I have not been posting for awhile because no one seems to respond. Maybe it is me. I received a call two weeks ago from a man who says he is my H's attorney and they are filing for divorce. I have not yet been served but expect it any day. H wants spousal support and to only pay a small amount of child support for our son. I have seen a lawyer and have been told I will basicially get screwed. I am so depressed and want to just give up. Nothing helps. Friends and family just want me to let go and get on with my own life but I dont know how. Couseling is not helping. I wonder sometimes what I did to deserve this. I know this is his decision but dream about him changing his mind and coming home. I need to know how to start getting over this and accepting it but no books or counselors for friends seem to help.
Hi Debra, I haven't posted in a long time. I came here as you did to save my marriage. It didn't work for me but I did learn a lot. I know exactly how you feel. But please don't give up. It will take time, lots of time but eventually things will get better. I'm still very sad but I'm doing much better each day. I wish I could take away your pain because nobody should have to go through that. But rest assured that you are not alone. Read what you find here and listen to the stories on the boards and you will not feel so lonely and you will learn. Just hang in there. You are much tougher than you know.
Debra: I'm not sure on your situation but why would your husband receive spousal support? Do you have your child or does he? I don't know California law but I would think what he pays for child support would depend upon his income versus yours. Why does your lawyer think you will get screwed?
Debra you appear extremely depressed and when going through these situations as we are it is not uncommon to feel alone and that noone understands etc. But we do!!! Have you seen a dr for some antidepressants? Perhaps the counseling isn't working because they are not telling you what you want to hear - that he will come home? I'm not trying to be abrassive here but there does come a time when we have to separate ourselves from their drama and believe in ourselves, understand that we are strong within and can conquer anything that life brings our way. Today you may not feel as though this is possible but I believe you have it within you to find it! We all have at one time or another. I have been on this board almost 3 years now - it has been a Godsend to me. Stay with us here - we will help you through these ugly times.!!
missy gave you some good advice! You do sound very down.. even about the responses you have gotten here...do try to get counseling as it will help you..or talk about getting on some zoloft or something to help through this difficult time. Remember that hiring an attorney is like any consumer decision...shop around... get a second opinion! Good luck... it will get darker before the sun rises.. but there will be an end in sight.
I am already seeing a counselor and I am taking prozac. does not seem to help. My H is entitled to spousal support per the lawyers because I make more money than he does. He will have to pay child support for 12 months for our 17 year old. I guess I do want to hear that he is coming home. Everyone says he is having a mid life crisis, which explains his complete 360 turn around in personality and the cruel and selfish way he deals with us. For the most part he has cut off all contact even with our son. He does occasionally speak to our 21 year old. I dont want to give up on the man I knew him to be, but he is insisting on this divorce and new life. This is so hard and yes I am very depressed. Somedays I just want to not be here.
Debra: How long have you been on the Prozac as I have heard it takes a couple of weeks to really kick in. I never did take it so I can't give much advice in that arena.
You are right Debra, your H is a different person - he isn't the man you married and should you get back together one day - you couldn't go back to what you had. That wouldn't be good - you would need to build a new different life together. Sometimes after the spouses finally come through this (3-5 years later)they are so different that we don't even know this person anymore. I'm not saying that will happen in your case. How about taking a good look at yourself in the mirror - you are sad, teary eyed, depressed - behind those beautiful eyes is a smile waiting to come out if you could work at it hard enough you might see a more beautiful woman just waiting to emerge and shine! That is the woman your husband should see. He needs to see a confident Debra. He needs to realize that this beautiful woman might just not be here one day and perhaps it will get his mind thinking? It sure is something to work at! Work on you Debra - maybe style your hair differently, get a new eye shadow, new lipstick - whatever it takes to lift your spirits a bit. Then get involved in something that occupies your time be it volunteering at the hospital, local food pantry, church, spending time with your kids, whatever but try and get your mind off of what was.
What difference will it make if make some changes? My h has cut off all contact. He won't see any changes. He doesnt even call to see how our son is doing. The last time I heard from him was 2 weeks ago when his lawyer called to tell me he was beginning divorce proceedings. He could'nt even tell me himself, which I guess should not surprise me since he beeped me and left a text message to tell me he was leaving me. Since he has left, I have physically seen him twice and spoken on the phone only once. We were married for 24 years. how do I let go? This is starting to wear me down to a point I just dont care about anything anymore.
Missy is right about making changes in your life. Just remember that the changes you make are for YOU, not for him. They will make YOU better, not him. You may think he will not notice because you have limited contact with him, but since you have children, I'll bet you have more contact with him than you think. And, he WILL notice, if not right away, but sometime. It's almost guaranteed! So many of us here have been through the same thing. My ex noticed, and probably still does, even though haven't talked to or seen her for 2 months.
There are a lot of us on here that have marriages as long as yours, and we're doing well, even if we did not want the marriages to end. My ex "left" for the second time, and actually moved out this time 11 days before our 25th anniversary.
By the way, your H and his attorney have only told you he is going to file, not that they have. You are just at the beginning of this, and there can be lots of time for things to change. You've got to keep things like that in mind, and focus on the positive!
Pick up Divorce Busting and read it or RE-READ it, whatever the case. Focus on what you didn't get out of reading it the first time. I haven't gotten Divorce Remedy yet, but Michele's books are absolutely mandatory reading!
Like Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over til it's over!"
I was going to say what Dan said regarding Missy's post. She really hit the nail on the head. And she really knows her DB stuff. And Dan (and Nikki) also made some great points.
The changes are for you not your H. By feeling good and positive about yourself you'll get your self-confidence back.
You have to try and define the goal as making yourself a better person when this is all over no matter what the outcome.
Believe me I know its a tough thing to do. And you may not "get it" right away. But keep chipping away.
Thanks alot everyone for the help. I am having trouble with the "eventually he will notice" stuff. He has made it clear he is done. He says he made a mistake 24 years ago and never should have married me. Time went by and he thought it would get better, we had two kids and finally he says he couldnt do it anymore. I have a hard time reconciling this with the kind honest considerate man I knew. He says he lied for 24 years because he didnt want to hurt my feelings, and now I am supposed to believe everything he says as the truth. So many secrets and lies. I feel like my life has been a lie only I was too stupid to see it.
