Divorce was final today

[Nugget]

It is hard to be open and loving with someone who is so secretive and lies so much.

Trust is one of the cornerstones for any relationship. I am sure you lack of trust in her makes it hard for you to open up with her. Sounds like she has a lot of demons to work through. There honestly is not much you can do to help her but be there when she needs to lean on you emotionally. Until she finds herself, she will not be open to anything. You just need to focus your efforts on yourself and hope for the best. The best being a bright future for yourself with or without her.

[thrillisgone]

What my wife has done in the last 6 months was in conceivable to me. In the last 3 years she changed drastically due to hormone problems, hysterectomy etc. She tossed a 30 yr relationship and 22 year marriage without one day of MC.

I had to console her the day the divorce was granted. She was shaking, crying and looked awful. Yet she is the one who left the marriage and had an affair. Demons? Yeah...just a few.

Perhaps what I need to do is walk away and not look back. Very painful experience. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.

[blindsided1]

Nugget - I would like you to elaborate on your experience with detaching. My thread is in newbies - soon to move here, unfortunately. H is heading for D like a freightrain. I don't want it. I have been trying to be his friend in all this and now he tells me that I don't need to know anything about his life. That he can't be my friend because it may come back to bite him in the a$$. Problem is...we have a newborn baby girl. The short of it - H and I were doing fertility treatment, H started an affair, a week into his affair I was pregnant, H moved out and in with OW and her 2 kids after 3 weeks of knowing her. We continued to be intimate on and off and we were friends. Since our daughter was born, everything has gone downhill. I NEED to detach - it is hurting me and my R with him. I'm afraid of detaching. Please let me know what worked for you and how you finally did it.

[karlah]

Ha! I hear you. I printed the lines out yesterday and use them as a book mark.

thanks for the inspiration...

karla

[Nugget]

thrillisgone, don't take what I am going to say as a personal attack. I realize you are most likely just venting. But, I am just going to swing a few 2X4's your way (it's what I do best). Answer them if you want. But if you do. Answer them honestly.

In the last 3 years she changed drastically due to hormone problems, hysterectomy etc.

Did you help her to deal and cope with these changes? Where you compassionate and understanding? Did you make negative comments to her about these changes? Did you point out to her how badly they were affecting her and how different she was now? I ask, because I have seen my brother destroy not one, but two, of his marriages over this very thing. Both times he became a total ass to his wife and they finally had enough and divorced him.

She tossed a 30 yr relationship and 22 year marriage without one day of MC.

For the 22 years that you were married, did she feel like you loved her? Did you always tell her you loved her? Did you show her? Did she just all of the sudden one day get up and walk out on your marriage of 22 years? Did she just one day find someone and say, "Now there is someone I can love. I am out of here." Did she throw you any warning signs? Did she ever tell you she was un-happy with the marriage? Did she ever voice any concern to you? People do not just one day all of the sudden realize that we are not happily married and walk out of the marriage that same day. It is something that happens over a long period of time. There is something that is something that is bothering our spouses, eating at them, destroying their respect for us, causing them not to admire or love us any more. They can go months years or even decades with these negative feeling decaying their love bond for us. It is only when we can not bare it any that they want out or seek others to replace us. More often then not they have shot several signal flares up into the sky above our heads, warning us that they were not happy. Trying to get our attention. Trying to get us to notice their pain. But alas more often then not we either say we did not see the flares, when we really did but chose to ignore them. Or we say them and said that it has to be just an accident. She sent that flare of accidentally. She is fine, she does not need anything.

I had to console her the day the divorce was granted. She was shaking, crying and looked awful. Yet she is the one who left the marriage and had an affair. Demons? Yeah...just a few.

So when she married you this is what she had planned on happening 22 years later? At the 22 year mark she said, "Well here is were I get off. I committed myself to 22 years. That time has come, now I am off to find the next person to care for me and love me."

Perhaps what I need to do is walk away and not look back. Very painful experience. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.

That is only something that you can decide. I am sure that she has suffered a large amount of pain on her side also. I am sure you both feel worn and torn and weary from the battle. Hopefully you will not be the same. Hopefully you will grow and learn from all of this. You will take this experience and make something good out of it. A better life for yourself? A better life for someone else? A better life for you ex? Who knows. That is all up to one person. YOU! [u][/u]

[Nugget]

Nugget - I would like you to elaborate on your experience with detaching. Please let me know what worked for you and how you finally did it.

I apologize that I am not familiar with your situation. I hope you are getting some good input on the newcomers forum about your situation.

When I started to deal with my failing marriage I came here and read several books (don't we all). Everywhere I sought advice or knowledge there was one constant message being expressed. Detach!!! I would hear and read all over:

"You have to detach for them to love you again."
"You have to detach in order to move on."
"You have to detach in order to get a life."
"You have to detach in order to heal."
"You have to detach in order for the pain to stop."
"You have to detach in order to think and act clearly."

