Looking for support from other WAS's

[Purple]

3. Remember this please
a. Work validates us as men
b. We do it mostly for our wives and family
c. We understand it takes time away from family & that does bother us
d. But we are so focus on where our career is going & what it can do for the family, that we don't stop & take time for the family {when I get this big account I'll take time then, but there will always be a big account = (}

It's not just men that do this. I think being too focussed on my job because I was doing it to make money to keep us afloat (plus it gave me a sense of belonging) is/was a major gripe of my h.

[Purple]

I'm here too. I can relate to your sitch, particulalry about the HS sweethearts thing and turning yourself into what you thought he wanted you to be.

[lost3031]

Thank you all for your continued support. The more time that passes, the more I begin to see things a little more clearly. Spending more time with H has been a good thing - I can now see myself going home eventually, although I think it will still be a little while before I am 100% comfortable with making that step. My biggest drawbacks right now are: 1) I'm scared that we will get stuck in our old rut once I return home; 2) I worry about the lack of old feelings (passion, etc.) on my part (will it get better or won't it?); and 3) Will I miss my new routine, new friends, and new "way of life" once I go back home?

Our D pretrial hearing has been set for 8/4/08, just 4 days before our 10-year anniversary. We have every intention of walking in and asking for a temporary stay of the proceedings in order to attend MC. How many of you have attended MC? What exactly goes on in a session? And what has been your experience with the costs (??)? Are there particular things we should be looking for in a counselor? Any info would be appreciated!

[Bridgestone]

Hi lost, glad to see you back here with such news.

I can now see myself going home eventually, although I think it will still be a little while before I am 100% comfortable with making that step. My biggest drawbacks right now are: 1) I'm scared that we will get stuck in our old rut once I return home;

That is a choice to stay stuck. You know better what the signs are now... pay attention to them so the road doesn't take you back to this point. MC can help you with this.

2) I worry about the lack of old feelings (passion, etc.) on my part (will it get better or won't it?)

I can't answer this one.. maybe SC can. My gut tells me to tell you, that you have to create the opportunties for those feelings to happen again and maybe this time they will be 'new' feelings.

and 3) Will I miss my new routine, new friends, and new "way of life" once I go back home?

probably... but there is no reason parts of your 'new' life can't be integrated into your 'new' life with H. There is no going back.. you're going forward, and those new routines, friends, way of life things need to be negotiated & compromised. Share your feelings about this with your H, ask for his understanding that missing the friends, routines, etc is not about NOT wanting to be with him, it's just is what it is.

How many of you have attended MC? What exactly goes on in a session? And what has been your experience with the costs (??)? Are there particular things we should be looking for in a counselor?

My experience with MC was not positive, neither H nor I were ina place where honest communication could happen in a safe manner either during or after a session. The counselor asks questions of both of you, getting both sides out in the room, helps guide you through better listening & talking points. In my case after about the 1st 2, our MC spent most of the next 4 doing IC with my H on his anger & the effect it had on the M. I think that is unusual though.

Cost-wise our insurance would pick up the cost of it(except for the $20 office visit) if we went to a clinic that is not part of my Employee Assistance program (EAP).. check with your employers, it is a very common benefit that is not widely publicized to employees, usually as gambling, drug or alcohol counseling, but in reality it is for ANY mental health or crisis issue and it's FREE!

I'd look for someone that makes you both comfortable in sharing deep feelings out loud in the room. Provides tools & techniques for improving the interaction you have with your H.
In my experience (& hearing of others on here) I came out of these sessions shaking, emotionally distraught, drained etc.

for me it's like I had all these hurts, frustrations, betrayals all covered up but they were rotting ... and the scars & scabs get picked off, the pus is allowed to drain out and you're left with the gapping wounds that can now heal a bit cleaner, but they hurt none the less.

I learned early on.. I couldn't go back to work after a MC session. Your milage may vary on that one & I hope some others weigh in with their experience, as mine was not a positive one as I'm reading about it!

