How to tell the kids

[scrappy]

Despite the fact that we have been communicating and at the best place we have been in a very long time, my H wants to proceed with the D he filed on 6/23/08. See my previous post for my story. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...ue#Post1515591. In short, there is so much potential in our relationship but he is afraid things will go back to the way they have always been (my poor financial sense and both being miserable for the past 3-5 years). We haven't told the kids up to this point because he was thinking about his decision and wanted to be sure. He told me this AM that he is sure. I am feeling that we need to tell the kids. We tentatively planned to do it tonight. Our house is for sale and we will be moving. It has been difficult to discuss any of the details of the move, like about the house/property, because of my not knowing if H was going with or not. I had hoped 'we' would tell them about the new house, etc. What I am wondering is how exactly we say it to the kids. Do we say "we have decided not to stay together.." or do we say "daddy has decided that he no longer wants to be married..." I think I already know what the answer is. It's just that if His the one who wants this, he should be able to take the heat so to speak. I don't want the kids to think this D is something I wanted. I want to stay married. Don't my kids deserve to hear that? Or is that being too selfish? I know that is mean towards my H. Maybe it's where I am mentally at this moment.

We did tell the kids a few weeks ago that we were considering getting a D so they know we have been thinking about it. I think they will be surprised when we tell them we are getting a D, because H and I have been talking and getting along probably more and better than they can ever remember! My kids are D15, S13, D11, D11.

What does everyone think? Any advice on how best to do this would be appreciated. My primary concern, of course, is for my kids and what would be in their best interest.

HELP! Thanks in advance..Michele

[7 Year Itch]

Ugh, it's so hard. Tell the kids we were separating was by far the hardest thing we have done.

Our C advised us to do it together. to plan what we were going to say together so we were on the same page, and showed a "united front". We did not bring up the D word during our talk, but explained that Daddy was going to be moving out, and we were going to be taking a "time out" from each other for awhile. That we needed space from each other. That we both loved them, and that would NEVER change. That they should talk to either of us at ANY time about anything. It was ok to be angry, sad, confused, but that the important thing was we wanted them to talk to us, and to know we both loved them and would ALWAYS be their parents.

I hear you on wanting him to "take the heat". I did too, but ultimatly it's not what is best for the kids. There have been times during our Separation though when D6 will say things like "I miss Daddy, I want him to come home" to which I will be honest and say. "I know honey, Mommy hopes one day Daddy will come home too". I make it clear that I miss and love him still too during talks like that, but I don't say things like...... "Your Dad is causing this etc........",. I just make it known that I'm sad about the situation too.

And because we have faith, I just pray alot with her for our family to be restored and I tell her we just have to have faith that the best thing for all of us will happen, and sometimes God knows better than us.

It sucks. Plain and simple. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to put my kids through, and I have shed numerous tears over the pain I've seen them go through. Just remind them daily you love them, Daddy loves them and that will never change, and encourage them to talk to both of you often.

Chris

[scrappy]

Unfortunately, someone (my mother) told my kids that their Dad wasn't moving to the new house with them. We are in the process of selling our house and moving to another. My kids were told this while visiting their other Grandmother. It is a 5 hour flight to this GM's house so all the comforting I could do was over the phone. I didn't tell them it was true or untrue, but that we'd talk about it when they got home. I told them I wanted them to have a good time on their trip and not to worry about it right now. I am sorry we waited to tell them. I have wanted to tell them, but H keeps wanting to put it off, as I know he has doubts. Not enough doubts to stop the D proceeding, though. My kids will be home on Monday. We will talk with them then. I desperately want to save my marriage. However, I do not want my kids hearing things from others either. I know my H is conflicted, but I feel like he just needs to make up his mind. If he is conflicted, then put the D on hold. If he is sure then don't. Things between us have been better than they have in years, though, so I am enjoying that while I can. Soon me and the kids will move out and the reality of our sitch will be more readily felt. I pray often for healing for our family and for my protection for my kids. I will continue DB'ing and working on myself. I know this is the key to my marriage having any chance.