Sorry, but I call B.S. on that. Methinks you are lying to yourself about the reasons you want to go out with the girls. Go out with guys if you want to go out. You are still married and if/when you aren't you need time to heal alone or with male friends. You aren't looking for a realtionship, yet you are wanting to go out with women who ARE???????????????????? You will repeat the cycle you have been on. You told us once how you went from your home to relationship to relationship. Codependence was brought up. You will have problems in another relationship if you begin one too soon. You don't need SOMEONE to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy. Thus why many people told you to GAL right away for YOU. It is attractive to women to have a strong, happy man who is not dependent on THEM for their happiness. H4h, the pain you are feeling right now is what my H felt when we separated as well, but he loved me all along, never swaying from that no matter what.
H4H,
You would be wise to bookmark that post, and refer to it often. I know it's hard to see now, but she's absolutely right.
Sorry, but I call B.S. on that. Methinks you are lying to yourself about the reasons you want to go out with the girls. Go out with guys if you want to go out. You are still married and if/when you aren't you need time to heal alone or with male friends. You aren't looking for a realtionship, yet you are wanting to go out with women who ARE???????????????????? You will repeat the cycle you have been on. You told us once how you went from your home to relationship to relationship. Codependence was brought up. You will have problems in another relationship if you begin one too soon. You don't need SOMEONE to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy. Thus why many people told you to GAL right away for YOU. It is attractive to women to have a strong, happy man who is not dependent on THEM for their happiness. H4h, the pain you are feeling right now is what my H felt when we separated as well, but he loved me all along, never swaying from that no matter what.
H4H,
You would be wise to bookmark that post, and refer to it often. I know it's hard to see now, but she's absolutely right.
Puppy
(((H4H))) What they both said. B is a trap-door spider and somewhere inside you know it. It feels good to be wanted and it feels good to know that someone is interested, but you will the male version of GBG unless you shut it down soon my friend. She will wear you down and I can see your resolve weakening from here. I would hope that you would do the same for me. B is probably really nice, but shes a predator and you are the prey she has her eye on.
Ask yourself how this friendship will bring you closer to your goal? It won't, it will just further complicate an already complicated and jacked up situation.
I know I'm preaching, but I sooo understand where you are coming from and the temptation to feel some of that "love chemical" stuff is enticing, but it will only bite you on the a$$ in the end.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I feel SOOOO beaten. Really, really tired. She is going on with her life. I just want to get on with mine.
I have talked about one of my compulsive fears. Rejection. I have two others.
I have a strange fear of explaining something to someone and the person I am speaking to completely ignores me. Will not even CONSIDER listening to my side. A person that refuses to hear both sides.
When I am having a serious discussion with someone, I always have to say, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I have had nightmares of talking to someone that has completly shut down and won't listen to me. Literally.
My third is the thought of being alone. I NEVER go to a restaurant alone. I have NEVER gone to the movies by myself. Never gone to a bar alone. Never gone to a club alone. Never gone to a social function alone.
GBG has now played on all three of my numbing fears.
I DO love my wife. I am forcing myself to get along without her. I was feeling strong about myself.
In my life here, I am constantly being told to move on. Explore. 'Hey, she's cute.' 'I don't know why you never got with her.' Hey, y'all would be cute.'
I mean constant. And then there are the ladies that are always contacting. For a guy with extremly low self esteem, the temptations are.......well, you can see how I react.
I keep seeing GBG moving farther away, and I'm the one stuck on the treadmill. Never getting any closer to the goal.
I don't show her what I'm feeling. She is ASSUMING how bad I'm taking it. I didn't say that I called her on it. "Do you think that I'm just sitting at home looking at the pictures on my phone. Please."
I asked for the pictures because I AM afraid she is going to get rid of them. I want them for the kids. She took EVERY picture of us. Not one left in the house.
I'm in a freakin' constant state of confusion. I am in turmoil within myself. I have to CONVINCE myself to detach. I don't want to. I HAVE to. My heart is broken. I'm trying to put it back together. Protecting myself from her.
GBG was the one that I would die for.
And she is killing me slowly.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
We do care, h4h. You wouldn't believe how many times you come into my mind during the day. I think, "Oh, I have to make sure to say that to h4h", or "Oh, that might help h4h", etc. as thoughts come into my head.
I'm sorry you feel so beaten. We all feel so bad for your pain. You don't deserve this one bit.
Your fears. You are able to label them. That is what is important. You know they are things you can work on, one at a time, and slowly.
You said you were feeling strong. Keep that feeling, but just don't add a new relationship. Feel strong for you by yourself and create a strong family.
I need to say this, too. Our society is a "throw away" society and that includes marriage. Most people give up and move on so quickly with everything they do. These people encouraging you to move on want to see you happy, but they are not pro-marriage people. Do the people at your church encourage you to go out with other women?
your W knows you are taking this bad because she knows she is your everything. Be strong and detach politely. Do not rescue her. I keep remembering the times you were short with her and she knew you were mad. She was so much nicer to you and trying to engage you in conversation. She wants you to make this all nice and easy for her. Don't!
Hang in there. We all are supporting you and your goal. We can't change your W's mind, but you will want to have done everything possible. Don't forget the retro stuff. Needs to be given soon.
Ok you just named your first assignment and it is a toughie, I have had to do it myself a couple of times now but I am still here. Ready...take a deep breath and go to a movie by yourself. I go close to when the movie starts so I won't be tempted to look at couples and then I just watch the movie.
