Guess I'm looking for some thoughts. I love polls. Then I do what I want anyway.
I was at my daughter's soccer game this weekend. I was talking to one of the soccer moms who I've known 5 years at least. She's divorced too. She also lives in my old neigborhoood and knows my XW though they are not friends. She asked me and daughter to come to the movies and out to eat with her and her daughters after the game. I said sure. Prior to this we had done some other things together the last couple months.
So we went and all had a good time. Very fun day! The kids all get along and my daughter likes the soccer mom a lot and vice versa. I'm pretty tight with her kids.
Now for a little background. When I first got seperated her and I were very close. So we're talking 2 years ago now. Had a lot of "close" conversations etc. I asked her out after I got divorced. She said yes then ended up bailing on me. Said it was too awkward etc. But maybe farther down the line things would be more comfortable.
But we still kept contact. We hang out at all the school/activity things together. But it seems now I don't really feel the chemistry "buzz" about her that I did then but we seem to be pretty compatible as friends anyway.
Anyway midway through dinner she says she's signed on with a dating service for a few months and is a little leery but she feels she has to "follow it through." She paid a pretty hefty fee IMHO. She hasn't started yet. So I went into how I've tried the internet sites a bit. We each talked about our disaster dates a bit. She had tried a personal in the summer.
Of course this is all going on with 3 little kids so its not like we were concentrating. But she did say a few lines that sort of left the door ajar. She paid for dinner as she invited me. I felt a little odd about that for some reason. Don't know why.
Her and I are supposed to go out alone in a couple weeks. Its a non-romantic event. Just going over some paperwork together over some beers.
I discussed this with another DBer already who is normally right on the money and who thought it sounded like the soccer mom still saw me as a friend to hang out with for now and that I should probably let her explore her options with the service and see what happens.
Which sounds right. So I guess I'm just confirming that.
I think I'm making sure that when I do go out with her alone that I shouldn't say something like "well if it doesn't pan out I'd go on a date with you for free". I have this habit of trying to crack myself up at inopportune times. I just thought I could throw something "out there" without it being pursuit? Probably not. lol.
Of course she is very similar to me personality wise so part of me says well maybe we got a chess game within a chess game here.
Well my exW is making noises about moving so maybe that will change the dynamic a bit.
So anyway I had a fun weekend. Hung out with my friend and his kids Fri night. He told me he and his W are happier the last 2 years than ever. And they're on 15 years. Good to here positives on marriage.
IMHO, if she IS interested and is playing games, you don't want to get involved with someone like that anyway! She bailed on you once. If she just wasn't ready at that time, she should have told you that was why she bailed, and if she's ready now, she should have told you that too.
She might make a nice friend. But when you've been through what we've been through, I think honesty, directness, and clear communication ought to be present from the get-go. Well, even if you haven't been through what we've been through, those things should be there!
If she's "wounded" in ways that make it hard for her to be direct with you, don't think you can rescue her and help her become a more upfront partner. Don't buy trouble, Rich!
If she comes to you and says "I wasn't ready before, and I'm sorry I bailed on you then, and would like a chance to try dating again," then I'd say go for it. But without some "ownership" of her bailing behavior before, you don't know if she's playing games or truly not interested.
Well, I speak as someone whose ex had been less than forthright with me, so maybe I emphasize honesty and directness more than most people. I don't know if that's as big a deal to you, Rich, but I do know that the signs that I see in your situation seem like red flags to ME.
Maybe they're only little postage stamp sized flags - maybe I overreact, given my history. But I just thought I'd tell you that I'd be wary if I were you.
Rich, Sorry dude, I have to agree with Mary here. I think you might be getting played a little here. But, I'm a little sensitive about honesty myself, having been burned a few times.
It seems to me like she's keeping you warm on the back burner in case something better doesn't come along. That's manipulation, kinda cruel, and I really frown on that. Especially since she knows you are interested. And that doesn't allow you to move on with one eye solidly glued to the rear view mirror.
I think you need to distance a bit, or maybe a lot while she pursues other avenues. She'll probably not find anyone better out there, and will no doubt suddenly have time for you as more than "friends" but you shouldn't sit around waiting for her just because she's tossing out a few crumbs in your direction.
I'm going to stray a little from the fold here, Rich, and say you've got about the right idea.
I think that some people do get a little ambivalent about dating signals simply because of the sensitive nature of the subject matter, but it doesn't necessarily mean they would not be a good partner.
Just take your cues from however your interactions with this lady develop, and if you have the opportunity to express your interest without looking like a pathetic wuss , by all means do it.
Also, don't worry too much about what you do or don't say. I think the temptation here is to think there's a "magic bullet" letter or phrase that will capture you a honey, when usually whatever is going to happen is going to happen unless you really throw a wrench into the works.
Happy fishin'
SI
[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: space invaders ]
At the time she bailed she did explain and apologize. And gave me her reasons why she thought it wouldn't be good at that time.
Being direct and honest. Well we're both guilty of that - hinting around etc. I wouldn't say she is being dishonest. Or that I clearly spoke my mind. I think we both like having that safe haven of having the buddy relationship to come back to.
She was definitely wounded. She has recounted to me some of her relationships. Not a lot of good tales there. She does seem stronger now. Her normal state is a little closed off but she tends to open up with me.
Yes I am a little wary. But I would be with anyone really. Thats my nature.
GG:
I know what you're saying about getting played and me being on her back burner.
But on the other hand I don't think I've acted like she is on my front burner either for quite a while.
I just think maybe its something to be explored at the right time. Maybe the time is not the present. I'm not really waiting for her. She has initiated the last few things. Not me. And we do enjoy each others company on some level as we both tend to find reasons to run into each other.
We do favors for each other regarding the kids. And help each other out with school/activity stuff.
Well of course she won't find anyone better out there!
SI:
Ambivalence. Thats the perfect word for me!
I think thats what I'm trying to figure out. How to indicate that I'm interested without being a needy wuss. Because its more of a well I COULD be interested now than I definitely am.
But I think there have beens cues that I let slide by without comment the last few months.
And I don't want to end up in the permanent friend only basket. Once you're there thats where you stay most of the time. Toast. So I think I need to toss something out just to keep it a little murky. Not that I'm waiting around but that I'm in the bullpen available. But my fishing pole is always at the ready.
Rich: Just remember - you can never have enough friends so being in the permanent friend basket isn't necessarily all that bad. It may not be where you want to be but on the same note you should feel good that she wants you to be there.
I know it is hard when we want it to be something else.
Missy: - You're right about friendship. I made it sound like a negative which wasn't my intention.
The part about "wanting it to be something else" is what can sometime test whether the friendship is true.
Dan: - Thanks. I'm good at breaking down the play on the chalkboard but sometimes when you get on the field emotion can take over.
quote:Can't sing but I got soul...the Goal is Elevation - U2
quote:And in love the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind...and I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much...Walk on - U2
No profound message to the last quotes. I'm just a U2 fan. See them if you can!
Rich, From what you describe, it's hard to say if she's playing games or is gun shy from having been burned once to often by guys and is confused, questioning her instincts with you. I think the jury is still out, but be honest with yourself as to how up front and honest she was and is with you. Take it slow, keep your eyes and ears open, concentrate on the friendship and see what happens. Don't rush into anything. Good Luck!
, by all means do it.
Because its more of a well I COULD be interested now than I definitely am. 
