MLC Stages. where are we?

[thrillisgone]

W was clearly struggling throughout 2005-2007. Communication was strained and unclear at times, other times we had great interaction. Lots of closet drinking going on, one near breakdown and a year of undercover antidepressant usage. Then in 6/07 came the hysterectomy and subsequent hormone replacement.We find out just prior to the hysterectomy that my W is post menopausal and we both are shocked. W began to withdraw from me, question the meaning of life and also at this time found out one of her parents had stage 4 colon cancer.
12/07 W's father nearly dies in the hospital but pulls out of a tailspin
1/08 - W begins to withdraw more and has had an EA for sometime now. Expresses discontent with life, marriage. Wants to be a kid again.

2/08 - Does not respond at all to our anniversary. We finally go on a trip late month and W's behavior is off the wall. Manic, disengaged, confused, angry, sad, indignant all in a week. she cries and says "its her not me", doesn't know what to do.Talks about divorce and then backs off.
3/08 - W is distant, angry, but does not want separation or divorce. Then she suddenly packs a small bag while I'm out of town and leaves to pursue an affair and goes into hiding. I catch up to her in public and one minute she is clutching me tightly and the next minute she is staring right through me with eyes I can not describe. We were scheduled for marriage counseling the day after she left. One of the things she said was that "She wouldn't be able to express her feelings" in counseling. I went and kept the appointment, she of course did not show.
4/08- W expresses extreme guilt, indicates to others that she loves me and that I'm a great guy and that I deserve better. She is also adamant about wanting a divorce BUT wants me to file on her. She will not see me and our conversations are by phone and she is impaired everytime. Passed out on the phone once. Says she doesn't want to place blame but does indicate that it is all my fault. Excuses are pretty flimsy at best. I'm chasing at this time and trying to get her to the table to talk. She refuses. She then files for divorce.
5/08 W is partying, spending money out the wazoo, engaged in a PA and our conversations are fruitless. She disengages from anyone who disagrees with her including family. I'm still trying to detach and start to just listen but it is clear that I'm talking to an alien. Meanwhile she comes to our home ( I'm not there as she will not see me) and cleans out and throws out thousands of dollars in clothing, sentimental items from family and items like her wedding dress.
6/08 W seems to have settled down some. She is re-engaged in her career but admits to having problems concentrating. Some conversations are very good and strangely like nothing has happened, even though we are in D discussions and are deconstructing what took us 30 years to build.There are mutual displays of sadness and tears. Other conversations turn into displays of irritability and anger for which she seems to have some remorse for her lack of control. We exchange financial documents so that we can get on with the business of property division. At that time I leave her a 5 page letter. I tell her that it will be waiting at the house with the rest of the documents. She seems surprised and somewhat grateful for the gesture. In the letter I express my feelings for her, my appreciation for who she is and has been in my life and the importance of our marriage to me.I express that the door is still open until she signs the final papers. I ask that she puts a hold on the D.
7/08- My lawyer has not heard anything. I have heard nothing for going on 6 weeks now. My W has gone dark. No response to phone calls or e-mails. There have been no attempts by me for communication in the last 3 weeks.

Guys and Gals - I really love this woman. We had a terrific marriage and more fun than I ever imagined possible. I'm very dedicated to my wedding vows and to my W. I'm in limbo and trying to figure out where we are in the MLC stages so I might respond appropriately. Any idea what I'm seeing? This started in 2005.

[thrillisgone]

anybody out there? Where are all the experts? Help

[MidwesternGirl]

Have you gone to this link?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=657119&page=1&fpart=1

[MidwesternGirl]

Gosh, I went to the above link and looks as though I could not find what I was looking for, for you.

You still might want to check it out and find your way around as there might be something that catches your eye.

[thrillisgone]

I did find the 6 stages of MLC doing a google search which brought to a long ago posted description from the DB board.

What I was wondering was where my situation fits into those stages.

Denial,Anger,Replay,Depression,Withdrawal and Acceptance.

I've seen the denial,anger,replay but the current behavior is confusing me. I just wondering if anyone could give it some context within the stage definitions of MLC.

Thanks for your help

[Dawn of Hope]

TIG,
I don't know that I'm an expert, but I'll give you my opinion....(I just posted for the first time here myself, after over 6 months of lurking, and am hoping someone responds to me too!)

Has your W been thoroughly checked by a doctor? Psychiatrist in particular, but also those who deal with hormones and such? I'm certainly no expert, as I said before, but I have to say that this sounds more along the lines of physical/mental illness than classic MLC to me. Bipolar, perhaps? I've been fighting suicidal depression for almost 30 years (not treated until 7 years ago), so I know a little about mental illness from the inside (I don't know a lot about bipolar per se, though). It can be a *real* head trip. It's like looking at the world through dark glasses, but you don't know that it's the glasses that are making things dark--you fully believe that's just reality. Even knowing intellectually that the glasses are there doesn't help much in accepting that your view is skewed, because that's all you see.

