Thought I'd post back here as I was wondering if anyone else's spouse has admitted their infidelities and they were on a similar scale to my H's?
The reason I ask is that sometimes I think that I have been too reasonable about H's stuff, I've hardly got angry at all. I just feel sorry for him, genuinely sorry.
Is it that because I learned about all his stuff on one day, my brain hasn't really been able to process it? I can accept that he did it but it doesn't seem like he did it to me.
Is it because I was used to a R full of distance, lying and insecurity, and so all his stuff is just par for the course?
I ask, because I'm worried that one day (perhaps once I've met someone else?) I might come to a realisation and explode.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
hc, my H has had at least 10 PAs and many more EAs over the last seven years. I've posted to you before, but I've been away from the board for a while.
In a strange way, the scale of the infidelity makes it easier to see that it's not really about YOU. This is a person who has a problem and they have to deal with it - there's not much you can do from the outside.
I too can't really wrap my mind around it, although part of the problem is that if I get to close to the reality of what my H has been doing and how much it has cost us in so many ways - well, I just can't go there yet.
I understand what you mean about feeling sorry for them. I have compassion for my H, although I didn't come to it as quickly as you did. It's been years of dribs and drabs of truth slowly coming out and I have reacted with anger much of the time.
There's a forum here http://smartrecovery.org/ called Sexual Maladaptive Behaviours that I'm hoping my H will look into.
I was hoping to find some information for myself on that site about coping as the partner of a sexually addicted person, but I'm still trying to find that. I think I need to spend some more time at the book store and online to see what I can find. Hard not to feel alone in this kind of situation, isn't it?
If you find any good resources, I'd like to hear about them.
Thanks for your input once again, I think it was some of the correspondence I had with you in the early days that helped me to see some of the things that H had experienced and really helped me to be very gracious towards him. I'm grateful.
I have ordered a book on SA (only in the last two days though). I think now the shock of the separation bit has passed, and everyone knows, I feel able to look into it.
He said he is constantly looking for people who tell him he is a 'special boy'. It's very sad.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
Goodness tmi, that is alot of infidelity. Do you find it is hard to marry your H with the behaviour? (Or maybe that is just for me because I found out everything in one go and didn't have a clue before.) I wonder if that is why we can't get our heads around it, because we can't believe that it is our husbands who had done that to us.
I'm assuming because you are on this site that you are DBing to save your marriage - I take my hat off to you.
Originally Posted By: tmi
In a strange way, the scale of the infidelity makes it easier to see that it's not really about YOU. This is a person who has a problem and they have to deal with it - there's not much you can do from the outside.
You know, (shut your ears cat!) I really pressed for the information as I just didn't buy the numbers he was giving me. I think you've hit the nail on the head, and I have to say I almost laughed out loud with relief. I think the reason he wasn't entirely truthful in the early days was that he knew if he confessed to the sort of numbers he had really got through it identified his problem loud and clear. If you look at my really early posts the reasons for him wanting to split were things like my post-children tummy, me moaning about the dishwasher, him generally not being happy etc. He wasn't even going to tell me about the infidelity!!!
Now the separation bit is more settled, I think it is time for me to look into the SA aspect of H, and how I need to deal with him from this point. Someone else recommended 'Don't Call it Love' by Patrick Carnes (can't get that here but have ordered another of his). I also joined CoSA (Co-dependents of Sex Addicts), they are very wise people there, but it is a 12-step group, so you go to (online) meetings there. It's not the sort of place where you tell your story and people give you advice, like here. Very interesting though, and it's nice to 'meet' other people in the same boat.
Last edited by happycamper; 08/27/0808:38 PM.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
Hi again HC...honey, I hope you do explore more and more into SA and recovery (for yourself). Also, I don't know how to say this without freaking you out but...you need to realize that victims of abuse sometimes become abusers themselves.
I am wondering how educated your children are about abuse? Meaning that, you really should question them about any possible abuse. Again, please don't freak out. I am only saying this because one of my children was sexually abused and so I am all for trying to talk to kids directly and early about such things...since in my case if I had probed my child a little more about things the abuse may have been discovered earlier. NOT all victims become abusers so please don't think I am demonizing your H. I just want you to really look into all areas of your life to make sure his childhood victimization didn't also become part of your children's lives.
Read everything you can about the topic, ok? You do need to be armed with education. He will always be their father and although he may be a good parent, given his (obvious) addiction and skewed views of the world, he does need to be on watch, so to speak.