Peace!

[alexjadams]

1) I'm scared that we will get stuck in our old rut once I return home;

If you do everything on your side to not get in the rut, when he finds it you will pull him out of it (which is why the 180's can't stop)

2) I worry about the lack of old feelings (passion, etc.) on my part (will it get better or won't it?)

If you focus just on the bad things you will only see the bad things focus on the positive & remind yourself why you married him

3) Will I miss my new routine, new friends, and new "way of life" once I go back home?

You can't have both they need to become one & if any of the new don't like the old you have no choice but to remove them from your life right now it's about your marriage, that's if that's what you want if you make the marriage the most important thing than it all will work out because it has higher precedence but if you don't then you will be back at this situation



The reasons we are all here is simple... complacency, then being taking for granted, next is frustration for being taking for granted, then pride/ego which leads to anger, then we start to keep score (they didn't do this so I'm not doing that) which ultimately brings us here as a WAS or a LBS

[lost3031]

Bridgestone, sometimes when I read your responses I feel like anything is possible! I like how you refer to my "new" life with H - because in essence, that's exactly how it will be. There's no way it can ever be the same as it was before - I don't want it to be! I want it to be better! And perhaps integrating the parts of my current life that I like into my "new" life with H will actually help make things better...

That being said, you've also made me terrified of MC! JK, although I must admit that I am a little more apprehensive about what to expect. Hopefully I have a more positive experience than you did...

[Bridgestone]

That being said, you've also made me terrified of MC! JK, although I must admit that I am a little more apprehensive about what to expect. Hopefully I have a more positive experience than you did...

I'm sorry to add to your fear of MC. I really think you & your H are in a much better place to do this than my H & I were.
Please get another perspective, like smart cookies, before you go and don't just take my opinion.

BS

[Flipper]

Hey lost,

My opinion on MC is:

Go to the DR chapter covering MC. It talked in-depth about finding a solution-based MC. Very important to find someone who is pro-marriage, IMO.

Our MC was having back problems and was quick to tell us to throw in the towel. Amazing! Read the DR chapter, please!

I agree with you and Brigestone; that there indeed can be a happy new life in your marriage. I learned that I smothered my W and would welcome "giving" her more freedom to be herself. But there will be selfish "friends" who may resent your decision to return to your (new) marriage. Follow your heart and beware of "friends" who would NEVER stand up for you like your H seems to be doing. Years from now, they will be gone, but family is forever.

People can change for the better and I know of couples, who split up, only to come together and are happier than ever. Good luck!

[everhope]

Lost,

Reading your thread has given me so much more insight into my WAW.

The other WAW's on this thread have given me good advice but your thread almost seems to mirror my wife.

I've got a thread going if you have the time to read it.

I want to give W help and support but the M sitch is causing me massive anxiety (so bad i can't function) so i'm distancing myself from W. Not spoken for 8 days now which is the longest in 11 years.

Can't give you any better advice than that already given except to say thankyou for sharing

[AZdoc68]

Lost:

(BTW, that post from alexjames was spectacular and accurate).

It is natural, but unhealthy, to retreat behind your "defensive wall" of fear (its only temporary), resentment (I'm too hurt), emotional closure (I can't give him any credit-he's only doing this stuff to get what he wants), indecisiveness (i'm not sure), denial (its all/mostly his fault), victimhood (he made me this way), moral rationalization (he didn't live up to end fully so I'm justified in being with OM, God wants me to be happy), and naivete (the OM is so much better for me).

You deserve a great deal of credit for starting to realize and accept some of the above. The only one who can tear down YOUR wall is YOU! You must do it...even it you don't feel like it and even if it doesn't feel good or safe to do so. ACTIONS PRECEDE FEELINGS and your good feelings can only return if YOU TAKE ACTION.

Praying for you that you have the wisdom to not follow the easy and tempting path...most who do end up regretting it years later after enduring and causing much unnecessary anguish.