Taking a break and some time for YOURSELF is not only a good thing, it's a must! I'm not sure where in world you're at, but can you go for a long walk somewhere where there's not many people around? I always find hiking in the mountains gives me time to think about where I've been and where I want to go.
Things are going good with me, thanks for asking. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
Lost~ I am just catching up to your sitch, sorry stepped away from the boards for a while!! anyway, welcome...you will find awesome support and make some great friends here. I know I could not have made it through the past year without the people around here!!
anywho, on to business!! I walked out a year and a half ago..about 5 months later had a come to Jesus moment, realized what horrible decision I had made, tried to talking to the H about, and well...he's not really on board with the whole working it out thing...so long story short...here i am. And it's an ok place to be. I have learned more about myself in the past year than I thought possible. I have grown spiritually, mentally, and in my relationships with friends and family. I have learned tremendous things about myself that I never would have learned had it not been for this experience. don't get me wrong, if I could take the decision to walk out back...I would do it in a heart beat...and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to work things out with my H. But, I needed to grow and learn, and experience some life lessons on my own....and believe me girl...I'm learning some good ones!! Case in point...had to clean out gutters full of slimy tree poop...YUCK!! This is the first time I have ever been on my own...went straight from living with my Dad, to living with my H...so I think/feel...I needed to learn some serious life lessons!!
I guess what I am trying to explain is...what you are feeling, we (WAW) have probably all felt...am I making the right choice, should I really be doing this, am I going to regret my decision. Time, it really is on your side. Patience, it's the hardest thing to learn/get accustom to...but patience and time...they really are your friend. No decision has to be made until you are ready, and your H is ready. Even if papers are filed...nothing happens over night. Take your time and do what feels right.
If you're really bored and need reading material...check out my sitch. My D, is on hold and has been for over a year. I still have hope. I have my days, where I want to give up and call my H and say no more, i fold. But then something inside of me says no, you have come to far. at this point if he wants the D, he has an atty on retainer...he can call the shot!!
take care of yourself...it's the most important thing to do in all of this.
big hugs christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Thanks for responding, Christa! You're right - I have already gained such incredible insight from a number of people on all sides of the fence that it's a little overwhelming and extremely helpful at the same time.
I can't wait for the moment when I am as convinced about what I want to do as you are! I guess the big difference between our two situations is that there is now OM involved in the picture. I know that I have to make up my mind (is it going to be H, OM, or just me?) and until then, neither H nor I are putting forth 100% effort into reconciliation. The good news is that we are still communicating very well (better than during M, even), still know that we love each other, and that for now we both see that there is a chance...
It's good to know that I am not alone in what I am feeling. When you're in this situation, you can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with you, why you can't just be happy with what is by other people's standards a pretty good marriage, and what is so stinking hard about making a decision. About the patience - I'm really trying to have that and I'm really trying to get H to have that too, but it's hard when there is so much at stake. And then again, that is the thought that I cling to when I start getting impatient - that there is so much at stake and I don't want to rush into anything and do the wrong thing in the process.
Like you, I went straight from living with my parents to basically being married. This is the first time in my adult life I've been on my own, and strangely it feels good to me. Also like you, I have had to learn to do things on my own that I didn't know I could do. It's also been refreshing to get out there and make new friends on my own instead of clinging to H's shirttails and taking his friends secondhand.
I hope for your sake that things continue to move forward with you and your H. Just bear in mind that essentially he is going through emotionally what you were going through after you walked away... scary thought, isn't it, because you and I both know how messed up that can make a person! Best of luck to you!
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
hey lost~ this is such a hard place to be. my h has multiple OW...he's livn total bachelor life. it's crazy insanity. for a while he was ready to work on things, now i don't know what he is thinking??
you are in a tough spot as well. having OM in picture probably makes this decision extremely tough on you.
You and I have similar sitch's going on. i don't know how you felt when you walked, but i just felt so overwhelmed, so emotionally trapped. I just needed time, and space, and I didn't even know who i was anymore. The one thing I have learned in this time by myself, is who I am. and I kinda like me!! I was such a bitter angry person towards the last part of my days living with my H....I call my self the mean angry monster. I'm just glad that part of me is gone.
keep your chin up christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
I know exactly what you're saying about how you felt when you walked. I felt like I was suffocating, like I had been living this life and being someone I really wasn't. I had spent so long trying to be the perfect wife and supporter, suppressing all the things that I wanted to do and emotions that I felt, that somewhere along the way I completely forgot that I used to be a rather feisty and determined woman! In the short time that I have been on my own, I have felt some of that old "pre-R" me return and it's like I want to open my arms and say "Welcome back!" Yeah, you're right - I forgot how much I liked who I used to be and I guess that's a big part of why I am not ready to return home. I want to make sure that I get all of me back before I am ready to commit to anything because I don't want to lose me again so soon!
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Hi Lost, Its admirable to see another WAW battling it out here. Unless I'm mistaken your coming here shows you really want to save your M. From my own perspective as an LBS, if you have any hope of that big invisible wall coming down, then your filing that D makes it very very difficult. Your H did contribute to your building that wall. What is most likely to happen now if you don't put a lid on the D process and get rid of OM very quickly is that your H will be compelled to hire an L to defend him and then ANY hope of saving things goes down to zero. Could you save your marriage and still be a determined, feisty woman with your time and space? You can if your really set your mind to it and with some help! Yes, you felt hurt/trapped for years and H was none the wiser and so you got to this state. But hurting back will not make it right. I suggest reading Smartcookie's sitch in detail and getting her advice - she's a tough cookie as well. There are a few others as well. Sorry if I'm being hard on you and I'm sure I don't understand a lot of the pain you are going through. But there's plenty of help here.