Also, I haven't hit menopause myself (I'm 42), but I hear that sometimes weird things happen mentally to those going through it. Hysterectomy and hormone replacement can mess with women's minds too, although I don't know a lot about it. Another thing I don't personally know much about is alcohol abuse (I'm a teetotaler and have never dealt closely with an alcohol abuser); however, I know that might have a warping effect on her thinking. I hear that alcoholics drink to excess because they can't deal with reality (you know what they say--reality is for those who can't handle drugs!) so I'm guessing that in trying to avoid her problems she is just making them worse.

I would definitely not contact her if I were in your position. Give her space to sort herself out. I would guess that she is trying to find her way out of the darkness, and it would be in everyone's best interests if you don't interfere, because no one else can help her, unless there's a medical issue that can be addressed, so trying to help will just get you smeared with what she's trying to get out of. You have clearly expressed your love and support to her, it sounds like, so I think that if she is mentally screwed up enough (for whatever reasons) to think badly of you for leaving her alone to figure things out, then nothing you might say to her would help. If she contacts you, just be pleasant and supportive and not clingy or needy, but you might express concern for her health and see if she would be willing to see a doctor. Beyond that, I would say just follow the general DB principles--GAL, take care of yourself, try to make yourself happy, detach, drop the rope, etc. If you push her, she will just run farther away, I think.

Just my two cents--hope some more seasoned DBers will check in!

Peace,
Dawn of Hope

[AmyC]

In the grand scheme of things, the MLC stages are definitely NOT carved in stone and there is much fluctuating back and forth between them. So don't sweat figuring that out so much as just watching and listening to your wife for guidance.

My hope, after reading your breakdown of events, is that your wife is in one of the final stages of a mid-life crisis. You really won't know until she resurfaces, though. She could still be cycling.

As a former MLCer myself, I can tell you that if your wife comes out of this and seeks to make amends no matter how small, I can tell she will be blessed to find you still standing. Clearly you've already been through enough - I can read between the lines of your timeline - to justify being gone. Trust me when I tell you that if she can muster up the strength it takes to come back, you can still make it through this. The choice at this stage is entirely yours.

For whatever it's worth, I think she is lucky that you are still around at all much less holding out hope for a reconciliation.




AmyC

[thrillisgone]

DoH - I have consulted multiple doctors,psychologists and one psychiatrist. All of them tell me that this might be a combination of the hormone and steroids she is taking with some degree of personality disorder or traits. The problem here is that some of this behavior started before the hormone replacement.I think the drinking is just a symptom of whats underneath. MLC is sometimes defined as a combination of hormonal, depression and unresolved issues. My W's behavior seems to fit under the MLC heading and under that are definate other contributing issues.

I tried to get her to a mainstream doctor for bloodwork. She wouldn't go. she went as far as to promise family members that she would but as far as I know she never went. I also asked her last time I talked to her if she was in counseling. She told me "No, but I should be"

The more pressure people put on her in the early stages, the more she began to justify her actions and blame them on me. The trigger for her crisis, was her Dad's near death in Dec 07.

[Mike85]

thrill:

Most of the people who reply here are "fellow sufferers" or "former sufferers," and as such, they log onto the board and reply to whichever posts they happen to read and decide to respond. If you post in desperation and always hope for a quick reply, you'll go nuts - sometimes the great people here happen to be online and reading and choose to reply, and sometimes they're off living their lives.

I'm in the "fellow sufferer" category, dealing with a wife who followed the MLC script to a "T" - dropped the bomb in May and is now shacking up with a Barney Rubble lookalike who is ten years younger than her and is a recovering alcoholic to boot. Michele's books and the absolutely wonderful people on this board have been a HUGE (not to sound like a Fuccillo car ad...) source of help, advice, and strength for me, but understanding that they're folks like us has required me to also seek my own "at home" help to supplement them. I talk with my priest, I have a therapist/counselor to whom both I and my wife go (sometimes seperately, sometimes together), and I have learned to not be afraid to rely on friends (even ones with whom I had lost touch) and family. I pray a lot more and have learned to truly cherish time with my two young sons, my friends, and my extended family. I have hope for reconciliation despite my pain and feelings of betrayal, and I know that this is going to be a long, bumpy ride.

Even when no one seems to be responding to you here at a particular moment, please realize that you're not alone.

[thrillisgone]

AmyC - I shed many tears after reading your response. As a matter of fact I've had to clear them away to see the keyboard.

This has been one hell of a tough ride thus far. Definately the best diet I've ever been on. Lost 14 lbs in 2 weeks and a total of 20 all together. The bad thing was that I had just completed a 10 week PT program prior to the bomb and was solid muscle. The 20lbs I lost nearly killed me. Its been 4 months and I've only gained 7lbs back.

I love this women and would give my life for her. Where I come from you don't turn your back on your friends, your family and your spouse. The betrayal, rejection, deceit is a real morale killer. I'm in it until she shuts the door and finishes the divorce. The thing that keeps me going are the TONS of unbelievable great memories. She is a wonderful wonderful human being inspite of what she has done. I prefer to remember her that way regardless of how this ends. She will have to end it. I will not.

Thanks so much for your response. It touched me deeply.