Well I am no expert as I am new to this board .... and my friends range from HD to ND....
~SO.... Personally I have been thinking about this for the past few hours. I went on a walk and the day is beautiful here and I just kept going over this one thought in my head.
SEX within a Marriage and why you will or you wont is just such a complex issue. Can you make generalizations ... sure I bet we all can but each person is such a complex web of issues and their story is who they are sexually in my opinion.
Me? I have had some issues and when I was younger *19 and married to my ex husband. * another long complex story* I did see a Sex Therapist... she was awesome but when she told me I would have to be on meds for the rest of my life. I got a Divorce instead. It freed who I was sexually.
* when I was 25!
.......so I tried for 6 more years.... * I am no quitter either....
He MY EX H .....made dirty sex feel just that dirty.
Definitely NOT dirty in a hot way... I.E......When you are sweating and never smoked a Cigarette in your life but after that ML you suddenly want one!~ I honestly never had an orgasm with him for @10 years it was h*ll on Earth......... I also did live under that Good Catholic Girls dont F*ck rule and Wives for sure they never F*ck or get dirty or kinky or just sensual for that matter. You ever hear Women over coffee talk brag about how they F*cked the sh*t out of their H last nite....
I never have ... and IMHO its b/c *GASP* what would Sue , Mary or Jane say about me if I said that.
This issue is so complex....... I wish others would jump in and give him more input.
I myself never knew how vital sex was to my H well being..... I never knew Sex had that much power...... I am still learning....
Actually...a woman who has no sex drive CAN turn that around. it's very uncommon for someone to truly be asexual. Very often it is a hormonal imbalance, or psychological issues (such as believing it's dirty).
The thing is...he's going to have to get her to understand what an important issue this is in this marriage. He's likely to have to figure out if living this way with her indefinitely is a deal breaker. If it is, then he needs to communicate that to her. For me I had to tell my husband, "I love you but I cannot continue to live this way...if we don't seek professional help...we will not have another anniversary."
It's not fun to have to take a firm stance like that, but it's often necessary to shake the person into reality, realizing how important this is to you and your marriage.
It's not fun to have to take a firm stance like that, but it's often necessary to shake the person into reality, realizing how important this is to you and your marriage. _________________________
This is what lead to my H saying it was over..... and me finding this site a slowly rebuilding my M..... he told me it was too painful to stay Married to me..... and now 2 years later I am still working out our sexual Issues.... Snails probably move faster...
I honestly thought it was just a release for him. I cannot state enough how vital this is to a marriage. That is why I am posting here as well and wish there were more posters to learn from and get different points of view and insight.
I am sure you can find Happiness it is just going to take a lot of hard work. God bless....
I was once in your position (no pun intended)in my previous marriage. I was the wife who didn't want sex, never wanted it, never desired it. Now, in my current marriage...I am married to a man who is the same way, and we are now slowly working towards better things.
Anyone going into this though I will tell...it IS a slow process. There are no quick fixes, no magic buttons. It's going to take time, patience, perseverence, boundaries, and consequences...and tons of introspection. It's really hard to take a tough stance in your marriage, it's tough to draw that boundary...but it can be done lovingly.
Thanks Gel.... I know it will take time but somedays I feel like I am standing still. I will post more in my own thread. Thank you for your response... it really made my day! God bless....
and welcome to the Divorce Busting forum. While you are likely to hear some very sad stories here, and cries of "Get out while you still can, youngster!", there are some success/recovery stories here also. For example, Alimari is in the process of repairing her SSM with her husband, while I am in the process of recovering my own SSM from near-divorce.
I, for one, will not tell you that you should cut-and-run, but will state my belief that every marriage is worth the effort to save. My wife will tell you that "marriage is the hardest thing she has ever done," and I will agree with her. But she and I will also tell you that it is well worth the effort required to make it work. Too many couples these days don't have the stamina and perseverance necessary to establish a strong marital relationship and keep it strong, especially since most of us make many mistakes along the way, and once your relationship starts to spiral downward, it's hard to reverse course.
You wrote:
Originally Posted By: CallMePotato
My wife and I have been married for just over a year, and together for two.....It [sex] has really been on the decline (it wasn't great before we got married, but at least it was like twice a week or so)....now, we're down to maybe once a month.
