, get over it, move on, what ever, just don't like this not sure which way I want to go feeling either.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Today I was thinking about my situation in preparation for my counseling session and I realized that right now I am not sure what I want. I am feeling better, feeling like I can manage, but not happy about it. Accepting, like I said before. Then when I got to counseling I still got teary. I think my brain is major confused. Perhaps it is a good thing I get no positive vibes from H. He seems so defensive all the time. I am pretty much just going to back off, I only call him when it is something about the kids anyway so I don't know what he has to complain about.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
H stopped by this morning and on the way out told me he is seeing someone, of course I was upset and we kind of argued, wish I hadn't broken down. I guess another nail in the coffin still hurts, even when you think it won't. I am not surprised on one hand, he has been "looking" for a long time. I guess there was just part of me that thought maybe. I feel like the ugly step sister. that is the part that hurts the most, I feel so unattractive, and like I will be alone forever, which I don't want. I supposed the best thing I could do would be to try and focus on working on myself, but I just feel like it is hopeless. sigh, why does this stuff cut so deep
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
it has been a long day for me today, lots of back sliding, tears, hopelessness. I did email H and say I was sorry for the way the talk went, and we clarified a few issues, he said he doesn't want to deal with my sadness because it hurts. I didn't go to school today, and moped around most of the day, not productive at all. I am going to go to soccer tonight, that will help. Kids are now gone for the weekend, that doesn't help, I feel like I get nothing.
I am not sure how to process this, mostly I am avoiding thinking about it.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
I have been very accomodating to him, I let him pretty much do what ever he has wanted to do in regards to this whole separation,
Why did you make it easy for him? The WAS should earn their way out of the R, IMHO. Somehow, I think you feel because you were so accommodating, that he owes you. He has detached, and the only consideration he possibly owes is that you are still the mother of his children, and therefore needs to work on having a good working R on those ground.
It's sad when the LBS has not let go yet. I read on someone else's thread: "drop the rope before you get dragged". So true! He is "seeing someone else" ... probably has been for awhile, even before he left. This should be the signal to move on.
But, we all have our time to grieve, to let go, etc. No-one can be rushed, or held back. Just keep working at moving on, being your own unique self, GAL, and know that you are a wonderful mom, and your intentions were good as a W, I'm sure. Your H has chosen another path, one you can't follow, so you have to grow in other ways. No, he's not responsible for your feelings or happiness, but he is for your children's, and having a good R with their mom will certainly help them.
Sorry for the long ramble --- hope I don't come across as too harsh. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
