Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[cw68]

Last one locked up: Maybe Last Thread in Separting, Found DB 2 Late

Sara, I totally get what you're saying and it sunk in a different way than anything yet.

It wasn't the breakup song. H and I met at our S5's tball game tonight. He was disappointed to hear that the song was actually about a trip Roger Water's took to the doctor. He thought it was about a man who had lost his way.

Then after we parted and I was putting the kids to bed, H calls. He starts the conversation with, "I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I'm reaching out to you as a friend" and asks where he should take the seven work associates who are visiting from all over out to dinner. I asked him why he shouldn't be doing this and he responded that he knows he's supposed to do this himself.

Lastly, D's bday is Saturday. H was talking about making a big, fun breakfast for her the morning of her bday. I jokingly said, "Have it at 6am and I'll stop by on my way to work for a bite." Then H said that he wanted to do it at the house because he doesn't have all the kitchen stuff needed. I'm not that comfortable with this. I go to work at 8am and really don't want him hanging out at the house. At the same time, it would be nice for my D to have us all together the morning of her bday. We sill be spending the day together. Do I draw my boundary line or let my 7-year old start her bday together?

I'm fading into the woodwork...

[Sara]

Hooray, someone who knows the correct spelling of separated! Now we just need to work on losing! (English majors have to get their kicks somehow.)

Do what you are comfortable with. He moved out of the house. Seems reasonable to me to say that no, you are not comfortable with him having a party for the kids when you are not there. The actual day of a birthday party is not as important as when people who are important to the birthday celebrant are available. The party should be at a time and place where you, as her mother, can be present. You are not divorced yet. Don't take a backseat to being part of your kids life, no matter whose "weekend" it is. And remember, he abused you on mother's day. He needs to show you he can be nice now.

[cw68]

No, it's not the party, just breakfast. But my H is big into celebratory breakfasts. He wanted it to be a breakfast for all of us. I think he should have a breakfast for all of us at his place, not mine.

We will all be together, with D's friends, for the party. I only work from 8-10am that day and the party's at 12pm. H was planning on coming by after I got off work to bring over his part of the party planning and put it all in one car. We will have to ride in separate cars, however, as I am picking up a couple of kids and need the seats.

(btw, I started college as an English major.)

[Virtually_Handsome]

Tough call!

I would be tempted to let him do it (since you'll get to eat, especially), but I am a softy for the kids on birthdays!

[Sara]

Yeah, if he's being nice, and it will be early enough for you to join in, and he will clean up. I'd let him do it. Shows he misses the house.

[cw68]

After thinking about it, I'm going to pass on the breakfast here. I think it does show that he misses the house, so I going to make him miss it AND see the alternative at the same time. I'll be extra nice and will bring coffee and pastries with me since I think they'll just be waking up at this point anyway.

I'm a softie with the kids, too, so I have to see my D on her birthday morning. Then they can all come before the party. I think I'll stock up one of D's favorite foods so they can have dinner at the house if it works out Saturday. Then I'm also only alone Sunday/Monday.

[Virtually_Handsome]

That sounds like a reasonable compromise plan!

Good thinking!

[Sara]

yes, that all sounds nice. Have a big bowl of your fresh picked cherries. MMMM that sounds delicious

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like you've got it all figured out!

Hang in there.

[cw68]

Journaling:

Damn, this is hard. So hard. I'm so angry right now. I have to send my kids off to their Dad's. It's NOT FAIR! Why should I be deprived of my kids when HE'S the one who's choosing this? Then that just starts the how unfair this whole thing is. I'm going to lose my house on top of everything that makes a home. I'm the stupid one who didn't have this hotshot career and chose to stay home with the kids to help them and help H climb the ladder and I'M the one who's going to get the shaft, emotionally and financially.

Had D6's end-of-year review today. This is the first time she's ever gone backwards in things and she went backwards in almost everything. Yes, she still did well for the year, but in February things started slipping. I brought this to H's attention and he didn't seem all that concerned. "I'll try to have more open dialog with her. We'll have to be more cognizant of what's going on." I started to say something and then stopped. H said, "I can read between the lines, CW68, you think I'm f-ing up their lives." I didn't say a word for a few minutes and then went over to him to say, "No, WE are f-ing up their lives. It takes two." I'm the crappy wife who couldn't satisfy her husband and made him want to leave. I take responsibility for this, too. But I'm the one who wants to fix it and not hurt my kids and not him. He then said, "Well, we are just going to have to try to minimize the fallout to them." So, there you have it. I think I got my answer to whether or not I need to file.

I have an appointment on Tuesday to file for divorce. I'm not telling him because I don't want him to be under the gun, but if he doesn't answer my by then (eight days after ultimatum of I'm filing or you agree to MC or Retro), I'm filing. My emotions tell me I must, though my parents tell me to drag this situation out as long as possible because it's in my financial best interest to do so. He's still paying all the bills and the kids get to stay in their home. The longer I'm in the house, the better chance of actually not losing all our equity in the home as the real estate market has been picking up a bit here. And they don't have to go into childcare while I find a job. I'm not personally that worried about the actual working part, but I worry about them having to go into childcare for the first time ever in the midst of what's going on and I worry about my ability to support myself.

I HATE THIS!