Hoo boy. I have been there done that, got the T-shirt but it's too small.
Nothing seems to work with my h. Not email (I get dumped on like you), not verbally (he doesn't listen to me) and face to face I just can't bring myself to talk about R stuff.
I dunno what to do either. How to validate without making it seem like you're rolling over and saying 'kick me'
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
The fact that you have had some dialog is great. You need to decide if you want your H and your M. If you do, then getting into a situation where he says you did "xyz" and you respond with yeah but you did "abc" won't get you anywhere. Remember when people are hurt believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.
You can only take ownership of where you went wrong and make changes. You can not make him change through demands. The whole DB principal is based on you making changes and those changes effect changes on your H. I have seen it work in my sitch.
It sounds like your H is still hurting but misses you.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Yes, I know this, but I feel like I'm a dead horse being beaten over and over and over again... it's just how much more am I suppose to take on responsibility for. I can't take 100% blame, and that's what he wants. I just can't do it. I won't. I have apologized, taken on full accountability for my own. I've tried validating him... it never ends. I can't get out of the past. I haven't made any demands on him, nothing of the sort.
I don't know if he misses me, really. I'm having a hard time with that. I think what he misses is the fact that I am not around physically to do things for him... not me as a person, if that makes sense? He wants to be validated. I understand that. I just can't agree with him... that it's all my fault.
I don't know what I want anymore. I haven't responded to him, because I just don't know what to say. I'm speechless, really. There are too many thoughts going through my head. I don't plan on 'counter-acting' him. I know that will get nowhere- otherwise I would have ripped into him. But no, I didn't.
I just don't know what to say at this point. I guess to me, it's better not to say anything than say something that gets twisted and turned against me.
I guess to me, it's better not to say anything than say something that gets twisted and turned against me.
I hear you there. Stay strong.. you are making progress. Remember a while back you just wanted to be patient and not-like the other WAW's in his life, so he would respond to you? Well, cross that goal off your list. What's your next goal?
thinking of you! BS
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I don't know what my next goal is... never thought I get this far, honestly.
I did not sleep last night. I kept replaying his email in my head. Stupid chatter going on, and it just was absolutely excruciatingly hard not to get emotionally entangled, or angry, etc. But, I did pull out things specific from his email that I know needed to be addressed, ie meaning, I took ownership of somethings that I can see how it affectrd him, and apologized, validated him, etc. I did not know the extent to which he was so angry or what about. I don't agree with everything, but I didn't tell him that, just the parts that were big issues. I also thanked him for being open and honest with me. It's a first in a long long time. I wish he would have been this open with me DURING our relationship, that's for sure... but hey, live and learn. Moving forward. I've got better tools to use now.
My next goal I guess is to get as much of his pent up issues out in the open and vented, validated, etc... part of which he has just done. I need to work toward getting him into a comfort zone in talking with me. That means a lot of just listening on my part, and 'taking it'... ugh. This will be hard. I'd like to have a slow and steady process of dialog. But that might be reaching right now. I think I'll have to sit back just a little longer. Patiences....
Hmm... when I think about it... trust is another goal that needs to be worked on. He feels I betrayed him. The problem I have with this is that really, he's insecure because it wasn't like I just wrote nasty things about him and made him read it... he broke my privacy and hacked into my MySpace account, with my laptop but I wasn't hiding anything from him either. I thought I had no need to 'lock my stuff'... I trusted him. He read my private blogs, which upset him. Yes, I can totally 100% see why they would... but they weren't meant to be read by him. So, now, I'm on the low scum of the earth rating again because of it. I have since deleted the account.
Sigh, the sad part of it is that really, when I think about it, and if it had been me- Yeah, I would have gotten upset, it would have hurt, yes, but I would have sat back, read it with an open mind, analyzed it and disgusted it. I would have understood that it was HIS perspective. There is always three sides, HIS side, HER side and the TRUTH in the middle... that's what so frustrating to me. It just made me realize how insecure he is. He puts on that Mr. Touch Guy facade and walks around like he's untouchable, but man... he's really sensitive and insecure.
