Escaping the Backstreets on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

ok. i see your point.......STBXH...stubborn ex husband?

i'll be honest, i really dind't meet her LL before....i'll pull back a bit...just not a whole ton....bnecause that was a huge deal for us....knownst to me now, and unbeknownst to her....i'll slowly fill a little bit of her love bucket at a time....and go from there....not too much...just little by little to get her enjoying her time around me more and more.....

and why?

because i want to.

[poet]

Well said. Amen!

poet

And I should be doing homework!

[pisces9]

also- because you have done so well and things are working. if it works do more of it...not meaning more overloading but more of the SAME behavior...

what were those again?

its ok to add one or two things here and there...but SLOWLY!

[LosingSunshine]

Neil, just wanted to stop by and thank you for putting my favorite Springsteen tune in your thread name. Since that is the tune I shoot my best pool game with, guess what i'll be doing this weekend?

Chris

[Neilh23]

so twindad, when you read this tomorrow morning....and since you and i are very similar...did your W dance back and forth like this a lot? Once you saw she was going back and forth, did you increase your efforts or did you just continue what you were doing? I saw your thing on the Man Up thread over in MLC... I obviously know she's pulling back.....and i have to let her... i'm just not sure how to take some of the next steps.

suggestions?

twindad....not sure if you saw this from last nite...

[TwinDad]

Neil,

You have been given some excellent advice.......Pull back.

I am going to be specific. I think you should pull back the compliments or at least all of the effort you are putting into them. Of course every lady loves compliments and they will smile at them, but they are a lot more pursuing than some of the other things you are doing. If you push the compliments too much she may smile, but she might also be aggrivated as well....you know her better than anyone, I'm just giving you my take.

The things that I think are working the best for you are

- Daily interactions at the kid swap off
- PMA, act as if,
- Show an interest in her career
- Share things the kids did that day

I would continue to still do what you are doing, just back off on the compliments. Be consistent....show her as she is wavering back and forth, you are still the same rock (i.e. you are your own person, your emotions are not tied to her). This will take a lot of pressure off of her and make her more relaxed around you.

My W would waver back and forth quite a bit. We would spend a great day or evening together with the kids and then spend some time together after they went to bed. Then when it was getting later she would start to get cold and distant. Shortly after that I would go. I would just smile and leave and say something like "That was a fun day.....sleep tight" or something like that. I would look back and she would seem so sad. I would just smile and leave.

Prior to DB I would have been asking her what was the matter and getting myself in a whole bit of trouble....lol. When I looked back to see how sad she was I wanted to say something like "this obviously isn't what you want, what do you say we just put an end to this BS". Instead I new it was best to keep quiet, be a friend and feel "empowered" that I could make a difference while having compassion for my W's feelings. It would have to be her choice when to make that decision. My W was on a rollercoaster and I just stayed a constant friend. Enjoying the day was the thing to do....leave for another day. There were several more little waves like this before we re-united.

I know this is a relatively minor example and a very small "hill-valley" on the rollercoaster but I think it gives some insight to where consistency, patience, and detachment come into play.

I hope this helps you through the next couple of days, particularly this weekend with the get together. Be casual, have FUN, no pressure.

[Neilh23]

i've noticed myself that i seem to be forcing the compliments... i always used to compliment her appearance...very generic tho. I'm starting to feel like i'm slipping back into my old habits when complimenting her. today i said "i think that shirt looks good on you" and i offered my unsolicited opinion on the shoes she was going to wear......

ugh.

this sucks sometimes...i almost feel like i'll never get this communication thing down to make it not sound self centered

[TwinDad]

Yeah they have been sounding pretty "forced" to me as well all the way over here, and if I can see it then the W that has you under a microscope certainly can. This isn't to say she doesn't appreciate your effort.....she probably does, but in the same part she probably feels pressure from it as well.

Don't beat yourself up...just dial it back. Besides, from what you said about your W it sounds like there are things a lot more near and dear to her heart than her personal appearance.......her career, raising the children.

I also feel if you are looking for something nice to say, these can be weaved into a conversation a lot more "naturally" than what she is wearing, because they would be things you would talk about while getting together (I assume you don't have conversations about how good you each look) . I think for her a reflective compliment is going to work the best (i.e. She says "I did xyz at work" you say "yeah, I like how you handled that, I will have to keep that in mind" (it is good you share the same career)

[Neilh23]

true...she's just gotta open up about work again...LOL....i hate to say this, but i feel like i'm stumbling a little bit lately....like my confidence in myself/sitch has gone down. not sure if it was because what happened the other day or not...IDk..perhaps that's why i feel like i'm trying to force things more...it doesn't feel natural....

good grief....

[TwinDad]

good grief....

Dude, you are not Charlie Brown.......lol....pick a different inspiration

If it doens't feel natural then don't do it. Lets face it us guys are not as good at faking things as our W's are........

Make the next couple days about being light and fun....a good work up for your get together on Saturday and then light and fun are the words of the day as well.