2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

My H has filed for the big D. Any of you who remember me know this is of course the last thing I want. But however, I am trying to make it as painless as possible. I still have contact with him because of the kids. So I try to be civil at all costs, no matter how painful.

This has been hard to do now that I found out about OW. Not sure the exact relationship and not sure I want to know. But found out from my kids that OW stayed overnight in my s-i-l's yard with him and my kids. And D8 said this was not the first overnight. What infuriates me is that I have no rights about this according to a lawyer. H can do what he wants with who he wants with my kids, no matter how inappropriate or painful it may be to them. I know I am not the first to have this happen to, and I knew this was an eventually reality, but that doesn't make it any less painful. And now instead of just hearing about it she has been there the last 2 nights I came to pick up the kids. Yesterday I took the high road, walked past H and introduced myself to her. Tonite I just saw the car out front of his father's and my heart dropped to my knees. Is it fair to have it in my face now? To this day H has never mentioned her, just heard it from D8. People's advice to "get over him" or he's a jerk just are not doing it. I cannot flip a switch on my emotions like H. I am trying my best not to say anything bad to anyone about this person I don't know. I want to be the better person. I left H a voicemail tonite as I was highly upset, that do me a favor and if you are not going to be alone when I pick up the kids then do me the courtesy/decency and let me know and I will pick them up around the corner. I know everyone will say it was wrong. But I didn't say anything bad about anyone or the situation, just that I do not want it to be upsetting me on a daily basis now, I just cannot handle the stress. Feel like I have gone back to the first few weeks of separation again, can't eat, can't function at work, can't sleep, as you can see from the time it is. After nearly 25 years together all I am asking is that it be fair and I don't have to be treated like a piece of garbage. Do you think I am wrong? I'm not even asking to have it over, that is his choice. If I had my way I would just have it done away from the kids at this time as I don't think they should have to be subject to it.

I have not dated, after all of this I have no interest. And the few times I have gone out with males from my support group I did it when I didn't have the kids and kept it away from them so they wouldn't think it was something. But that is not upfront in everyone's mind as we all know. If it was WAH's might not have left in the first place.

Sorry to be so long, this really sucks. I wish I could time travel. Sigh..Thanks for listening.

[HSSweetheart]

After 2 days of no contact and talking to lawyers about my sitch, I called H and told him to stop avoiding me and call me, we could do this easy or the hard way. He called right back to see he hadn't been avoiding me. Said he wasn't hiding OW. I said he wasn't honest or forthcoming about it. All I ask for is honesty. Told him I didn't feel her sleeping in a tent with my S12 and D8 was appropriate. Of course he disagreed. Says he introduced her to the kids 2 wks ago and only met her 4 before that. So 6 weeks and this ga ga already? Arghhhh. Has he learned nothing? Spoke w/f-i-l who he lives with and he is as miserable as I am, and basically told me to take legal action and threaten him into reality. He wants to sell his house because he wants him out but won't throw him out. H told him wait a year and I will buy it!! F-I-L said no! Good for him! He didn't want to say too much but basically says he is immature, acting like a teen and doesn't like the home invastion of OW. They eat there every night together. Ewwww. Sorry. Lawyers say there is really nothing I can do about overnights, no matter how inappropriate. It is sad as a parent to lose control. Does anyone else agree? I am going to fight him for more than the 50/50 that he wants. He will never agree but I am going to say then we will go to court, spend money, bring up OW tent, d8's therapist (my side, behavioral issues with her) as proof and I think they will side with me-I hope! But I would rather convince him it isn't worth all of that and just agree as I am only asking for one more day. I just have to put it a way he understands.

But don't get me wrong, I am trying to be reasonable and fair. I feel better just having said some peace and we agreed to a sit down next week. I am going to be sure there are no time restrictions on it and am going to write notes for myself on things. Any suggestions?

[HSSweetheart]

This is so painful, down to my soul.

Didn't sleep again. Bet he did. Wish I could stop the voices.

What is wrong with me? I am sane or at least I used to be.

Feel like I have no one, no control over stuff. I wish I could figure out how to help myself...

[JCJ]

Hi HSSweetheart

I'm really sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just going through a really hard hard time at the moment.

Is there any way that you can hold off on all the arrangements at the moment to give yourself a little bit of healing time. He will probably view your actions as putting pressure on him and that will push him further awa y and he will run and that is the opposite of what you want.

I know that you don't want your kids experiencing this and meeting this ow but it sounds like there isn't a lot you can do at the moment. The more you say to your h that you don't want him doing that the more it will push him the other way and see his actions as justified. Can you see any ways of making you the greener grass? Try focusing on you for a little while, I know it seems impossible but it will really honestly help I promise.

