I just want to say that this is my first time posting here. I've had a chance to look around and think my situation is maybe a little different from some of the other ones I have seen. Here's the deal:
My wife and I have been married for just over a year, and together for two. It's at this point that anyone I ask for help ignores me, saying, "You're newly weds. You can't possibly have any REAL issues. You just need to give it time." I hope I don't get the same response here. Anyway, I have a very high sex drive. Before my wife, I would prefer to have sex two or three times a day when in a relationship. My wife, on the other hand...almost no drive. I can't understand why...no history of sexual abuse, we're both young (she's 26, I'm 25), she's healthy, and I have always bent over backwards to take care of her and provide her with anything she wants/needs.
I had a bad feeling that she was setting a precedent for something when she was "too tired" to have sex on our wedding night...that's consistently been her excuse not to have sex. It has really been on the decline (it wasn't great before we got married, but at least it was like twice a week or so)....now, we're down to maybe once a month. I think the only reason we had sex this month was because it was my birthday, and she didn't get me a gift. When we do have sex, she NEVER initiates it, and wants to do as little as possible....she won't get on top, she won't perform oral sex on me, we don't do any, erm, alternate activities anymore...it's just missionary position now, and if I take longer than 5 minutes (which is almost always), she's hurrying me along.
Now I'm not a bad lover. I've had many partners, and they have all said I'm very good. I am attentive. I am caring. I make sure that my partner orgasms before I do. Hell, I even WANT to cuddle afterwards. But when someone doesn't want to have sex with you and hurries you along when you do, it really is a blow to your ego.
She also demands that I not view porn. She claims it is degrading and that it makes her self-conscious. She took some pictures of herself naked, and insists I use those for any self gratification. In her head, I think she believes that that will serve as a substitute for sex.
We've talked about it, fought about it, you name it. I ask her why...her answer is always, "I don't know." In fact, that is her response to pretty much anything whenever we're having a fight. And EVERYTHING is about her in our relationship...we have to eat what she wants, watch what she wants, do what she wants, at all times. If I want to watch something and she isn't in the mood for it at the moment, she'll get up and leave....but I'm not allowed to do the same thing. I am a giving person, but I can't help but feel she is taking advantage of that and feeding her selfishness.
I could really use some advice. I'm at my wits end. I am so sexually frustrated that I find myself tempted to go outside our marriage, something I never believed I would even be capable of thinking about. I can't just divorce her...I have threatened to leave a couple of times, and both times she attempted suicide (I think more to just keep me from leaving than actual depression). Anything...anyone?
She sounds like a real Princess. If there are no kids involved, I suggest you seriously consider cutting your losses early.
What is it about her that you're attracted to?
I'm an HD myself, with an LD/ND wife. We recently went three years without ML, and only 2x in five years. If I knew then what I know know, I never would have married her.
GET OUT NOW!!! You can check out my situation by looking at my threads. I am in your situation after another 13 years and kids to complicate. Make sure she is not with child and leave! In my opinion an extremely LD/ND wife is non recoverable. I don't (didn't) believe in divorce, but I have to say that a wife who will not hold up this end of the marriage is not worth being married to!
The sad thing is, there really are a lot of things to like in our marriage. We share a lot of similar interests...it's so hard to find a woman my age who likes science fiction and video games. LOL. She is really funny, and tolerates my silliness. I am very attracted to her, physically. We have very similar views on most things, and it seems like 9 times out of 10, both of us can tell exactly what the other is thinking.
But once we got married, things changed. The amount of sex we had started decreasing VERY rapidly. She became more demanding of things to be her way and less tolerant of what I wanted to do. Hell, I think it says a lot about her that on my birthday, rather than ask what I wanted to do, she spent 4 hours playing Rock Band on the Xbox and wondered why I didn't want to just sit there and watch her.
You know, it's funny you call her a Princess....my MIL was telling me that that's how her dad always thought of her, before he died. He didn't want her to have to learn how to do anything like cook, clean, take care of a man, etc because she was his little princess.
I wish I could cut and run...but between her suicide attempts (she might actually carry it out if I left), my lack of a place to go, and threats from certain members of her family...I just really don't know that I could get out. But I hear you...if I had known that this is how things would be, I wouldn't have married her either, even though I very much love her.
I think a lot of relationship is affected by how we got together. She actually pursued my best friend first, knowing that I liked her...and only after he cheated on her and dumped her was she willing to see that me and her should be together. Maybe by allowing myself to be the rebound guy (even though it was 6 months later), I set a precedent for the way things will be.
