I posted this under the MLC board originally but it might be more appropriate here. My wife has all the symptoms of MLC and we are currently coming to the end of the D proceedings. She initiated the D.
I just found out that the affair partner is someone in her company who works in an office across the country. They met during various company functions. I know this guy and I've actually had the chance to go to dinner with him and drink a few beers on another occasion. He is a nice guy, ex football player, good personality and sort of a "good time charlie". He is not anything close to "intellectual" and cheated on his last girlfriend. He has been known to drink and grope women. (I've seen him do it).
The part that blew me away was that he is 69 years old. My W is 45 yrs old. My W's father is 69 years old and terminally ill. I just have to wonder if there is a connection here.
They have been seeing eachother for about 6 months.
Thoughts?
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Does she really think she has a future with this guy???
I'm curious, did you always know she was having an affair, or did you find out about it later?
Puppy
Puppy, I know what advice you would give normally, but don't you think this affair is so doomed! that maybe just typical DBing would work? Or what do you think? Karen
I suspected my W was having an affair when she left in March 08. she of course denied it. In April 08, mutual friends confirmed my suspicions after my W confided in them. I confronted my W at that time and she admitted it but made it out to be over and a one time thing.
I just found out who the guy is and the details plus the fact that it is ongoing.
Future? I seriously doubt it. Not for them and most likely not for us. My W would have to commit to some serious sustained therapy. Quite frankly she isn't going to do it and I'm done. I'm picking up the pieces and getting on with my life. Too much pain, humiliation, lieing etc etc.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Now that our D is nearly final and that I know who the OM is in the A, I'm thinking of sending them both an E-mail and wishing them a great deal of happiness going fwd.
Bad idea or good idea? Probably doesn't really matter except that it brings the affair into the light of day and diffuses all the secrecy.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
thrill - be 100% sure that your D is going to be final before you send such an email. And even then, I would advise against it. It will not make you feel any better, although you might think it would. Just take the high road- I know that everyone in your shoes is tired of hearing that, but in the end, YOU will come out better for it. Taking the high road is actually for YOU, not the other person.
As for the father figure OM, yes, I am sure it is all part of the MLC and one day, she will wake up from her stupor and say "what was I thinking?" But....that won't really help you either. It never really helps us when the MLC or WAS wakes up from their fog, if the devastation has already come down and the D is done. By then, it doesn't really make a difference to us, just a lingering feeling of "well, I am glad to know I wasn't crazy - THEY were crazy".
Hang in there...I hope you will come out ok in the end.
Does she really think she has a future with this guy???
I'm curious, did you always know she was having an affair, or did you find out about it later?
Puppy
Puppy, I know what advice you would give normally, but don't you think this affair is so doomed! that maybe just typical DBing would work? Or what do you think? Karen
That's why I was trying to figure out how long it had been going on, and how long she's known that YOU knew.
It was discovered in March 08, but I'm still curious as to how long it had been going on???
I would strongly advise against sending the e-mail. It will only come across as insincere and weak.
I agree. I've tried to take the high road (well after the first month or 2! ) and am really happy about that. I know that I've done my best for the M, esp. the past year, I've tried to handle this with dignity, etc. I think you might regret that email later, and just best to not do that probably. I did send one email to the OW back months ago when I found out who she was and it really didn't make me feel good or have any satisfaction, and my H seemed to think that was bad of me (you look guilty) he told me although I didn't necessarily feel guilty, but not really satisfaction either. More numb than anything. Karen
Puppy Dog Tails - i posted my sitch under MLC topic awhile back and in the newcomers forum.
I knew in my heart there was an affair going on back in Jan 08 and it could have been going on maybe 3-4 months before that. I didn't get that confirmed until March 08 - April 08. Heard it first from a mutual friend. I confronted my W (who was already moved out) and she admitted to it. Recently...like a few weeks ago she denied it. She lies so much it is tough to figure out what is real and what is not. A couple of days ago I found out who the OM was from an irrefutable source.(They met the OM).
So all in all it has been 7- 10 months in duration. I know my W has had some doubts and can be at times torn about it. A couple of weeks ago she called me 5 times in 15 minutes and never left a message. I asked her about this and she said it was a "mistake"
She is royally mixed up. I kind of get the feeling that she is pushing for the divorce to cover up the wrongdoing of having the affair.Afterall She originally wanted me to file on her and I wouldn't. Since lots of people know about the affair, filing for divorce makes it look less wrong. She has painted herself into a corner.
Right before she walked out ( a week before) she said she didn't want a divorce or even a separation and "that we would work through this"
My wife does not know that I know who it is! As a matter of fact she apparently doesn't remember admitting to the affair. she now denies it.
Last edited by thrillisgone; 08/12/0808:31 PM.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
) and am really happy about that. I know that I've done my best for the M, esp. the past year, I've tried to handle this with dignity, etc. I think you might regret that email later, and just best to not do that probably. I did send one email to the OW back months ago when I found out who she was and it really didn't make me feel good or have any satisfaction, and my H seemed to think that was bad of me (you look guilty) he told me although I didn't necessarily feel guilty, but not really satisfaction either. More numb than anything. Karen