Whew...It took a while to find my dusty thread and then low and behold it finally gasped it's last breath. It carried on for longer than I could have imagined so certainly no complaints coming from me. I thought since I am alone in the home(more on that later)I would scribble a little. Since I have lost my job my M has been on the steady decline. I think it may be time to toss some towels around. Lord knows I have been in the boxing ring of conflict for long enough. I haven't had any job offers and the time elapsed is 5 months and running. I have had dreadful interviews and what I thought were good interviews all coming to the same end...nothing. I am constantly getting rejection letters from jobs that I have already had stating that I am not qualified...hmmm..I guess I will have to give all those bonuses back for excellent work because I must be a fraud. I have been told in the past that I need to strictly speak only of my M and the tools to resurrect it or fine tune it. My thought on this is that my marriage encompasses my entire life, children, Wife, family and employment or lack there of. My loss of employment hasn't caused my marriage to be in turmoil but it hasnt helped either. How I have handled it and how my wife has handled has. I am back to where I was when this all happened before. The pieceing aspect helped immensely but like anything that doesn't receive nutrients or care it will wilt and die. I am not sure I want to try to resurrect my M any longer because it is quite a ugly animal to me. My W hours of work I can no longer tolerate. She came home again at 9:30pm last night which seems to be the average and I exploded. When she got home she went straight to bed and that was the show. Normally she spends about a half hour telling me how much everyone loves her there and what dimwits she works with and then grabs some leftovers from dinner and goes to bed. Whenever I try to tell her my feelings on how she needs to try to get home earlier because of the kids and me needing some sort of break she goes into her "OH, here we go again!" or "What's a matter with you now?" Last night I went into the bedroom and yelled that she needs to see her kids for at least a half hour. She said that she has a headache and she was tired and that I would never understand. I have stated in the past that I worked a full time job and took care of the kids while averaging about 3-4 1/2 hours of sleep for years. Of course it's not the same. She yelled back at me "Fine, I guess I am a lousy parent!" She sighed deeply while with the kids and muttering things under her breath. I tried to talk to her but I was enraged so I went in the garage to play a little guitar. In about five minutes she starts banging on the door and screaming that I had locked it. I opened the door and she said that she can't take my behavior any longer, I am kooky and she is tired of me accusing her of things and the like. I just told her I wanted to be listened to and cared about as well. To talk about something other than HER and Little league baseball. She said she didn't want to hear it. That when I brought up everything that was pi$$ing me off. When I went camping with the oldest she had cleaned the garage and smashed a hat that I had had a Rasta make especially for me when I was living in the caribbean. She said knew nothing about it and oh well.... So anyway, I will probably be moving this little here thread out of Piecing and somewhere more appropriate...HELL WITH IMMACULATE CUPBOARDS...anyway..."UMMMM HMMM...Like a watermelon" peace...
It's nice to have an update...been wondering how you're doing! You sound pretty fed up with the current state of affairs in Whapu's home, and I can't say I blame you. Frustration is flying at you from all angles.
You mentioned school several months ago--is there any chance you can get into some classes starting this fall? Brush up on skills or just figure out if you want to head in an entirely new employment direction?
Aud, Thanks for peering in! You know I would love to go back to school but at this point I don't think this little feeble mind will absorb any information so I don't want to waste any money or anyone's time. I had wanted to go into radio but the money is so small to start as a apprenticeship that being a most likely soon to be single father it will not work. I don't know maybe I'll buy a bag of tea leaves and read where that will take me.
Figgy, You are right on all ends and I certainly appreciate you peering in as well. I would like to add that I am being a shmuck as well. Each day that passes holds no promise, just slanderous adjectives and the like. I feel as though I have been transported into some bad grade "b" Indie film. I don't know how the wages of all these jobs got so low and the expectations so high. When I was working I didn't think I was making very much money but for all the jobs I have been applying for that I have done already, they are asking about 5-10,000 less a year. Which is odd. My money is nearly gone now so I am white knuckling it. I sent out another 20 apps and sadly even applied to get my old job back I just need to find some traction somewhere. My "R" has been still on the steady decline so anything that is said by my W or myself is "barbed". I try to stay out of the way but to no avail. I was late for M Son last baseball game because I was picking up her dry cleaning and delivering things for my mother because she is becoming rapidly ill. I had the camera in the car with me and I had the audacity to be late with traffic when I should know that I missed precious moments of the middle son playing. I told her we have a hard drive full of him scratching his crotch, biting his finger nails and staring with glove out forward. I know it was a mean thing to say but it is true and I was tired of doing things wrong while trying to do the right thing. Anyway, I am boring myself with all this. Thanks to all who have taken the time to peer in....peace
I would love to pluck strings and swig kindness with you and the immortal BH! But I need to find employment, self confidence and some spare change. I have already been giving the vagrants on the corner an "evil eye" in case I need to take their spot for business in the near future.
I feel currently that I might be in the midst of a "A moment of Clarity" so I am latching on to that as much as possible. I have an interview tomorrow for an insurance salesman job. Nothing in my wildest dreams have I thought I wanted to do but desperation brings strange bed fellows. All that have known me have always said that I would be a good salesman but I still have Willie Loman paranoia. I thought I would check it out anyway, it does take me away from the house for awhile. MY sitch is still the same except now we are in the "Tundra" phase. All conversation is arid and dry, with little moisture from anyones lips. It seems okay to me because it seems like some sort of reprieve from the onslaught of "YOU Don't listen, You don't understand"...etc...etc. I went bowling with the kids yesterday and had a good time but the air was heavy with the sounds of the "ticking hands of poverty". Sooo today, what does it hold? Hopefully something that isn't as moist and doesn't carry the same smell...I hope I responded within the alloted time limit, even though a "happy" anything trying to find me does give me comfort. So peace on the pathways and when I have a moment I'll will nudge my head to the side and throw out some other words...peace
Whapu... I have found that when I hunger the most is when the table has been set in front of me forever. I just can't seem to see the food.
Willie Loman be damned. You will do what it is in you to do and there are some wonderful salespeople out there. And perhaps you will gather a sense of self. My essteem improved remarkably when I finally landed a job.
And poverty is still my jacket. Just cuz I have a job doesn't mean I can afford anything more so bowling is great and so is feeding ducks and dancing in the rain and collecting leaves and visiting the library and making graveyard rubbings. Time is what means the most and that is what you have been giving your kids...you
pretty amazing gift in a world of IMs and email and picture in picture TV!!!
our house is always open to you so whenever you feel a tug, let us know and we will roll out the air mattress, fire up the grill and buy some good beer
much love to you Whapu and here is hoping for the raining season
Figgy, Thanks for meandering around my dank thread! There are wonderful salespeople out there, my father was one of them(even though insidious, lying and treacherous) but this job is straight commission....sink or swim. Hard to imagine at this point because I am flaying as it is currently.
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collecting leaves and visiting the library and making graveyard rubbings
Did you actually mention the forbidden? Graveyards and rubbing? I have always been in love with graveyards and the history and peace it provides! In fact that is where I learned how to play harmonica, playing to the spirits and the peace. Strange...maybe...but I love quiet and peace....not turmoil and angst.
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Our house is always open to you so whenever you feel a tug, let us know and we will roll out the air mattress, fire up the grill and buy some good beer
I appreciate your welcome but the grill has been fired up for a long time now I just want to get off. As far as feel a tug, I have been feeling that perpetually, so no unfamiliarity there. No air mattress will be necessary, I keep one in my trunk in case my kids and I happen to a mountain lake. I will try to gather what is out there, sense of self or maybe just maybe peace.....
I just need to find some traction somewhere.