My sitch is under MLC. My wife is clearly in crisis. Pushed very hard for the D and never could really explain why.
I saw her today for the first time since March. She came by the house and thought I was gone. When she realized I was at home she started to drive away and I walked out the front door and she backed up and drove back into the driveway.
I was shocked at how she looked. Very very skinny. She seems to have aged 10 years. Her face was all broken out. Her legs were scarred up and scraped up as if she had fallen recently. She couldn't look me in the eyes at first. When she finally did she began to cry and shake. I opened up her car door and we hugged very tightly and I began to stroke her hair and shoulder.
I feel nothing but love and compassion for this woman and it was tough seeing her this way. I love her more than anything but I was able to show compassion and caring in a semi detached way. It was like caring for a child. I'd never seen her like this.
She looked broken. She is definately MLC. Very sad. Our relationship started in Oct 1997, we were married in February 1986. Referring to myself as divorced feels really strange.
I think my ExW will come out of this after she hits bottom. I will carry on with my life in the meantime.
I'd be lying though if I said I didn't want reconciliation. So what do I do along those lines from here?
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Don't know what to tell you. I'm struggling with my own situation, and have no answers there either.
Sounds like you have to let her hit rock bottom... get your own life going and move on. If she decides to come back you can always consider that option.
My W moved out and filed for divorce within a month. She has told me she was unhappy for awhile now, depressed, stressed, confused. She has always made decisions she has regretted, and this will just be one more of them. Nothing anyone can do to change her mind... she's shut out all the important people in her life and is listening to new friends (most of which are divorced 20-25 year old women).
Atleast your wife admitted to a PA. I think mine did, but is living a lie right now.
My W came to the house to pick up some paperwork. When she found out I was home she started to drive off but I went out the front door and waved her back in.
She had just gotten out of divorce court and she looked horrible.We hugged very tightly and I stroked her head. It was like holding a child. I told her I loved her and gave her the paperwork. She said very little. She just cried and started to shake. I did notice that she was wearing a ring I gave her for Christmas. She had it on her right hand.
She seems very sad. It is like she is on a journey of sorts to try and figure out life. Confused, sad, scared.
I can't figure this whole thing out. All I know is that I still love her. It is very painful for me too.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I guess what I'm looking for is a real way to keep the door open without being a doormat or crowding her or looking needy. There is a fine line between being detached and keeping the lines of communication open.
She lies and distorts the truth alot. Quite a bit of her pain is that her dad is going to pass soon and it seems that, that pain and alot of unresolved issues are being projected onto the only person who has never abandoned her, cheated her or cheated on her.
Very strange after 30 years.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I guess what I'm looking for is a real way to keep the door open without being a doormat or crowding her or looking needy.
It takes skill and time to master. It can be very challenging. I know this first hand. Avoid things that can make you feel like a doormat. Not only do they make you feel used, they are not generally big love bank deposits to her. Generally these are physical or monetary actions (taking care of her car, fixing her house etc. Instead do things that will make her feel like you care for her on an emotional level. Things like, be there to talk when she needs you, tell her things to make herself feel good, show her affection, understanding and caring.
Originally Posted By: thrillisgone
There is a fine line between being detached and keeping the lines of communication open.
Not at all. In fact if you truly detach then the lines of communication open up, because you are not so controlled by your emotions and feelings and you are more prone to be honest and open.
Do not confuse detaching with giving up, walking away, shutting her out. None of those are actions are even remotely close to detaching. If you think they are, then you need to look more into what detaching is. Let me know if I can help you with that. I struggled with it for quite awhile.
Originally Posted By: thrillisgone
She lies and distorts the truth alot.
Do you think she does that to hide things from you or is it just her way of protecting herself from being vulnerable and hurt?
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
She lies to hide things. She lies to other people besides me. She is very secretive. The MLC angle has made this worse.
When I saw her the day before yesterday it was the day the divorce was granted. We had a very tender moment.
The next day she tried to steal our dog and ship him out of state when she simply was supposed to look after him ( sort of a joint custody thing). I think her boyfriend wants to marry her and he lives in California.
It is hard to be open and loving with someone who is so secretive and lies so much.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
