<<i'm gettig the impression that the WAW isn't trying really hard to love her husband...... which i think is the most frustrating for us...not tht she doesn't love me....it's that she decided not to try and love me.
Neil, just speaking for myself, I couldn't risk loving him for quite a while. I had tried to make our M work for both of us for so long. Once I gave up, it was really frightening to risk caring again. My C told me to be "open to the idea of opening up to him" for months & months. Course now I'm really glad I did. But for a long time, I was scared to death. I had tons of anxiety & stress just thinking about it.
That's why I think I had to watch his behavior. I had to test small things to see if he would react with harsh coldness, or soft tenderness. Only after months of tenderness did I start to really open up. Each show of anger from him, pushed me further back. Hot stove, don't touch.
That really hit home this morning. I was just going to my own thread to post about my roller coaster weekend, and that really rings through the conversation my wife and I had last night.
The statement from cookie would really make me feel good if I knew my wife was at a point where she was watching and testing....guess she wouldn't tell me, though..Right??
Neil Hang in there buddy. I have to catch up before I come back and see how you are doing. NDS
Of course she isn't going to tell you she is watching or testing. But you have to realize she isn't deaf, dumb or blind. If you stop giving her something to focus on in resentment, hurt or anger, then she can start to evaluate what she is hearing, seeing and ultimately feeling. Don't be your own worst enemy. Don't touch the hot stove. (Don't go toward the hurt.)
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
For those of you who have a track record of not being the most loving and plugged in husbands, the following paragraph should be scrutinized over and over again.
Quote:
That's why I think I had to watch his behavior. I had to test small things to see if he would react with harsh coldness, or soft tenderness. Only after months of tenderness did I start to really open up. Each show of anger from him, pushed me further back. Hot stove, don't touch.
There is a veritable primer of instructions for the male (and possibly even female) DB'er in this one paragraph.
1. They will WATCH first. They are NOT interested in our words or our token acts of affection. They are watching our NORMAL behavior around them. You can compliment till you're blue in the face, buy pretty gifts till your penniless...what she's really looking for is the you behind the scenes. The you that you THINK no one sees. Do you get it? She wants to know if you're REAL!
2. They will TEST you. How do you test? Come on Neil, you ought to be able to answer that one being a fellow teacher. You confront the testee with challenging situations and see how they respond under duress. The next time you wonder why they're flinging crap at you, ask yourself how you responded because chances are you were just examined.
3. It takes TIME. And always much more time than WE think it should take. Look around the boards here and count how many people are IMPATIENT because their spouse is not responding positively to all their wondrous changes. Hey! Rome was NOT built in a day. It took awhile to create this mess, you can be darned well sure it will take awhile to clean it up.
4. They are SENSITIVE to what led them away. If you have a history of being angry, better learn to deal with your anger in another way. If you have a history of being non-communicative, better learn how to communicate. If you've been unable to be assertive and make decisions, you better reach down and...well, you know. They've told us what the issues were for the most part. We BETTER listen and respond appropriately. Some will say that nothing we do has much impact, but I'm thinking that if we push one of their HOT buttons, they WILL remember.
It's invaluable to have folks on this board willing to talk about things from the perspective of BEING a walk away spouse. It's our job to listen to them and hopefully learn a few things that might help us to perservere a bit longer.
Yeah, it's frustrating and there is little positive feedback to keep us going.
It's our love hopefully that provides the fuel.
Good stuff.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill. I understand what you are saying. That is exactly the truth. Makes me wonder how the heck I am supposed to be my "natural self" when I know I'm being examined every minute. It makes me nervous and anxious whether I'm doing something right or wrong all the time.
I try to have faith and watch and listen. Then I try to decipher what he said and how I am about to act or speak. Not sure how natural it is to do that, yet I know that I am learning. At the same time I'm working on me I'm trying to balance what he needs and expects. Suffice it to say it can be confusing.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
i'm still here. i was busy today...finally. LOL...
all in all, it wasn't a bad weekend. and like i've said, my W doens't know the angst that i've been in as of late.
Right now, i'm just tired. emotionally and physically. Had IC today. Burned out some. I'm just gonna veg for awhile here.
and really, not much is going on in my sitch....W is nice still. asked me a random question yesterday. AGAFC disease is what i got going on. Tommrrow i will come in and check on everyone. Oh, and i did get hit on this weekend....LOL....now why didn't my W ask this weekend????
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
The statement from cookie would really make me feel good if I knew my wife was at a point where she was watching and testing....guess she wouldn't tell me, though..Right??
Why would it matter IF she is watching and testing? Are you going to behave differently if you know she is?
One thing us DAMLBS's have to do: make the changes for us. Not them.
It doesn't matter IF they are watching, testing, etc. You should do what you feel to be right and good and for the benefit of the overall well being regardless of what SHE is doing.
Nuff said.
Me: 30 W: 27 Married: 9/2007 ILUBNILWU: 1/2008 W moved out 5/24/2008 W suicide 8/25/2009
Why would it matter IF she is watching and testing? Are you going to behave differently if you know she is?
One thing us DAMLBS's have to do: make the changes for us. Not them.E
Of course not. I know my wife notices the changes...if she makes comments about them not being real, she obviously sees them and is paying attention.
I would like to know that she is watching and HOPING they are real and permanent, rather than watching and being completely indifferent to what she sees.
