I'm Sorry, FIB

[sgctxok]

This is a DIVORCE BUSTING forum. And there is a place for support of those whose marriages aren't working out no matter what they try and for those who just can't work on it anymore. Our hope is that is a very small amount of folks living with that situation.

Amy,

I guess you missed this part of the post.

You also took off on a tangent that takes you away from the truth. I have more than demonstrated my care for folks here. And I have explained myself that I have also been someone who couldn't take it anymore. I came here two relationships later, and wish I had the DB skills way back then. I have no idea if it would have saved my marriage. But I would have had the skills going forward.

It doesn't change the fact that our purpose on this site is to DB relationships.

sg

[sgctxok]

Our purpose here is SINGULAR. To save marriages. Please remember that.

sg

Mmm; I understand that this is Divorce Busters and we are here to save our marriages .. however, if you see someone losing themselves to save their marriage I don’t think it is wrong to point that out.


I personally would rather hear someone tell me what they felt in their heart not what they thought they should just because it fits in with the ethos of the website.



Nutty

Hi Nutty,

I appreciate your post and sentiment.

You can get all the folks who know you in real life, all your best friends and family can tell you you are in a downward spiral, etc.

I think the best approach would be instead of saying, hey Nutty, it isn't working.....your H/W is a jerk, I think you should leave...
to say....."Nutty, I can see you are miserable, and it makes me sad"...... Tell what you see, tell how you feel and stop at that point if you can't offer to help brainstorm other solutions.


Many folks who give up, years later, wish they hadn't.

I personally wish with all my heart I had these tools. I would have been more equipped for my decisions.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I keep hearing that DB might not save your M, but it can save YOU. But I guess that doesn't matter. Is that right?

Edit: not being snarky - I really want to know.

There is truth in that statement, but it comes from folks on the board. The PURPOSE is to save the marriage/relationship. Saving yourself is a good outcome.

People who follow the Divorce Remedy program felt better about themselves and more optimistic in general no matter what.

It sounds to me like it came from MWD.

[sofaraway]

It's just semantics folks. Of course the objective is to save the marriage. The way to do that is to improve yourself and get back to who you are so obviously the end result whether the marriage is saved or not is you are improved.


Ian

[sgctxok]

I want to clarify...Standing is good. I just don't try to push someone to do it.


Amy,

So what I hear you saying is as long as they were fighting to save their marriages - jacked up as they were in some cases - they were welcome to post freely on this board. But the minute they decided it was time to save themselves - their views are no longer important and are flat-out unwelcome to others who may be following similarly in their footsteps and NEED their insight. No. You hear incorrectly. Everyone is welcome to post. If you re-read, I mention we need to not help get someone to the point of the divorce. We need to speak life to the marriage/relationship. Obviously someone who is divorced is welcome to post.


What we learn here is useful whether or not we keep standing. Hell, in some cases it is priceless to other individuals and it doesn't make one bit of difference if we decided to hop off the rollercoaster that is DBing OR NOT.
Definitely. I haven't said anything contrary to that.
What if someone said that YOU as an individual didn't matter or didn't have anything to contribute???

You have twisted what I said. I said the marriage/relationship is the CLIENT. Not that the individual doesn't matter and we can't lend support.

I do not intend to further this discussion. I will continue to challenge advice I feel is harmful to the marriage/relationship.

[joyful]

I read his thread and it is apparent HE made his mind up by NOBODY telling him what to do. Censorship at its best.

[princess_nic]

Thanks for your reply, sg.

I find the reasoning circular, but I will let this go since I don't post anymore, precisely for the reason that I just can't support an M that I feel is destructive, which so often appears to be the case here.

[faithisbelieving]

HI....I finally found this and, well, since it starts out of my thread/sitch, I want to respond.

First off, Bill and Deb are incredible people. I have found their posts to be not only helpful and supportive but incredibly balanced. Many people here have been with me since day 1, but, for those who haven't been there, Bill was fighting to have me stand for my M while he was SUFFERING through the loss of his. HE NEVER TOLD ME TO GIVE UP ON MY M NOR DID DEB. The decision to file was singularly mine made after repetitive destructive behavior by my W while I tried my best to employ DB tools. Whether or not I implemented those tools well is another matter. The only message I received from Deb's post....was to be happy and make choices that were out of my heart...to get to a place of happiness. I don't think anywhere in there she told me to, even while in D, to dump my W. She only told me that in her experience, she tried her best, found her H's attempts to be insincere, and she made the same decision that I have. She was only trying to open my eyes.

In some ways, my suffering may have been prolonged here BECAUSE no one...NO ONE...told me to dump my W. Let's face it, it's clear by now that the hope for reconciliation can drag on forever as a form of denial. Some of us poor slobs can linger here, perpetually hanging on to nonexistent hope...drowning in a toxic codependent relationship.

But...we all have to travel that path...to try....to learn....before we come to that final conclusion...that even Michele put's in her book: that some marriages can't be saved. Kubler-Ross called death the final stage of growth. We don't yearn for death. We don't yearn for divorce...but is that a form of growth as well?

To sgct....I understand your position and I understand that we ALL want others that arrive here to save their M's. I've read AmyC's posts....I know frank_d and his journey and several other's here. This is one of the most painful processes to go thru. Everyone here has suffered emotional pain. Some more than others. But..if there is one thing I wish to throw out to you...it's just to rethink/have an open mind about having people 'fire themselves'. Why?

Simple....for some...perhaps only the very few....divorce may not be the 'end' of their relationships. If...if...some people remarry or if....if....the LRT is a tool to bring someone back into an M/R ("be prepared to follow through on your LRT"), then to have people 'fire themselves' would be a disservice to the poster.

You can use my OWN sitch as a case in point. This past weekend, my W, again, told me that she doesn't want a D....that she started to cry....that she asked me why I hated her (?) her so much...that she began to apologize...the she wants a new start....

If Bill...frank...amyC.....deb....had been terminated from giving me advice.....would I be here? Did DB'ing get me here? Is this just another crock from her or is she coming out of the tunnel.

CAUTION: I am not terminating my divorce nor do I intend to get burned a 4th time...

But...what is happening here?

Great caution must be exercised here, both on the part of the posters AND the mods. I see no disservice in recommending that a poster use care in advising that a LBS should terminate their M. I DO find it to be a disservice to tell them to 'fire themselves' period.

Most of us have been emotionally abandoned once. We don't need it again.

JMO.

FIB

[deb13]

FIB, I apologize for the delay in responding to your post. I just wanted to say "Thanks!" Thanks for your support and for being such a good friend.

I hope that you had a nice, and peaceful, 4th of July holiday and that you were able to spend it doing fun things w/ your children.

Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers!

Wishing you the BEST!
deb

[faithisbelieving]

Congratulations and welcome home Bill and Deb. Personally, I think you BOTH got the better of 'that deal'. Never forget your roots...and use it to build a bond that is unshakeable. Hugs. Frank