[HSSweetheart]

OMG, I am soooo glad you said that. Last night I registered for online dating, a free site. I went on this morning and ended up chatting with someone who turns out graduated a year after me in my HS. Anyway, I have been on it all day and it has been a needed distraction. Though at this time I don't think I am ready, it has surprisingly given me hope that perhaps one day there will be another - - and believe me that is something that could not have been further from my beliefs.

I do think you hit the nail on the head, now that my head has a few clear seconds. I was thinking myself that I should back off on the 3 lists of demands I wrote. I knew anyway that he would blame them on my jeleousy anyway. I was going to ask for the kids for another day which would mean 4 days me, 3 him. I don't think he will like it much, he will believe and partially true that I am trying to get them away from OW. But for me it is also about me needing them more right now - and certainly him less. And stability I feel for them is a good thing. especially when school starts. What do you think? If he fights me then my only other option is to fight it in court - lots of money I don't have and might still remain 50/50.

I have to try and re-read divorce remedy again. It is just so painful to hear right now I don't think I could. Help convince me. I know it will help me even if I know he will not ever return. He has already filed.

[sgctxok]

Hi HSS:


JCJ gave you great advice. And MANY spouses come back after filing, and a lot even between the judge saying ok and the folks signing the papers.....and EVEN with another spouse.

What you must do....is ACT NOW.

It doesn't matter if it isn't fair. It doesn't matter if you've already DBd before.

DO NOT engage in divorce talk, who gets this and who gets that, be vague and avoid.


You can do this, but you must do this well.

If you're willing, click notify.....I will check on you.

[HSSweetheart]

He says he will not come back, even if worst choice ever. Now has GF of 6 weeks who is over every night, eats with MY family and he took them all to the shore for the weekend and they slept in the same bed. This is killing me! I can't eat or sleep, lost 28 lbs so far, I am obsessing. I really need help but cannot seem to stop this. I want my marriage back so bad I would literally cut off a limb to get him back. That is pitiful I know but I hate being alone and lonely and jeleous and hurt. I am a wreck!!! Haven't been this bad since he left until GF showed up. He tells me to move on, its almost been a year. I said 9 months and he was still my H. He said he was not. I said legally he was. I cannot stop. Any advice other than get over it and focus on the kids. My head knows it all but the heart keeps blocking common sense. Help me please

[sgctxok]

Ok. Don't argue with him, don't try to convince him...all of this will make it WORSE!

Pull back and take care of yourself. You CAN do it!!!

Go pitch black.

Center yourself. You are going to take several weeks to just take care of yourself. Really. And then we will work on coming out of the dark ... and with strength.


The more desperate you look to him, the worse your chances are...so be positive....do something to pamper yourself.
I command you to get a pedicure....it has worked for a few of us in changing our PMA. Even a massage and/or yoga. Do the things that nurture and relax you. YOU CAN!


Lots of marriages are saved at the 11th hour, do not despair.

[HSSweetheart]

Hope is what got me through last time he left. I was the same at first then rallied while reading the book. I don't feel like there is any hope now.

I am on vac this week so I have the kids during the day and he gets them Weds, Thurs, Sundays, and every other Mon so we are exactly 50/50. The babysitter comes to our house so he drops them off every morning by 7:30, even during school. He is the first one home each night so he takes them to his father's and they eat dinner with the GF. If it is my night I pick them up. I freaked out last week because she was there. I walked up to her Mon, stuck out my arm and said I wanted to introduce myself, said my name and nice to meet you. Tuesday her car was there but I didn't see them. I spent those 2 days on the lawn calling support from all my friends and crying hysterically to anyone who would listen. Then I called and left a VM stating if he is not alone when I pick up the kids to have the courtesy/decency to let me know and I will pick them up at the corner. I changed my schedule to get out early Thurs so I could come home to relive the babysitter and not have to pick them up over there. This week I told him I will feed them each night then on his 3 nights he can come get them. I tolt him this morning I didn't want to be his enemy I want to be civil. He dropped of my D8 yesterday at the front door and had her ring the bell-by the time I got to the door he was gone- she said he parked down the street, GF was w/him. He said he wasn't avoiding me but was avoiding the scene and had to go to the bathroom. I told him I had a bathroom in the house. He said no matter what he did I would have complained. I know I keep saying wrong things but I cannot help it. If i could just flip a switch. He has moved much of his stuff out but some is still here. He has bought many new clothes and looks different now. I just cannot imagine there being any hope.

[HSSweetheart]

PS - I cannot thank you enough for taking the time with me instead of just scolding me as others have. In my current mental state I could not take that. I cannot take the cliche's from everyone like get over it, etc.anymore. I want to be locked up in a rubber room but then the kids get taken away so I don't even get allowed the time to recover, life must go on no matter how I feel. It sucks.