I know exactly what you're saying about how you felt when you walked. I felt like I was suffocating, like I had been living this life and being someone I really wasn't. I had spent so long trying to be the perfect wife and supporter, suppressing all the things that I wanted to do and emotions that I felt, that somewhere along the way I completely forgot that I used to be a rather feisty and determined woman! In the short time that I have been on my own, I have felt some of that old "pre-R" me return and it's like I want to open my arms and say "Welcome back!" Yeah, you're right - I forgot how much I liked who I used to be and I guess that's a big part of why I am not ready to return home. I want to make sure that I get all of me back before I am ready to commit to anything because I don't want to lose me again so soon!
I relate so much to this. I felt like I had lost all of me & that there wasn't even room in the relationship for me to be me. H had this idea of me as his "perfect woman" so when I would say or do something contrary, he just didn't recognize it at all. Like I didn't exist.
I'm happy to say, that with each week at MC, more of me exists all the time. It's a good feeling. If that makes sense.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
What is most likely to happen now if you don't put a lid on the D process and get rid of OM very quickly is that your H will be compelled to hire an L to defend him and then ANY hope of saving things goes down to zero.
Fb2,
I agree with you that filing D hinders things greatly, but it doesn't whittle the odds down to zero. My W has filed and, yes, it throws a big wrench into things BUT it's only paper. Honestly, we see people get re-married (to each other) all the time. I just had lunch with a guy who is now dating his ex. Stats say that a whopping 14% of divorced couples re-marry each other(that's from two different sources). That's a lot of couples. But do I think some spouses should rescind their D papers? Yep. I firmly believe that anyone can really change...with time and patience, so why rush things, IMO.
Hey Lost and Christa! Saw the W yesterday. I told her:
"No one has ever fought for you. I get people telling me to go get women, to move on...I am not THERE. I will NOT turn my back on you. I don't care what you say. People think I'm crazy. I DON'T care what they think. I am your best friend! I am your (name)! It is in my heart. I couldn't turn my back on you if I wanted to!"
Man it felt good!! I got so tired of being "supportive". She and I teared up. We hugged and she held-on tight for a change. We didn't say much after that, but she sure looked glad and happy afterward. Whew! I blew her a kiss when I drove away and she waved happily. She might bungee on me later, but maybe not.
I don't think she is lifting the D, but she sure is thinking now...I hope.
Last edited by Flipper; 07/03/0809:12 PM.
Me: 46 Second Marriage WAW: 38 First Marriage Separated: Dec. 2007 W Filed for D: Feb. 2008 For more hope, click: http://rejoiceministries.org/
My W has filed and, yes, it throws a big wrench into things BUT it's only paper. Honestly, we see people get re-married (to each other) all the time.
Maybe it's mostly paper in your case, since there are 0 kids, maybe not much $ down the tubes, more hope for an R, etc. But just really get a sense of the pain and suffering here and then tell me if its just paper. Could you point us to the "whopping 14%" statistics?
First of all, thank you so much to the WAWs in this forum who have been courageous enough to tell their stories and give the LBHs insight into the mysteries of a WAWs mindset and thought processes (believe me, we are utterly baffled, confused, hurt, and are hungry for answers to sooooo many questions).
My WAW (now xW) spoke of hope/hopelessness quite a bit as well as "seeing if I can give myself back to you" and "getting IT back". The WAW often says "ILYBINILWY" and she did so to me and in front of our MC in an attempt to explain herself. He asked her confusedly "what do you mean?" and she sheepishly replied "the passion, you know, the devotion, the longing..." I know NOW what this all means after doing much reading on relationships. What the WAW has lost (and is distressed over losing) is her ATTRACTION (in a global, not merely physical sense) towards him. That is what "falling in/out of love" really is--simply the good FEELING of becoming more attracted to someone or conversely the emptiness of seeing those warm feelings fade away. Attraction is a feeling and is separate from LOVE which is characterized by actions done selflessly for another. It strikes me that most/all WAWs have lost most/all of their ATTRACTION feelings and despair over how to get them back (or, if it is even possible at all).
Most of the time, they futilely wait and just hope they will magically return and, if they do not, take it as a final sign that D is the only logical option. Problem is, ACTIONS precede FEELINGS and the surest and ONLY way to rekindle feelings is by spending time together treating each other lovingly and with forgiveness ("love keeps no score of wrongs"...remember?). My WAW was told this many, many times by me and others (MC, in seminars, in books, etc.) and completely refused to believe it thus remaining completely closed off. [think of when you first met and fell in love--you didn't develop feelings out of the blue, they were generated and nutured via time together, sharing, and loving actions] I believe most WAWs are stuck on the horns of this dilemma--they want to FEEL something before DOING something, but the only way to FEEL better is by DOING better TOGETHER. Michelle, Gary Chapman, and many others talk about this...it requires an act of WILL to get and keep the ball rolling and both parties have to make changes in themselves for it to be effective.
SC, you mentioned something that caught my eye: "I suppose I had a sliver of hope all that time". What does that mean (a sliver of hope)? What were/are you hoping for?
Best of luck to you!