It is for YOU that you do these things. I have read others say that the best DBing happens after you give up. I think that is true.
Hi gForce, I have been away from these boards for about 2 months now and Mike called me and told me the great news about your situation so I felt I needed to come on here and tell you congratulations. I am happy for you.
The quoute you stated above is the best piece of advice anyone on this board can read. My sitch has not changed at all. Only about 3-4 weeks ago did I realize it was time to stop fighting for the marriage and go and find happiness and cut my losses. I am moving back to my hometown this weekend which is about an hour away from where I live now. I feel like 500 lbs have been lifted off of me now that I have decided to move on with my life. My W and I have mediation in 2 weeks and as I once dreaded this day, I am now looking forward to it so I can move on with my future knowing some of what it may bring financially.
Good luck to the new M you are experiencing, you deserve it. PING
Journaling. XOM has been trying to contact W these last few days after being quiet for a while. Trying to lay the guilt trip on her and expressing "concern" about her well-being. Tried to get her and SD8 to go to the lake with him some time, which she refused. Stopped by the house to talk to her and even tried to get a hug and kiss. W finally lost her cool and told him off. Told him to get it through his head that she is committed to her M. I must say that a whiff of his presence sent waves of nausea back through me, and I know it showed. W has been very sweet, reassuring about her feelings for me, and her resolve about our future.
This weekend W and I will probably be without any kids, so looking forward to that. Thanks Jesse, kat & ping for leaving tracks -- and to everyone else who may be reading.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Thanks Kathleen. The house is still on the market. Lots of lookers but no serious interest. The market really stinks. We are looking to build a new place for our new life and new marriage (that's the way I think of it, anyway). To avoid moving SD multiple times and provide her with some stability after the turbulence for the last year, we'll be staying at The Cottage (W's place). Hopefully the house will sell soon and we can minimize expenses while we build.
I noticed that the last thread took a month to lock. There was a time when I was locking them every few days. Slower is better. I have a long work day today, but then I have a date tonight!
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
You have your best friend back, someone you love, can touch, talk to and have a history with. You're creating a new life. The best news is always the one savored. Drama makes a thread flow fast.
I see it as happiness and forward thinking in your life, a focus on what you two share.
As you two reunite, is anything changing from what you did as a DB superstar? Do you still GAL? When you come through CT will you still stop for coffee or does that become taboo? So many times I hear that having separate interests but great communication works... but doing things together is what cements the bond.
DB superstar? Not sure about that... The most important thing I try to continue from my DBing is taking care of my appearance - exercise, clothing, W even bought me cologne which I use (never used to). The other thing is to stay positive and upbeat - the ol' PMA. Grumpy gF is banished as best as I can, though falling into old patterns is easy and takes constant vigilance.
GAL continues, but together. We have stayed active both with SD8 and alone as a couple. This past weekend, for example, we went to a party with some work people Friday. Saturday went out to the local casino with BIL for drinks/band/casual gambling (I won $20!). Sunday, went to the IL's to help splitting and stacking wood for their wood boiler -- he had 9 cords, ugh! Yesterday, just getting some stuff done around the house and getting SD8 prepped for school today.
Funny, that W seems to look upon my rekindled friendships with female friends during our separation with some suspicion. Probably some self-guilt redirected. I don't think she understands my involvement with this board fully either (it IS kind of a unique place), so unfortunately coffee side trips are probably best put on hold right now. I miss our talks, though. XOM has faded away again after trying to contact W more last week. I think/hope he is finally getting the message. W has been pretty firm and consistent in dealing with him.
The thing I gladly have NOT continued from DBing is not initiating contact. I try to touch base with her a few times every day during work. I used to "go dark" during the work day, so it is a change for me, and W really appreciates it. During our short-lived reconciliation early post-bomb, W felt "smothered" and "needed her space". Now, she is always considering me in her plans -- it feels completely different. Her LL is "quality time" and also "words of affirmation", so I try to focus on those things.
So far so good!
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Hey G...I hope they are right about the real DBing starting after you give up.....I am pretty close. Thanks for the psot above....it helped reinforce to me that I need to move in a positive direction with or without her. Good luck to you.
gForce, your thoughts on 'giving up'? How do you give up without totally letting go and convincing yourself that you should D? I feel like if I were to 'give up' right now, i would totally cut her off, be mean and not do her any of the little favors that she asks for everyday. I would just say 'no' and let it go at that. I would let my true, angry, hurt feelings out on her. All of this is not good DBing, sounds like it's a fine line to walk.
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
It's not that it is necessary to "give up". It is just that to be able to move on and start rebuilding a new life, I think it is necessary to be able to make decisions and do things without using the WAS litmus test of how they will react to a statement/action/decision. For me, I wasn't able to do that until the "last straw" made me feel like I had enough and was no longer trying to salvage my M. Ideally, one might be able to achieve that level of detachment and still keep the goal of restoring your M as the ultimate goal. I could not.
When W wanted to come back, the real decision was whether I wanted her back, and whether to reverse some of the plans I had made to move on. Obviously, I decided "yes", but I think many LBS's have moved on and say "no" at that point. I think everyone needs to decide for themselves what would be satisfactory conditions to try again, if lucky enough to have the opportunity. John, I have been following your sitch and really feel for you. Recidivism from the WAS would be tough. I am not sure I could handle it.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
