Thanks peace and glam- I just can't believe the timing of all of this. Just last Monday we were talking about how to handle finances when/if he moves back...now he is barely talking to me. I know this isn't about me or us but it still hurts.
I hope this is only a tempoary setback but I am trying to prepare myself for the long haul just in case. Post bomb, my H buried himself in work...is he going to do that again?
I am already starting the detaching process. I am trying not to have about expectations about hearing from H or doing things with my H.
I don't mean to sound like a whinner but it can be so hard to be alone especially when my kids are gone...and now my dog is gone which makes me even more alone. I guess I need to find some new friends to go out and do things with...most everyone I know is busy with their own family. I wish there was an easy way to find friends in my area that are in a similar situation...it would make things easier.
I was trying to be as supportive as I could when I talked to my H yesterday but I couldn't help ask where this left us. My H couldn't answer. He knew I was hurt and disappointed by the inflection in my voice but I couldn't help it. Because of that, he may possibly go back to just avoiding me. I will do my best to support him when he gives me the opportunity. Yesterday I did tell my H that I wish I could help him but he made it clear that since I don't have a law degree, there is nothing I can do.
I understand that when you give unconditional love and support that you do it with no expectations of anything in return. But I am no saint and I have wants and needs that I can't ignore forever...I don't think it is healthy for anyone to ignore their own needs.
I am sure you must be married to my husband! Your sitch sounds just like mine. I thought my h was the king of procrastination! Having the D dismissed is in your favor! Mine is still moving forward, so for me it has been hard to DB and deal with this. My h is an avoider, so he doesnt do much to make the D move forward....well I'll write more later...gotta run....glad to hear of your dismissal! Hang in there!!
Me:42 H:47 D:17 S:14 D:13 D:13 M: 18 years H filed 6/16/08 (I considered separation 5/08). D final 11/09. EH MLC/alcoholic. Not sure what the future holds..
Hi scrappy- The avoidance is excruciating. If he is still at home, I would think it is a good thing that your H isn't making the D move forward. That means he isn't sure it is what he wants. I just wish I could understand what is so difficult about figuring it out. My H has been avoiding for 20 freakin' months now. He says he loves me. He doesn't want a D but especially right now, he can't put any effort into the M. I don't handle it well when he backs off and he is backing off again.
Once again I am feeling so ready to be done with this. I am not sure I have the strength to keep getting my hopes up only to have him toss me aside because he can't handle everything.
Your H sounds like he needs space. At least he dismissed the D, and started talking about the possibility of moving back. He might be confused and scared about the moving, even though he wants to.
SHow him your changes, by being patient with him and by giving him understanding and space. He will appreciate that. In ths confused state, he will only say what you wouldn't want to hear anyway so try to avoid asking him any questions about his decision on your M.
Hi ph- You are absolutely right about my H needing his space. I know that. I even know it isn't about me...I think. So why am I back to having such difficulty getting that through my head?
I was okay not talking to my H from when I talked to him Saturday to yesterday evening but then I started a downward spiral and I did call him...I don't know why. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I got a text from him at 4:30 this morning saying he fell asleep early and he didn't see that I had called...so weird. So I later texted him back asking if we could talk. He said sure. We talked about his work. Then we talked a little about him needing to be alone. I did what I know I shouldn't do and let him know I was having difficulty with things. He got angry and told me it isn't about me. I tried to keep it in but I couldn't...so hesitantly I told him I have needs too. He was mad and once again said that I don't "get it". I told him I do "get it" and that I have tried very hard to give him his time and space. He then agreed and started to lighten up. He asked if we could go out on a date later this week and we agreed we would meet at C tonight.
C should be interesting tonight.
I know I have been more emotional this week after what happened to my dog. Maybe I had expectations that he would have been more supportive rather than him just expecting me to support what he wants. There are a lot of things swirling around in my head that aren't helping either...his pushing me away especially when we were just talking about him moving back, the holidays, his overwhelming workload and his partner problem, etc...
I want this to work but I the thought of my H going backwards sends me spinning. I don't think I can go too far backwards. I know...detach, GAL, no expectations...I really am trying and I know I can to a degree but I'm not sure I can totally can.
Maybe I just need to take it a day at a time and not get too far ahead of myself.
I've been catching up on you... I'm so so sorry to hear about your dog. That must have been heartbreaking for you.
Glad to read that your H is still willing to go to C. From what I've read, it seems like your R goes through these cycles of your H pulling away, you wanting to talk about the R/your feelings, your H getting angry but then saying something to appease you, only to start the vicious cycle all over again.
