Welcome to my thread. It is nice to know the problem is universal and I too don't think it is a bad stigma. However, my W is a different story. If she follows the advice of the medicated shampoos or the pharmacist, she'll do just fine.
It is funny how people think you must be filthy if you get lice or even have cockroaches. It simply isn't true. Pests like lice do love clean environments and you'd probably have less of a risk of getting them if you were dirtier. Cockroaches are just the same. Your house could be SPOTLESS and they'll still find their way in through a drain or something. They are truly disgusting beings. YUCK!
In any event, I really appreciate your postings and giving me some insight to my current dilemma. I hope I'll hear more from you two in the near future.
Hi RTL! WOW, yes, some baby steps! Its interesting on a few counts.. that you have noticed that she reaches out to you a little more when The Snake isnt about. Also, that she DID call you at 10pm when they were doing the nit comb thing and she found out she had them too, but she could have called OM ? But she called you. Next, I was interested to see that she cried so much she got a migraine. Ok, lice is horrible, but it still seemed like an over reaction on her part, kind of hysterical? Was she always like that or do you thikn she is in a stressed/bad place right now?
This was interesting too that you said... I got a playful text from W at 2:45 telling me D was currently in a bounce house at a party and had been in for 90 minutes. We joked back and forth, then she got serious and asked me if I was ok about my father's surgeries. Looks like she couldnt just come out and say she was sorry for you about your Dad and were you ok about it, she just started texting casually first. But clearly, she WAS thinking of you and whether you were ok or not, so thats a baby step too in terms of being less angry. Maybe you are starting to peep at Stage 2 just on the horizon??? Keep sailing towards it! You are doing such a fantastic job, being patient and steadfast and I am sure you are learning an awful lot about how to relinquish control in your R..
Ali x __________________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar a flicker of life?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
RTL, Sorry to hear about your Dad. I know any type of surgery sucks... From what I read though, you seem to be on the right track. Keep up the good work. I just hope the light goes on in my STBX's head/ She spent the last weekend trying to keep our son away again. She just does not get it. I do not know if she ever will...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I also think they are baby steps. It is interesting that both you and bizarre have caught on to the fact that W always runs to me when something is wrong. It is also interesting to note that her contact w/ me increases dramatically when OM isn't physically around. I'm wondering if she is in fact wanting to punish me instead of actually divorce me. It does seem that way at times. That is why I'm wondering if we will be one of those couples that divorces then gets back together.
As for her "dramatics," she has done this in the past, but I never took much stock into it before all of this happened. However, since she's told me she's unhappy and served me w/ D papers, I've been able to examine her actions fairly thoroughly in my therapy sessions. I'm beginning to now see patterns of her behavior that have been consistent w/ her wanting to be in control and have things her way. She has a history of needing to be the center of attention, so her over-reacting isn't much of a surprise. However, I'm now better able to deal w/ her and am working on affirming and listening instead of reacting and trying to save her.
I also think she was hesitant to ask me about my father, but she definitely was thinking about me and is concerned w/ how I'm dealing w/ my father's need for surgeries. That is also positive. These are baby steps, I think. However, I'm pretty sure we won't be in Stage 2 until the custody issue is settled.
She sent me an e-mail last night talking about the schedule for D once we return from Tahoe. D will need to have the medicated shampoo reapplied and W is offering to do it on Tuesday after Memorial Day. W wants to join us at D's doctor appointment on Tuesday morning and then said she has an "appointment" at 1:30 on Tuesday and will pick up D afterward. Her "appointment" is w/ her L as we're deposing her on Wednesday.
I'm going to let her have D and do the 2nd treatment b/c that is what she wants to do. I will ask her for the schedule after our deposition, but if I let her have her on Tuesday night, she'll take her to the daycare near W's apartment, which is NOT the place where D picked up the head lice. I know that will make W feel much, much better, so there really isn't any reason to upset her on purpose.
It was interesting to see how she concluded the e-mail from last night:
Quote:
Did you set off bombs in the house? Did you get a kit and treat yourself? You need to do this. If I get her lice free and she gets reinfected at the house I might have to beat you to death. Just wanna be upfront on this one.
The playfulness and the smile was very clear, so I have to take this as another baby step as well, don't I?
