my story

[123snap]

all my good feelings of last night have dissolved, I slept great for once, so not sure why. I feel very alone in this struggle. It seems like the support is so there for the first week or so and then is dissolves as other peoples lives take over. I hate to burden people all the time with my troubles, but miss feedback.

[Work2do]

Hang in there 123. We all backslide we all go up and down on the rollercoaster. Breathe. Relax. Or workout do something different because I believe part of the GAL/PMA stuff it will make you focus on that and let your mind clear and there. Something we all need to do. Your visitation sounds very good for a good break. My sitch is the opposite as I have the kids all the time and she just bailed and now re-writes marital history but is remembering the good and the bad.

Do something for you. Just you. Shoes, hair do/cut, new book, something.

[nw626]

Hey 123
I agree with Work2do....go out and do something that makes you happy. You deserve it
May be you can do something that you and your kids never done before. Try some new exotics cuisines (Indian, Japaneses Korean...etc) that you never had. You kids need a happy mom.

I think we all hate this roller coaster ride. Hang in there...

We are all here for you.

NW626

[123snap]

Took the kids to a farm market/pumpkin patch thing today, they both ended up bringing friends and some neighbors went with us, it was nice, all had a good time. I didn't feel too funky being alone with another couple so that was good.

Talked to H after his marathon, he was pretty happy, I did some praising of his accomplishment, so that was a good opportunity for me to get in a little ego boosting for him.

I am feeling a bit better this afternoon, getting out in the fresh air helped a bunch. Need to set some goals for myself and see if I can actually achieve them, I am not usually a goal setter so that would be a big change for me.

I'm glad I have the kids until next wed, but then h has them for 4 nights, that will be hard, longest stretch yet, but I agreed to it, so.....

Neighborhood party tonight, that will be nice.

[123snap]

after I posted the above the kids called H before we left for the party, he talked to both of them then I heard my son ask if he wanted to talk to mom, didn't hear the answer, but heard okay good bye and my son hung up. that hurt so much for some reason, I guess I feel like i have urged him on and praised him for his accomplishment and he doesn't even feel the need to talk to me about it, i supported him in his efforts and i feel like i mean so little to him.... i know I am assuming stuff here and maybe he just didn't have anything to say, but why did something so insignificant hurt so much, had a cry to my mom, she helped reminded me I am strong and can get through this, though there are times when i am not so sure, especially when something so small erupts a mountain of emotion, maybe i am as wacked as he says or sees to think, i don't think i am a time bomb, i don't think i am an emotional wreck, i am not a person who buries their emotions and i communicate what is on my mind, i am not perfect and can work on my skills and i am but i can't believe i am such a nightmare to live with.

need to let it go and go to bed

[Work2do]

123Snap, keep talking on here when you can. Your not "wacked" focus on PMA, I know it's hard I do the same sometimes if not often and have to catch myself and say "STOP". Not out loud of course but perform the action and put a red stop sign up mentally to stop the negative thoughts of myself or W.

You are strong. And your doing the right things talking to other people and here on the BB.

[123snap]

well the last couple days have been better, twice on sunday he came over and both times I was not home, he called me once, and the next time the kids and I were on a walk, funny but it felt good to not be sitting there waiting for him.

I have been busy with school and not feeling quite as down, it helps to have other things to think about and also helps to have that little cry behind me. Maybe I need to let these things out once in a while.

H is kind of strange when he is here, he seems uncomfortable. I don't know why, I asked him if he made an appointment with the divorce counselor and he said not yet, because he has been busy, no other reason. He mentioned tonight that it is hard for him to come and help me in the mornings twice in a week, so he is wondering if my mom can come and help instead, I will think about it and see what I can come up with. I may have to work something else out. Not sure how to handle this, I kind of need to get to my early class, but.... this has to work as well.

strange how at times you can feel so numb to it all.

[123snap]

so h wants to switch up a weekend with the kids, I am of course wondering why, and jumping to conclusions of course, but I am not going to ask, that would be a 180 as I am sure he is expecting me to. I need to not obsess about it though. I need to work on this distance thing, what is that website that is supposed to be so good for that?

I am still maintaining a fairly even keel, we exchanged a few "words" the other night when I suggested he could have dinner at my house tonight before the parent teacher conference and he said that would be okay if I was offering, duh didn't I just offer?

So I am still not sure if he is eating with us or not, but will plan enough so he can eat if he wants.

You know right now he seems so uncomfortable and guarded around me, I hate it, I feel like this is not going to ever change. I have no positive signs at all. I am just trying to deal but I think I need to let go of the hope because I see nothing good, I still feel like we could put it together again, I still think I would be open to that, but I just have no hints of suggestions in this regard from him at all.

Maybe that is what I need to do, just let go and get on with my life and cross bridges when I come to them.

[123snap]

My kids are with H this weekend, I am doing better than the last time they were gone for the weekend. Maybe I am getting to the acceptance stage, because I don't feel so desperate, I am not hanging on every interaction looking for a change. Things still make me sad, I still cry, and there are certainly better days than other, but my good days feel different, they actually feel a bit up rather than just surviving, does that make sense.

The thing I am worried about now have to do with me not us, does that make sense. I worry that this acceptance will seal the deal so to speak. I guess I have to remind myself that I don't have control over that. Being strong and successful in my own life makes me more attractive, not less attractive. It scares me though.

Is this part of the healing? Is this a good sign or not. I guess I have more thinking to do, well I already knew that.

H has been nice on the phone, saying Hi there and such, rather than short cursorary phrases.

I don't think that it runs as smooth as he thinks it should when he has the kids, yesterday they complained that they spent too much time shopping to go on a hike. My daughter was concerned that she was getting sick, but hadn't told H.

All these adjustments will take time

[123snap]

I have had a new feeling come over me the past couple days. I think it might be called acceptance. I am just feeling better. It has been a month, I feel stronger overall. I am not all the way there yet as I was reading something that made me laugh out loud hard and the next second I found myself crying. I nearly gave in to a depressed feeling, but then I laughed a bit more, and just sort of accepted it. Maybe that cry was the last vestage of desparation giving way.

I stood up for myself today with H, needed to talk about our son, he was a bit snotty, so I told him we need to work on communicating, and laid out some ground rules for cell phone, ie: if I need him urgently I will text him that, if I need him emergently I will text 911, if I just need to communicate I will leave a voice mail if he doesn't answer, that way he knows if he would need to break out of a meeting for a call. I think that will help, as today he left a meeting when I didn't say he needed to, but he was unsure, and then he was snotty about it.

So I guess that is where I am at. I am getting a life and working on myself, there isn't much more I can do. I am not sure what is going on with him, I guess I can't worry about that.

J