Your case is different from most others here because your H has said that he wants to work on the M and is making an effort. I wonder if maybe you are making this harder than it has to be. Even though I haven't been there, I can fully understand your frustrations and impatience. You absolutely have a right to have your needs met too, but I think a large part of DB once we have reached this crisis stage in our M is to not focus on our needs - saving the M is the primary goal.
Is it possible that by you needing the reassurance from your H that he is in fact working on the M, you are doing more of the same of whatever it was that your H disliked about the M? Does that make sense? Can you allow yourself to put less effort into the M - which would give your H the time and space he needs - and focus on yourself by doing things you enjoy and keep your mind occupied in other ways?
I don't mean to be harsh - I know how badly you want this to work and I really want to see this work for you! Just trying to offer you another perspective. Maybe it's time to try something different? Go back to DB basics?
I'm not on often, but always check up on you and peace. No happy news M-wise on my end. H is getting more and more distant. May be time for me to try something new myself, although I'm happy where I am. I'm not sure saving my M is my goal anymore... Still hoping, I guess, but not very hopeFUL. Ha. My H is just too far gone with his new life and I'm content with moving on with mine. Never thought I'd reach this place!
Will continue to follow what's going on in your sitch. Take care...
Upside You are probably right... you are grieving your dog so the pain will come out sometimes in other ways maybe you reacted with your H to your own seperate pain of the loss of your dog that is understandable give yourself tiem to grieve this and put H on a shelf until you are stronger
and SH has a great point when you can ..find ways to enjoy yourself with new activities while you wait for H figure out how you can have fun without him he will sense you doing this and will be an attractice force peace I will call you this week..hopefully wednesday as I know you are in C tonight and I am working tomorrow night peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi sh- How are you??? I have missed you and your sound advice around here. It is nice to hear that you are in a good place regardless of what your H does. I remember getting to that point and how freeing it felt.
Hey peace- This life of limbo isn't always easy. Sometimes it doesn't take much to throw you off balance. I am trying to find my center again and do some more work on me.
My H sent me a text late yesterday afternoon saying that he was having computer problems at his office. I figured he was going to cancel on the C but he did show up. He said he wasn't able to do any work so he might as well come to C. So during C we talked about the dog, My H's business issues and partner problems. H said how he is trying to counsel his partner telling him how what he is doing to his W is wrong. He told him how he is just replacing one set of problems for another and that he needs to figure out what was wrong with his M. My H said he told his partner he needed to communicate with his wife what he has been unhappy about and give her the chance to work on things with him. My H looked at the C and told him that he had learned a thing or two.
We talked about us and how H had closed himself off during the last week. The C let him know that he need to communicate with me even if it is just to let me know that he needs to be alone. Then we talked about how we had been debating the financial issues we would have if we live together. My H made it seem like that we are still working toward living together. I swear his ability to switch gears is making me feel like I am losing my mind.
After C, my H said part of the reason he didn't want to come over this last weekend was because of the dog and he didn't want to deal with what happened. He did come over for a little while last night and he acted like everything was fine with him and with us. He gave me hugs and kisses but I felt somewhat distant from him...maybe that is just what I need to do until things get more settled.
Upside You are going thru so much right now Maybe you need to take a few steps back--and just take care of you you have been very supportive of your H and handled him good with the loss of your dog, you may need more time to just be with you journel or cry whatever this road has been streessful and eventhough your H is making progess it is still frustrating and yoy may need to step back and take better care of U peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks peace- I am doing better...I want it to be because I am in complete control and what my H does or does not do does not effect me...I'm having some doubts that is the case though. I was doing just fine tonight but my H did call...the first call completely initiated by him in a week. He says he is coming over tomorrow to help me make spaghetti for 20 teenage boys (my S's water polo team). Should be fun but it's okay if he doesn't make it.
I am going to try to take a step back and find a little more of myself again. I think it would be good for me.
I don't handle it well when he backs off and he is backing off again. 
So why am I back to having such difficulty getting that through my head?
So during C we talked about the dog, My H's business issues and partner problems. H said how he is trying to counsel his partner telling him how what he is doing to his W is wrong. He told him how he is just replacing one set of problems for another and that he needs to figure out what was wrong with his M. My H said he told his partner he needed to communicate with his wife what he has been unhappy about and give her the chance to work on things with him. My H looked at the C and told him that he had learned a thing or two.