Maybe someone can explain why the WASs often continue to lie and deny their As even in the face of pretty damning evidence? If they want out of the M then it makes sense to admit to having OM or OW to get out of the M.
Well, many reasons. They don't want to face what they've done, they are "in a fog like fantasyland" about what they've done, they don't want you to "out" them, they aren't really sure if they want the A, and they don't want to lose you. They may say totally different things, but inside this is what they are thinking.
Good points WDD, I guess if OM/W has something to lose it raises the stakes of coming clean as well. I also have read, since my last post, that admitting to an A takes a woman down from her pedestal. Down among the rest of us it is harder for her to feel like the victim and justify her anger at H. Cognitive Dissonance is a powerful thing.
It is horrible just not knowing. I may even be able to forgive the A, but the lies and her trying to make me feel like I am a psycho for even thinking that she is having an A is even worse and more damaging. It�s almost a form of abuse, in my opinion, because she is making me doubt my own sanity while she is the one breaking up our M and doing something immoral.
Puppy, a regular poster here, always says "affairs thrive in secrecy". He is correct. When the A is exposed it holds different meaning and the "fantasy" is different. He would recommend you have intel. Find him, he can help you get the proof you need to bring the A to light and be able to move from there.
It is horrible just not knowing. I may even be able to forgive the A, but the lies and her trying to make me feel like I am a psycho for even thinking that she is having an A is even worse and more damaging. It�s almost a form of abuse, in my opinion, because she is making me doubt my own sanity while she is the one breaking up our M and doing something immoral.
Sliver,
I can ABSOLUTELY relate to this. It got to the point with my wife's affair, last summer, where we were two months into it, and I had pretty much reached the point that you are describing: it was the DECEIT that was making me livid. That and the fact that she was accusing ME of being "paranoid" to our daughters and her parents, and so I finally re-confronted her on it, and told her no matter WHAT she decided to do regarding our marriage and the OM, that I DEMANDED that she tell the truth to our adult daughters and her own parents, and stop making ME look like the bad guy.
I had evidence, and I threatened to air it, and I gave her exactly five minutes to decide.
She came clean, and her affair was over within the month.
An important NOTE: I did NOT do this in order to try to save my marriage, nor out of any vindictiveness. I had already resigned myself to the fact that my wife was having an affair, our daughters already knew it, and her parents already knew it. And I had little hope for our marriage at that point (although we since reconciled).
That wasn't the basis of my stand for the TRUTH. What I did was, to stop fighting to bust up the affair itself, and fight instead for our whole family to at least start dealing with the TRUTH. I told her that we had never taught our children to lie, and that no matter WHAT happened between her and me moving forward, we would have to co-parent our children, and that "a family cannot be built on a foundation of deceit."
She agreed. Kicking and screaming, but she agreed.
Puppy I can relate to exactly what you are saying. The lies were the worst part your sanity jumps from minute to minute throughout the day. My H and the OW who is also married were not going to admit to anything. Out of straight exasperation and not wanting myself, my kids and my mother-in-law to go through this any longer I finally exposed the affair to her husband. He already knew as well just didn't know who. Unfortunately that sent them into each other's arms and took it from and EA to a PA. However for me the EA was ten times more damaging than the PA portion. Like you I didn't want my marriage back I just wanted my sanity back and to not be viewing as a paranoid crazy person any longer. Also, like you once he couldn't lie anymore he came back home and has been working diligently at putting our marriage back together. I don't know that I will ever know the answer to "why the lies?" but I do know he did love me but as WDID says he was caught up in the fantasy of a perfect relationship and couldn't break free.
He still struggles with admitting to himself that he actually cheated on me, but it has only been 3 weeks. He wants to justify that it wasn't an affair until it became a PA which was when we were quote-unquote separated. However, the lightbulb went off a bit yesterday he acknowledged my feelings and told me that if the roles were reversed that he would feel the same way I do. Our MC has been great with that, he won't let him off the hook or allow him to justify his choice to have the affair in any way. When we spoke about it yesterday I told him that I can see how he feels however while he was having the EA and then PA affair with her he was still telling me how much he loved me and he would'nt "let me go", I explained that that is what had me so confused and "feeling crazy" and that if he would have stopped that with me at any time I wouldn't have continued to try to stop the lies.
