Does a WAW want you to fight for them?

[cz946]

I guess this question is for those WAW's out there. Do you want your H to fight for you? Do you walk away just show your H what they lost hoping they will see and fight to get you back? Are there sign I should be looking for from my WAW?

[AnonymousJane73]

When a wife gets to the point that she feels she must walk away, they pretty much are done. They've already tried and tried and tried to get their points a crossed, their feelings heard, and/or things to change. Typically, a WAW at this conjuncture, wants to move forward.

But I've learned that it doesn't mean that they won't listen. If the message gets sent loud and clear with true sincerity and they see actual positive change occur, they either will fight it more, (things sometimes get worse before they get better, ride the storm) resist the change, before they will accept it and more forward. At this point you have to remember that most are just so tired that any change, in their view, is not possible.

It's not to say that you shouldn't try, but the ultimate goal is you have to look deep inside yourself and figure out what you are responsible for, take accountability for that, and make a true change... not just to win her over. If she had cause to leave, then you have to ask yourself... why? You have to be honest with yourself.

Typically, I don't think that most WAW's are looking to be chased. I'm sure some may, but from most of what I've learned here, most don't. They already are spent.

I feel that I am not a typical WAW, I think of myself in between a WAW, LBS and possibly dealing with a midlifer... I did what I needed to do to make a strong stand and draw a line on boundaries to some very bad behavior that I do not feel is necessary.

[EnergyAZ]

I agree with Jane. My W seemed...well, irratated with my efforts and frequently claimed I was in denial about what was happening. I would just tell her I was sorry she felt that way, but that wasnt going to stop me from trying to improve myself and enjoying whatever time we had left together.

Over time, this stance of hers softened & now that we appear to officially be in the 'piecing' phase...she seems to be very appreciative of all my efforts that ultimately helped bring things back together.

But like Jane said, she was done & wanting to move forward without me and quite firm about it. It was very tough to overcome that, and I frequently felt I never would.

[EnergyAZ]

I agree with Jane. My W seemed...well, irratated with my efforts and frequently claimed I was in denial about what was happening. I would just tell her I was sorry she felt that way, but that wasnt going to stop me from trying to improve myself and enjoying whatever time we had left together.

Over time, this stance of hers softened & now that we appear to officially be in the 'piecing' phase...she seems to be very appreciative of all my efforts that ultimately helped bring things back together.

But like Jane said, she was done & wanting to move forward without me and quite firm about it. It was very tough to overcome that, and I frequently felt I never would.

[cz946]

Well we went to dinner last night. We had to meet to sort the new pictures of our daughter. Dinner was nice, I made sure to act happy and really listen.

We had small talk and then she brought up our R. I sent her flowers to her work the day before, with a get well card. She went to the ER 2 days before because of a kidney stone. Card just said, "I hope you feel better soon, Always #$#%&^*"

She ask me to not do that anymore, and also ask me not to call her "babe" or "sweety" on the phone anymore.

She said that if I can't move on, then she will not be able to move on. And she said if I continue down this path of hope, that maybe we should meet for dinner anymore.

I just told her I sent the flowers because I wanted to, I said in the past I would not have, but in the past I just assumed you knew I was thinking and cared about you. I was wrong to assume that, and I will know longer assume anything. I will let my actions speak for me.

Maybe I am reading in to her comments above to much. She has told me that I have ignored her for the past several years. Now it seems she wants me to just move on to sort of confirm her assumptions that I abandoned her. I am not willing to do this.

Any thoughts!

By the way, we never did sort the pictures. She forgot to bring scissors to cut them.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I agree with Jane on the point that when I walked away I was done. At that point I had lost all hope that my M could be saved or that my H would ever go to therapy. I didn't want my M to fail but I felt I had no other option.

I can say that I wanted my H to stop persuing and stop pressuring me. He broke all the DB rules and it pushed me away. You can not convince her this way. This isn't abandoning her. Show interest in her as a friend not as a H. You are in stage 1. At this stage the goal is to reduce negative emotions. She is still resentful of you at this time.

You need to stop all R talks, saying ILY, calling her babe, persuing and pressuring etc. Show her change (i.e. 180) and work on yourself both in terms of the personal change and making yourself happy. All the best.