I'll reply to her later today and let her know that I have done the steps to clean up the house and rid us of any possible eggs that may still be around (although I'm still planning on doing some stuff in the car). I'll also let her know I'm ok w/ her plan to take D on Tuesday after her "appointment" (and NO I'll never let her know I'm on to what her appointment is about on Tuesday). As usual, I'll let you know how things turn out.
She's playful with you but threatens death. I know she's not serious, but still. Maybe you're right about her just wanting to punish you. She's just p*ssed.
that's okay though, you can handle it. You're good.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Did you set off bombs in the house? Did you get a kit and treat yourself? You need to do this. If I get her lice free and she gets reinfected at the house I might have to beat you to death. Just wanna be upfront on this one.
Interesting that she assumes that your D picked up head lice either at your house, or while in your care. BTW, bouncing for 90 minutes in a bounce house with other children would be an ideal place to pick up head lice.
I'm glad to see that you are moving forward with the deposition. Resist the temptation to "rescue" her during the deposition. She needs to account for the statements she has made. If that makes her uncomfortable...good. Maybe she will think twice about besmirching your reputation again.
I agree with Nut - bouncy house is the perfect place to get the head lice. I just bought myself my own batting helmut because someone told me I could get head lice from the ones they let you borrow at the batting cages.
I don't really get the deposition thing. That's to "clear your name" as it were, right? But... can you explain how that is supposed to work?
Someone is going to ask her to restate the things she has already stated, as a sworn statement to the court. Is that what it is? What's the point of asking her to say it again?
Or do we suppose she will recant?
What are these statements anyway? Things like "he abused me" and that kinda thing?
And next - what is the net benefit to you, or to your daughter, if you do this deposition? And what is the risk if you do not do the deposition dance?
I'll update first, then respond to the individuals...
My D has been calling me quite a bit while she's in Indiana. I left my phone in the car for about an hour or so and she called me 4 times in that span. I did call her back and she was a bit upset about why I hadn't answered my phone. It was cute.
Yesterday she called me around noon and we talked about her day at the Children's Museum in Indianapolis. She then called last night after I had left a message for her, but she wasn't too talkative (I'll give more on that in a bit). Then she called this morning as I was on my way to work just to chat. I guess this should be ample evidence that I have an excellent relationship w/ my D and she wants to be w/ me far more than my W is allowing.
As for W, I did talk w/ her last night and all the happy thoughts were gone. D gave her the phone and W said "Did you need to talk to me?" and I answered "Grace wanted me to talk to you. This is her decision." I then asked how she was doing and about her hair. W was very curt and I basically ended the conversation by telling her to have a good night.
Later last night, around 8:30 I get a text from W about her mom working on her hair for 3 hours and if it didn't she'd have to cut her hair. I affirmed her in my reply saying "I know how upsetting that would be for you."
W replied w/ "Do you? Do you really know? Tell me why it would be so upsetting to me?" My response was again affirming as I said "I just know how happy you are w/ your hair and how you worked so hard to get it the way it is now."
W's repied and said I was right as to why she'd be upset, then she threw out this: "Why was it so hard for you to be nice to me?" followed by "Do you know?" Needless to say, I didn't reply to either of these. Really, what possible answer could I give to her? There is nothing I can say that will satisfy her in any way, so there isn't any point.
Today, I sent her an e-mail response telling her I'd be willing and able to apply the treatment to D's hair while we were in Tahoe as well as mentioned that I'm glad she'll be going to D's doctor's appointment on Tuesday. She didn't respond via e-mail, but did send this text just a few minutes ago:
Quote:
"We are treating her for the 3rd time as she has more live bugs on her head. This is an f@#$ing nightmare. We might cut her hair."
My reply asked her if she wanted me to call our doctor and her pediatrician about this. She sent an e-mail saying new nits hatched on D's head this morning, that they have spoken w/ two specialists who are confused by how aggressive her case is and I will have to treat her in Tahoe. W then sent a text saying: "I am frustrated and overwhelmed. D is freaked. It is gross."
I'll be doing some checking on my own and getting back to W later today. I'm not sure what to do for her, but I'll most likely call our doctors here anyway to hear what they have to say. W did say she wants to talk w/ me "in person" so we can come up w/ a plan for treating D.
No matter what treatments they use, the success comes down to physically getting the nits out. It takes time, probably a couple hours, and a good nit comb. I think we used conditioner to help get the comb throught the hair, and also to "trap" the lice and nits.
Be really careful about using too many, or too much, of the treatments. They are insecticides, and they are dangerous.