GET OUT NOW!!! You can check out my situation by looking at my threads. I am in your situation after another 13 years and kids to complicate. Make sure she is not with child and leave! In my opinion an extremely LD/ND wife is non recoverable. I don't (didn't) believe in divorce, but I have to say that a wife who will not hold up this end of the marriage is not worth being married to!
You talk about it like it's easy. I wouldn't know how to go about it, where to go, etc. And if I still love her...how can I deal with causing her that much pain?
Potato, Here is the decision you must make, and this is just my opinion here. Do you want to be married to a woman for the rest of your life who does not wish to have sex with you? Notice I did not say who will not have sex with you. If you think about it, you probably understand the difference. It rips your guts out on a daily basis to be in love with and desperately attracted to a woman who regards you as a friend. Yes, she sounds like a fun companion, when she isn't igroring your birthday, but how much is that worth? The difference between a marriage and a friendship is a ring and sex. Sounds like she does not contribute much to the relationship in the way of household duties either. Now, you have a couple of other problems. If she is truly sucicidal, you have more reason to leave. Do you want this woman raising your kids? Staying because "she will kill herself" is just blackmail. If she has family members who are threatening you, call the cops, get a gun and learn how to use it. Chances are they know she has a screw loose and they want you to handle the problem. Either way, their threats are wrong and illeagal. Do not hesitate to use the law to protect yourself.
You talk about it like it's easy. I wouldn't know how to go about it, where to go, etc. And if I still love her...how can I deal with causing her that much pain? [/quote]
I am not saying it is easy or fun, just that it is critical. Look in the phone book, plenty of "family lawyers". I would also completely stop having sex with her. Do not run the risk of her becoming pregnant. That changes everything! You will either cause her this brief pain in response to her breaking a contract, and yes sex inside of the marriage is a contract, or you will die a slow horrible, painful death for the next thirty plus years. What food stops a woman from having sex? Wedding cake.
Believe it or not...your situation ISN'T that unusual. Come join the group over there and you'll see you aren't alone.
BUT...it sounds to me like she's ashamed of sex. Like she was raised to think of it as "dirty". She probably doesn't even masturbate herself, wouldn't think of it...because "good girls don't do that."
DON'T let anyone talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. It's easy for others to tell you to cut your losses and get out of the marriage. But if you love her, as I suspect you do since you married her...things like this CAN be turned around.
What food stops a woman from having sex? Wedding cake
You guys are f***ing hilarious...........
You seem wishy washy on the subject..... I tend to agree if you have no kids and she is acting like you are her best friend not someone who she just wants to plain F**K... at this early stage in the game .... ~WOW!
Who cares what everyone thinks it supposed to be your ideal or how "they" think it is supposed to be. Only you can decide that .... That is the problem with our American Society.... we are just supposed to follow the norm ... who the hell made that rule?
If the Jones down the road are only hitting the sheets every 3rd Wednesday of the month it should be ok for me to????? WRONG! What is ok for you may never be ok for someone else.....
Have you read SSM or Passionate Marriage yet? If you wants solutions and are ready to stay then start reading.... and keep posting.....
but I have to agree with if you are ready for years of heartache if Little Princess doesnt want to get her hands dirty .. that may be just what you will get. Noone but you can know the answer........ Right now it is in her hands...... Somehow you are going to have to take the advice these Men are giving you and take a real hard look at you sitch....... Noone can predict the future and only you know how much work you are ready to put in.......
and as far as whoever is threatening you? They do not have to live with her you do.... sure she is a whole h*ll of alot of fun .... it takes a lot more than that to sustain a Marriage ...... SEX is a very important part of staying together and actually enjoying that stay. Just my 2 cents..... Take Care and God Bless.....
EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWEDBelieve it or not...your situation ISN'T that unusual. Come join the group over there and you'll see you aren't alone.
BUT...it sounds to me like she's ashamed of sex. Like she was raised to think of it as "dirty". She probably doesn't even masturbate herself, wouldn't think of it...because "good girls don't do that."
DON'T let anyone talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. It's easy for others to tell you to cut your losses and get out of the marriage. But if you love her, as I suspect you do since you married her...things like this CAN be turned around.
Green may have some points here. Ultimately it is your decsion on what you do and you have to live with it. Read the SSM and see what it says to you and see if your wife is willing to read it. Does she acknowledge/ admit that there is an issue here? In my own experience, a very large difference in sex drives between husband and wife is almost impossible to overcome. In my mind it is nearly equal to getting married and finding out in short order that you are married to a serial cheater. This is going to sound wierd, but you may be lucky if your wife has some mental health issues. That may be at the root of her issues. Those can be fixed. If she is simply asexual, that can not (IMHO). I would like to hear what a woman says about that. It would be good to get a different perspective.
