The Wifey - Still working.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Kelly Jo))))))

Right! Stop beating yourself up! Are there things you would have done differently? Of course! So, learn from those, but don't hit yourself with them!

So, what does Kelly Jo enjoy? What makes her smile?

[The Wifey]

Ok Jeff. I'll stop. I am going to have to figure out the GAL thing. I have a lot of things I liked to do when my life was what I thought was secure. Its just like I've had the rug pulled out from under me. I'm having a hard time detaching.

Someone pointed out that I seemed to have an unhealthy attachment to my h. Maybe I do, maybe I am just in a normal state of shock. I don't know. In any case, before this I went and did things, I was confident, I had interests, etc. Many developed because my h didn't do a lot with me over time.

I love music and dancing. I'm involved with the legion auxiliary, I have friends, I like outdoor activities (camping, fishing, nature walks, etc), I like to sew and knit and crochet, I love to read, I like to swim, I like to suntan in the summer, I like to go and do and see new things. I write for the local newspaper, I like to take photos, I love my dog, I like to bake and cook.

Right now I'm just scared I'm losing the most important person in the world to me and I feel paralyzed sometimes. I know what I need to do and I do it for a while and then I backslide.

My husband is a score-keeper. He knows everything I've ever done wrong and he can tell you, too. I am on a very long and scary road right now.

[Coach]

KJO, Want him vs need him. Don't appear clingy or needy. Want him because you are worth it. One of the keys to DBing is taking responsibilty for yourself. You can't change him nor he you. You take care of yourself. Turn some music on and dance by yourself. Go on, no one is watching.
Of course you are scared, we all are. If what you are doing is not productive stop doing it, if it works keep doing it.

My husband is a score-keeper. He knows everything I've ever done wrong and he can tell you, too.

He does not know everything you have done wrong. Only God does and he still loves you. If your H keeps scores that is his issue. This is not a game so who cares about the score. Remember you are not on the road alone. Lions and tigers and bears oh my! Lions and tigers and bears oh my!* You will survive.

* Coach's attempt at humor using Wizard of Oz reference.

[The Wifey]

(((Coach)))

I can't tell you how much you just helped me. I do want him. I want him and I am worth it. I can only take care of me.

I have to stop the pursuit. I have to drop the rope and just let go.

[Rob1231]

Hey KJo, You really set me up with a great opening here, gonna jump right in:

Right now I'm just scared I'm losing the most important person in the world to me and I feel paralyzed sometimes. I know what I need to do and I do it for a while and then I backslide.

You are exactly right - except you have the wrong person in mind! That important person, the one you need to find and hold onto, is YOU. That's where to begin! You've told us some terrific things about yourself, things you like to do that are fun, interesting, and exciting. Get out and do them - do them with energy and passion! Be the very best person you can be - that's how to attract and keep the other people you want in your life.

My husband is a score-keeper. He knows everything I've ever done wrong and he can tell you, too. I am on a very long and scary road right now.

Let him keep score if he thinks he has to right now. You know what that is worth? Not one d@mn cent. I guarantee BOTH of you made plenty of mistakes along the way. Who cares? It's not what you did in the past that is going to make any difference, it's what you do today, and what you're going to do tomorrow.

[ndsmhelp]

Hey Kelly Jo
It's your male counterpart typing...the guy with the unhealthy attachment to his wife. If I can get better at it, anyone can. Remember my post the other night?? I actually fell asleep before she got home....honestly that may have been the first time in 20 years. I'm not saying I am over it, but it takes time. Hang in there.

My husband is a score-keeper. He knows everything I've ever done wrong and he can tell you, too. I am on a very long and scary road right now.

My wife and were talking and joking a few weeks ago, and somehow the subject of one of my wrongdoings came up, don't remember which one.

I said "do you remember every bad thing I ever did to you", and she said "yes I do".

They remember the bad and the good. If she were to leave tomorrow, or ask me to leave, what would be freshest in her mind? The old me, or the new me. I strive each day to make some kind of impression in her mind that will stay with her if it were to be the last thing she remembered about me.

You know it may sound silly, but here is the way I look at it. I do other things but this is just an example.

I wake up and leave before her in the morning. Most days, I get up get ready make my coffee and before I leave make her tea for her. Last week we started juicing so I made us juice in the morning. When I leave I always say bye and have a nice day...I love you is still off limits.

Should I never come back through that door, by my, hers or Gods choice, what is the last thing she will remember? Hopefully not something I did 10 years ago, but the cup of tea I made her and the "good bye, have a nice day".

I think slowly but surely the good will over come the bad. Holding a grudge takes a lot of energy, trust me I know because I have always been a grudge holder. That is what got me where I am today.

[Coach]

They remember the bad and the good. If she were to leave tomorrow, or ask me to leave, what would be freshest in her mind? The old me, or the new me. I strive each day to make some kind of impression in her mind that will stay with her if it were to be the last thing she remembered about me.

Love it! Great way to look at the situation. When I got out of the Air Force and was looking for a civilian job the best advice I got was this: Make sure that the person responsible for hiring you always has something new and impressive in your application folder. Follow-up letter, article about you, article they might be interested in, something that pertains to their kids etc. Woman get that better than men.
Thanks ndsmhelp you da bomb!

[ndsmhelp]

I don't want to hijack KJ's thread, but let me say something else...for you too, Kelly Jo.

The last few weeks, for one reason or another, the subject of other women's spouses or boyfriends has come up. My wife would go into these descriptions of what she has heard from these women and how they are being treated.

The behavior sounded so much like what I used to do, I would cringe. How could she be listening to these women and talking to me about it, and not remembering every detail of every bad thing I had ever done?

Most of these talks were while were out having dinner, doing something fun, and I can't think of one time when she acted cool or cold after the conversation. Most times it was just the opposite.

I remember in one of Smartcookie's posts, she talked about her own anger slowly going away.

It was Bworl that told me each positive will help erase one of the negatives.

[Neilh23]

Kjo-
what type of milkshake did ya get? and what did you listen to?

look...we all have moments where we doubt ourselves and our sitchs.....it's the way of life. Again, this is something i've said alot lately....it's how we come out of the doubt that makes the difference.....ya know? Find a way to make yourself happy and GAL. aYou know you can, just do it.

the unhealthy attachment thing............remember, it's a dance. When one desires closeness (you) the other wants space (your H). Find the happy medium....and dance the night away...

Stay strong.....i believe in you.

[Continuing]

Hi Wifey,
Tough times, I see (me too). I'm sorry, I really am; I know the pain, the frustartion, the rage, the sorrow...and the fear.

I have a new favorite quote at the moment:
"Fear is the natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

And it is a truth about yourself. You and I are terrified at the spector of our spouses' departure. The question is 'Why'? (and the answer is much deeper than "because he's important to me" or "because I love him" or "he's all I've ever known")

I can't answer this for you but I believe the answer, once found and worked through, will fundementally change who you are. My goal is to use this time to find out these answers and ultimately change. But its not just changing what I do (although thats part of it). Acting as if is, in some ways putting the cart before the horse and this is ok, it gives us time to figure some things out.
But the changes I am attempting to make far surpass any behavioral changes that I can 'do'. I'm going for something more dramatic...say...rebirth.

So, IMO, GAL is NOT about making yourself happy its about being happy with yourself.