[cz946]

This Saturday is w Birthday. Several of our friends are all going to dinner and bars afterwards. She told me she did not mind if I went and copied me on the email to friends. I am planning to go. I am going to have a good time and act really happy. Besides I made a movie of her pictures with family and friends and want to give it to her when our friends are there to watch as well.

We have talked several times through email and a few times on the phone the last few days. Getting along really good. So I sent her a txt last night, "Going to the bar for a beer if your interested." Haven't heard a thing since.

I think she brings me in to a certain point and then pushes back. I guess it does give me false hope, maybe she is trying to avoid that. I am trying to show her that I have learned so much over the last several months and that I can be the person she needs me to be.

Am I to pushy, How should I handle the Bday dinner and time at the bar?

She tells me this is the hardest decision she has ever made and is the best for her. She needs to find herself. She says she is a much stronger person now and could not have left me a year ago. She tells me to stop searching for and excuse, it just happened and we are both to blame. But on the other hand, she tells me she is depressed and crys every night. She shows very little emotion around me. I just want to tell her lets give another shot, we can make it work. Her response is its to late, and I fell out of love with you.

[AnonymousJane73]

You have to remember that she's numb right now, so that is why there's no emotion in YOUR presence. But the depression and crying is all very natural.

I'm not a crier, in public. But in private, I have been through the wringer, and that is very uncommon for me. Even alone, I often can pull myself up, stop pitying myself, and carry on. But you know when something is truly gut wrenching when you can't control your emotions. She's probably very confused, so you HAVE to give her time to heal.

Don't push her, just let her take the pace. Don't talk about the relationship, that will just push her further away. Instead, you have to SHOW her true sincere actions. It sounds like she is comfortable enough to convey to you her inner feelings, by talking of her depression and crying, and that is good. Sounds like she is testing the waters to see how receptive you are in validating her feelings. But you have to remember that she's locked down her emotional side so she doesn't get hurt. When we talk about our most inner deep issues, that's showing vulnerability, but if we don't feel safe to express our true vulnerability, we'll suppress those emotions. It takes time.

You have to take the relationship out of the picture, and focus on being her friend at this moment. That's all you can do right now. Don't push her. Just support her.

[lost3031]

cz946, since you replied to one of my posts, I thought I'd return the favor! I can't say for sure what your wife would prefer in regards to you fighting for her, but in reading your posts, she reminds me so much of me right now that it's scary! The bottom line is, we WAW's are emotional basketcases who pretty much don't know top from bottom on most days. I sometimes feel like I am literally walking around in a fog most of the time. Sometimes I am so relieved to be on my own, and other times I will start crying for no apparent reason at all. Sometimes I want so badly to go home and start over, and sometimes I just know I've made the right choice in leaving. What I have really wanted from my husband is the right combination of space and time spent together. I never turned him down the two times he invited me to dinner, even though he has turned me down on numerous occasions when I wanted to do something with him. I would recommend letting her set the pace - I know it's maddening and it seems incredibly unfair, but in my situation, where it's felt like I have been out of control forever, that little bit of control somehow makes me feel a little more worthy.

As far as her pulling back after getting a little closer, I also find myself doing that. Even though I love spending time with my husband, it oftentimes confuses me more because I'm the one who left. I shouldn't want to be with him and yet I do. I don't want him to get the idea that I'm coming back home when I don't know yet if I am, so I pull away to prevent him from getting his hopes up too high. As women, we generally tend to put other people's needs and feelings ahead of our own - this is why being a WAW is so confusing for us. For probably the first time in my life, I'm doing something that is selfish and entirely for me (or so I think) and it goes against everything in my nature to be this way. The truth is, we don't like hurting our husbands because we do still love them, and even though we're not sure we believe things will change, we're not sure if we are ready to let go of that love yet either...

[jandn]

Does anyone in this thread have OM/OW in picture. Dont know if my W has OM, but that changes feelings a lot I would think on the WAS and thier thinking/intentions. Seems when they find somebody else, there is nothing the LBS can possibly do but sit around and wait but it might always be too late.

Wish I knew all the answers in my sitch and how to pursue my W and make things better.