Detach came up over and over and over. "Yeah I get it I need to detach." Well easier said then done. I struggled with detaching, because I did not understand what it really means to detach. To me they idea seemed so wrong. So opposite from what i wanted. "Detach. Are you serious! I don't want to detach from my wife. Just the opposite. I want to stay attached. She is the one leaving and detaching from me. You all preach detach, but that is not for me. Attach, attach attach. That is what I am going to do." Well my attaching was not working out. Things were not getting better. I was not feeling better. I went on like this for 6 months. It was not until I started reading a book on anger and a book on co-dependency did I start to see what all the hub bub was about with detaching. I started to realize that when you detach correctly and for the right reasons, that it is very healing. It is like an awakening.

When we talk about detaching from our spouses or from the situation, we are not talking about separating ourselves from them/it or giving up or abandoning them/it. We are talking about detaching from the things that come along with caring for them. Detaching from the raw emotions, feelings, control, fear that come from caring for them. We need to detach from our need to control them. The need to worry about the choices the make. The need to concerned about them making a mistake or doing something they will regret.

We can not control their actions, their words or their choices. We do not control the situation alone. We can only control how we react to them and the situation. We can only control our behavior not theirs. But there is plenty that we can do to influence their behavior. How we act around them, what we say to them and how we react to what they say and do to use will always directly influence their behavior. ALWAYS!

I have recently thrown a blog page together that has some great information about detaching. What it means. Why it is crucial. What happens if we do not detach. And how to detach. Hope I have helped you. Please let me know if you need anything.

http://nuggetsrelationshipblog.blogspot.com/

[thrillisgone]

Nugget - All your questions are fair. Swing away! There is no such thing as a perfect spouse. I made my share of mistakes along the way but nothing to justify divorce. If anything I romanced my wife and made sure that we shared time together. I'm the guy who sent dozens of roses. I'm the guy who turned the lights down, cooked a meal for my wife, poured her wine and LISTENED to her. I valued her opinion. We were best friends. I NEVER missed an anniversary. I made it a point to celebrate our marriage. My wife used to tell me that our home and marriage was her sanctuary and that she felt safe.

Did I help her deal with the changes (hormones & hysterectomy)?
I did the best I could. I researched for her, encouraged her to talk about how she felt and NEVER said one thing negative about the physical and emotional changes. I didn't care. I love her.

I told her I loved her EVERY DAY.

For the record, my wife told me she loved me and that I was a great guy WHILE she was having an affair and asking for a divorce! She told family that I deserved better.

She told me a week before she left that she did not want a divorce, did not want to separate and that we would work "this" out. Then she left.

I'm good pal but I ain't that good. This is a woman in crisis. This is a great woman who is taking a cocktail of steroids and hormones and god knows what else at this point. She refuses to see a counselor, a mainstream doctor (endocronologist or OBGYN)is drinking heavily and having an affair with a guy the same age as her father ( who incidentally is terminally ill).

So yeah, she pretty much went off the deep end. There are issues in everyones life and in everyones marriage. Healthy adults communicate. We didn't make it 30 years total by accident.

There is NO justification for an affair. It is emotional homicide. Healthy people fight for thier marriages if they truly KNOW what LOVE is. I'm not a mind reader and I'm far from perfect. I was a good husband. It isn't by coincidence that things began to come apart about the same time my W's hormones went South.

I took my vows very seriously. Richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad etc. We live in an overindulged, fast food mentality, cut and run culture. It is no wonder the divorce rate is so high. My ExW will probably learn the other stats are worse. Second marriages have around a 60% divorce rate. Marriages to affair partners fail 75% of the time and 80% of people who divorce because of an affair turn out to regret their decision.

I'm not taking responsibility for what I don't own and I'm happy to take responsibility for what I do own. If I sound alittle pissed off I am. (not at you) At her. At the disintegration of a very important institution.

Did I get blamed for this? Oh, yeah! AFTER the affair became known. Before that it was "How can you love me after what I've done to you" i.e. leaving suddenly.

[Nugget]

I see your side, thank you for posting it.

No you are absolutely right. There is no justification for an affair. I totally agree with you there. But, what lead to her having one?

[thrillisgone]

I know the man she is involved with. The last time I saw him, he was groping another womans ass after a business social function. His girlfriend was upstairs asleep. He was professing great love and affection for his girlfriend during the business social function.

So he is somewhat predatory. Mix in alcohol.One hormonally challenged woman and group of fun loving but morally screwed up people and these things happen. Affairs don't just happen in bad marriages.

My W has regressed emotionally and the more obvious conclusion many of her friends came to as well the therapist (I spent thousands on since she left,) is that she is looking for a father figure. She is 45 and he is 69. Her father is dying.

My W knows this is screwed up. She has not only ditched me but thrown out a great deal of her sentimental possessions from her family, our marriage and her childhood. She is re creating herself and deconstructing her former life.I asked her if she was in counseling. She said "No, but I probably should be"

Family thinks she'll come out of this. Of course she has destroyed our marriage, hurt us financially and certainly taken a big chunk out of my heart.

She is obviously hurting. But there is nothing I can do. She wouldn't go to marriage counseling. She is not in therapy now. She is involved in a long distance out of state affair with a man old enough to be her dad. He is challenged in few ways. This is a real mess.

FWIW after 30 years together we rushed through the divorce in 4 months. I could have dragged it out a little longer. But why? I just let her go.

I still love her deeply. I've expressed forgiveness. I've given her lots of space. I've now let her go. Someone told me to look out for her in the next 12-18 months. I don't know.