Just looking at your chronology, you've reached the first major road-block that all marriages must pass through: the end of the infatuation stage of the relationship and the beginning of the stability stage. Many folks have never experienced this before marriage, and don't realize that there is some definite brain-chemistry behind this shift. No more free and easy passion hormones, just lots of stability-inducing Oxycotin. There are plenty of articles on the web about this two-year-point phenomena, so I won't bore you with it. The point is that many newly-weds feel that they are falling "out of love," and losing their passion for each other at this stage in the relationship, and I wonder if this is what you are going through?
If this is the case, there is hope, of course. There are definite steps you can take to keep those passionate feelings (and hormones) alive and active in your marriage, BUT it takes lots of work and conscious effort: the lustful "free ride" is over.
The key to saving your marriage, as I've said before, is getting both partners on board and working on it. If sex is the main issue in your marriage right now, and your wife (and perhaps you) do not understand gender differences and how men and women approach sex very differently, then some education is very much in order. Gender differences alone were a major source of misunderstanding and conflict in my own marriage, and I would strongly advise you to NOT take the more than 20 years it took me to put the pieces together.
At any rate, keep talking to us, and know that you're supported here.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Alimari and Green, Good comments. I suppose the root question here, and the one potato needs to consider is to what degree and to what acceptable level their sex drives can be reconciled. It is a far shot from a 2-3 per day and 1 per month or less standard. That is an incrdible amount of ground to cover. That is probably about where my split is with my wife. Has anybody made up this much ground? The other thing, is the reflection a husband sees back from the wife on this. In his (my) perception, my wife thinks I am only sexy, attractive etc enough to want to bed me once a month or quarter. What a HUGE blow to the ego and self esteem of the husband. How can anybody NOT want to have sex? Do you really not enjoy an orgasm enough to want to put in 15 minutes worth of work? The only other conclusion is that the wife has to be rejecting something else about me...
I am getting a lot of good advice...I sincerely appreciate that. I am a little scared of completely abandoning our marriage...especially when I am still very much in love with my wife.
I have sat down and talked with my wife any times. Her answer to almost every question is "I don't know." She knows what the problems are....she is usually willing to acknowledge them. However, she doesn't actually put forth the effort to change anything...and she can't give me a reason why. I am so sick of hearing her say, "I don't know."
I don't want to just cut and run. Not unless there is no other alternative. I really want to know what I should say to her, how I should talk to her. Obviously, the way I have been doing it isn't working...otherwise, something would have changed. What can I do differently?
Potato, You need to make her understand that this is a life and death, or staying or leaving issue for you. "I don't know" doesn't cut it. That is the answer a six year old gives. If you think that you can not live with a woman in her condition who is UNWILLING to do anything about it, then you need to tell her the issue is serious enough that you WILL leave over it. IF you are not willing to take a walk, then I doubt she will ever have the motivation to change. You can not make her change, but you can surely provide some good reasons to. Do not bluff! Again, you are not talking about having it fixed overnight, but she has to make some motion, counseling etc. Again, what would you do if you found out she was having sex with the pool boy, mailman, and the UPS driver? In my mind, this is just as serious.
I am a little scared of completely abandoning our marriage...especially when I am still very much in love with my wife.
There is no need to abandon your M this can be turned around...... it will just take time. Are you willing to wait?
Noone can tell you what she is feeling... only you can help her to find that out if she is willing....
My H had an EA to supposedly figure out why I had lost interest and wasnt doing him like I used to... he told me he would talk to her for hours about me.... when he said that to me it seemed so ridiculous...
WHY? Because you cannot generalize a Woman... how could she know why I was hurting or why I wasnt as Passionate when she is not me? Why didnt he ask me? Why didnt he look at what he was doing to contribute to me acting like this? Instead he had affairs an EAs whenever he saw fit...that really did not help me in the I want to do you dept. Maybe your wife thinks good Wives simply do not have hot sex with their H.. maybe she is comfortable with it and until you let her know it makes you miserable and she really gets it it will stay this way......... I know plenty of Women who would rather read a book than have sex. ~Ali
* I am no quitter either....
I honestly never had an orgasm with him for @10 years it was h*ll on Earth.........
