I have posted a couple times in various places, but should just start from the beginning. Any words of advice from you wise DBers would be so appreciated. He is in his early/mid 30s, I am in my late 20s, but all this makes me feel about 30 years older. No kids.
I am experiencing the roller coaster of what I believe to be my husband's early-onset mid-life crisis, or at least a very long, deep depression. We've only been married a year, whereas this seems to happen to most people after like 10 years or so of marriage, whcih makes me think maybe there just is no hope for our marriage. 9 months ago I got the ILY but not in you with you- maybe I'm not cut out for marriage bomb; 6 months ago got "we have no connection" and "I've never been happy in this marriage" 3 months ago, he decided that he could cure his misery by quitting his job that he hates to become a stripper so that he could save up money and open a gym in Mexico. I responded by freaking out, hopping on a plane and spending 3 days with my parents, because I was afraid of communicating with him. Didn't eat for about 4 days, then he almost didn't come one night until I called him and begged him. Meanwhile, family and friends were encouraging me to leave. Needless to say this comes along with all the other classic symptoms like fear of aging, compulsive gym-going, and acute depression. He refuses when I suggest that he counter his depression by seeking the care of a medical professional, or that we seek therapy together. But at the same time he complains he can't share his problems with anyone because their lack of objectivity. Sometimes I feel we have no connection, and other times I think he's happy, and then he proves me wrong by coming home the next day and saying he's more miserable than ever and is unhappy wherever he is. That happened today. Called me at work and asked to have lunch- could tell he was depressed, and finally it came out. I feel like he wants to leave me SO badly, but is just barely holding it in, knowing what it will do to me. I try to act "as if", but I can only hold so much in. I told him that my issues with him being a stripper or moving to Mexico should not stop him from doing those things, if he is going to be miserable like this all the time otherwise- what is the point? We're together and we're still unhappy. I felt like that was letting go of a boundary, but I felt desperate to make him happy and to keep him. I have read Divorce Busting, Love Must Be Tough, and Boundaries and Marriage and tried to apply everything I learned, but at the end of the day, I still have a husband who is depressed, isn't interested in me, and my heart is burning for him. I have faced the possibility of living without him and decided that if he leaves, I will find a way to go on, but I will not make the decision for him. I love my husband SO MUCH. It kills me to see him depressed. I try not to hold myself responsible for his feelings, but it's equally as hard to feel totally powerless. I don't know if either of us can take much more. I think my heart has become strong and hard from scar tissue, but then he goes and rips it open again. I fear him up and leaving, I fear him having an affair, I fear him hurting me emotionally. He has a very mean side and can be emotionally and verbally abusive, and I am not good at sticking up for myself with him, even though I don't take crap from anyone else in my life. I don't know what to do anymore. Every tunnel is cheeseless. I feel like there's nothing I can do and in some way maybe he's determined to make this relationship fail. I have grown up, learned a lot, been the bigger person a zillion times, but what has it gotten me? More and more heartache. I am so afraid.
yup, sounds like big time depression to me, him trying to cure it with the crazy plan he's hatched up. Detach from his emotional rollercoaster by not believing everything he says, by not trying to "save him", he doen'st want to seek med. help (and he badly needs it). Of course it is hard to just stand there while the man you loved is going nuts, but sadly, it had to run its course, the MLC madness.If you've grown up and been the bigger person this course of action will let you know that your life goes on, that his behavior is his responsibility only, not yours. Sometimes we have to see a love one fall flat on his face and watch them pick themselves up, only then will they learn. He's trying to cure himself with the wrong things, and only he can decide when he needs help, specially for a man that is hard to admit, and you can only pray and hope he gets to this conclusion sooner rather than later.
Do seek individual C, you need support and someone to talk to IRL.
You can't save a man from himself, be a listening ear, to my detriment I tried to fix and save my H, it never worked, he didnt' have his heart on it, he did seek C, but sometimes meds are the answer. If he is emotionally abuse you need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live, if things were to work he can't be treating you like that.
I recommend you read "talking to depression" to see how he is feeling and the dos and don'ts of dealing with depressed loved one. Take care of yourself and pray to God, this battle isnt' yours.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
thank you, Cat. I will definitely try to get a hold of that book. And thank you for affirming that the battle isn't mine, even though I am in the midst of it.