Instead of going to a bar alone, try a coffee house and No it doesn't have to be starbucks. We have one here that has a band on Tuesdays. I am going to try to go next Tuesday night and maybe take a book to read while listening to the music. (I am not going tonight because I am watching the Gymnastics part of the Olympics).
Hey we are in this together so we aren't really alone right?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
We do care, thats why we are telling you the stuff that we do.
Originally Posted By: hopeful4her
My third is the thought of being alone. I NEVER go to a restaurant alone. I have NEVER gone to the movies by myself. Never gone to a bar alone. Never gone to a club alone. Never gone to a social function alone.
Until this happened, I did the same thing. I NEVER went anywhere like that by myself, but now I do and its not that bad. You may hate it, but give it a try. Start small. Go have dinner by yourself. Go to a movie by yourself. Go hang out somewhere, just for a little while, by yourself. You can do it.
Originally Posted By: hopeful4her
GBG has now played on all three of my numbing fears.
Of course she does, on purpose and without even meaning to.
Originally Posted By: hopeful4her
I DO love my wife. I am forcing myself to get along without her. I was feeling strong about myself.
In my life here, I am constantly being told to move on. Explore. 'Hey, she's cute.' 'I don't know why you never got with her.' Hey, y'all would be cute.'
I mean constant. And then there are the ladies that are always contacting. For a guy with extremly low self esteem, the temptations are.......well, you can see how I react.
I keep seeing GBG moving farther away, and I'm the one stuck on the treadmill. Never getting any closer to the goal.
I don't show her what I'm feeling. She is ASSUMING how bad I'm taking it. I didn't say that I called her on it. "Do you think that I'm just sitting at home looking at the pictures on my phone. Please."
I asked for the pictures because I AM afraid she is going to get rid of them. I want them for the kids. She took EVERY picture of us. Not one left in the house.
I'm in a freakin' constant state of confusion. I am in turmoil within myself. I have to CONVINCE myself to detach. I don't want to. I HAVE to. My heart is broken. I'm trying to put it back together. Protecting myself from her.
GBG was the one that I would die for.
And she is killing me slowly.
We can all symathize with you and how you feel. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life. I don't remember who's thread it was on, but someone said this is a Hero's gig. Fighting for you marriage is no job for sissies. Its normal to be scared, its normal to get discouraged, but you have to press on. You HAVE to protect yourself. Detaching is for you, not for her. GBG may still be the one you would die for, but for right now she is not the woman you married. She could be that woman again, but she is going to have to go through this her way. She is going to have to find her way back to herself, her way. You can't let her kill you, you are too strong and have to be there for your girls. Stay strong and we're here for you.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I just had a thought. Maybe you should put the word out that you are still madly in love with your wife even in the current situation and please everyone back off from trying to hook me up with someone else! Hey I would even tell B. Just like that, don't act like you KNOW she is trying to land you. Tell her like you think she is just a friend.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
H4H - Yes, you still have the longest posts - took me awhile to get caught up, that will serve me right to disappear!
I wish there was a magic wand to make this all work out the way we want. The only way I was able to detach and drop the rope was when SBTX moved out. My heart hurt every day as you know, but as time came, I finally had to realize there was nothing I could do to bring her back - if she wants back, then she has to make that decision to come back. Even though I traveled a lot, I never did things alone, I don't do alone very well. I went to a movie by myself and it was okay, I didn't die! I went to a local bar during a basketball game or something by myself - hated it, but I was okay. I still don't do alone, and you and me are a lot alike. You have to do what is right for you and your kids. My kids are both getting ready to leave for college again - will be the last time I live with them together - possible forever - wow, just hit me as I was typing this. But you know what, I will be okay. We are strong, you are exceptionally strong. You will know when it is time to drop the rope and detach. I am still hurting, I am lucky that the person with whom I am dating is very open to where I am, we talk a lot about it as it takes up my life. I crossed that line that so many people tell us not to, but I did. She is in the same sitch and we both know where we are. I only tell you this as life will go on when YOU want it too, don't let others tell you what is right or wrong - you have the moral fortitude!
My brother, keep up the faith, treat your kids like you do - you are the strong, the one that is in the ring - I put the Roosevelt quote on one of strings that eludes to this statement. You are in my thoughts always and I hope that you find that peace you are so looking for.
I will keep tabs and update my sitch every now and then. I had to go dark from this site so I could gather my thoughts - that worked for me - I am better, but my heart still aches and trust is a huge factor for me now.
Peace to you my friend.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
So true! If I can do this, you can definitely do this! It sounds like something you could/should really work on is trying to go alone and being ok with that and actually maybe even becoming happy about being alone or going places alone? I don't think you have to go all those places alone; I will certainly never go to a bar alone, but I have gone out with other friends and that's been fun. I do go to church alone, and I need to work on that also! I think maybe it's just something you get used to. I've also gone from R to R, well started dating my freshman year in college and then almost always had a boyfriend. I think that is good on becoming independent and more ok with that, and something I am working on too.
I was doing that too, getting maybe too close to a guy friend, and realized that and backed off. I think that's what happened to my H too, but he didn't back off when you get to the point where you realize that it might be a problem. And truthfully what kind of person gets involved with a married person even if they are having problems? I do think there is something wrong with those OPs to be able to do that or be interested in that. Karen
