Here's my horoscope for today. Hm, food for thought.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Today can be a potent reminder of the dramatic changes you have experienced over the past several years. But even if your personal evolutionary process has irrevocably changed you from a caterpillar into a butterfly, the metamorphosis is not yet complete. Use the intensity of your memories to keep the process alive in the present moment while considering what work you still have left to do.
Here's my horoscope for today. Hm, food for thought.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Today can be a potent reminder of the dramatic changes you have experienced over the past several years. But even if your personal evolutionary process has irrevocably changed you from a caterpillar into a butterfly, the metamorphosis is not yet complete. Use the intensity of your memories to keep the process alive in the present moment while considering what work you still have left to do.
l&l--
Sorry I am ot posting alot right now. I am on a mental hiatus. however, after reading your horoscope, I am reminded of Forrest and all his advice. As he simply says--
DO WORK!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Didn't get to run yesterday because we got hit with a pretty bad storm. It was refreshing actually. I love storms.
But in a few minutes, I'm going to walk down to the gym with the kids and run on the treadmill and do some weights while the kiddos play in the adjoining play room. It has a window so I can see them which is nice. I really need to work off these girl scout cookies I've been living on. lol Looks like it is going to rain again today. Tonight, my son's girlfriend is coming over for a girl's night (he's up north with his Dad for the summer) and will go to church with us tomorrow. She's a great girl and thinks I'm wonderful. :-) She's really helpful, too, so it makes it extra nice when she comes over because I have an extra set of hands to help me.
I've been feeling depressed and falling into some "more of the same" traps in my thinking (and actions). Am having so much trouble resisting the temptation to check his email and messenger every day and the myspace pages of women he's either currently involved with or has been in the past. It's been awhile since I did that and now I feel like in a flash, I got sucked back in to it. I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm sabotaging my DB because I am afraid to believe that he will want to come back. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to be a "snooper" anymore. Not because he deserves his privacy. Puh-leeese! But because of the way it makes me feel. I start to get paranoid, scared, insecure, weepy, etc., even when there is nothing there. I actually made myself go over all of the memories of the other women when he still lived here and the ones since then (that I know about) and the fact that he started an eHarmony acct in April. I keep telling myself that he doesn't want me. He proves that over and over by seeking out other females. I know he's not seeking them out because of the sex but for an actual relationship, like he's replacing me. It hurts. I read his profile on eHarmony and thought, heck, I'd go for him if I didn't know him. lol
I think I'm just trying to talk myself out of hoping (after the great weekend we had) because I've been there, done that, got rejected (or replaced). I made a screensaver for my laptop out of the pictures of us from the weekend. They were some really good pictures. The best I've ever seen of us actually. Very strange. Anyway, underneath the one picture where we are cheek to cheek, locked in an embrace, I put a quote that I saw on here somewhere,
"I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you".
And then across the top of the screen is a Scripture from Romans 12:12 that has been the basis of my prayers lately (like when I feel like I can't breathe because the pain is so great and I'm tired of waiting and hoping):
"Be JOYFUL in HOPE, PATIENT in AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL in PRAYER."
I just need to go about GALing and keep my mind off of "woulda coulda shoulda". I feel like last weekend a lot was happening in him, in his thoughts and feelings and now I just need to let it all marinate. I need to not contact him and let him really think about (and live) life without this family and without me. He is due to go to Bening August 1.
I'm in such desperate need for reassurance from him that it is physically painful. I can't make it go away. I hate this. UGH!! To the gym for me!! :-)
I can completely relate to the urge of wanting to snoop. I have been a snooper in the past - it is hard not to fall back into that trap. However, you are right, it always makes me feel awful afterwards - and not because of the privacy issue either. What makes me feel bad is that I feel the need to snoop because my W's actions have caused me to lose trust in her. If she wasn't violating the trust I had placed in her then I wouldn't need to snoop. Unfortunately most of the times I have succumbed to the temptation to snoop I have found out things that caused intense hurt and pain for me and our R.
You do need to continue to GALing, right now it is the thing that provides me the most peace and sanity. Keeps my mind off of the bad and makes me feel good about myself.
In my situation, my W has been deployed for 8 months now so we have not been living together for a while. The first 5 months of the separation we were fine, it has only been the last 2 or 3 months since she dropped a bomb on me that we have been in this mess. However, this morning I woke up and thought, if I could just continue living here with my girls and never saw her again that would be fine - I could make it. I just know that when I see her in a month (she is coming home to help move across country) all these feelings are going surface and I will be have a much harder time GALing and not wanting to R talk. But I have a month to prepare myself and make sure that I stick to my guns. It is the uncertainty of everything that bothers me, I'd just much rather know right now - one way or the other - as to how all of this is going to turn out.
Hopoe you had a good time at the gym. Need to go myself.
I know what you mean. If we could just continue living here in this (very nice!) house and he just stayed....well, anywhere out of state if he's not going to work on the M...I'd be happy. When we went to the gym (which is part of our neighborhood community center) yesterday, walking through the neighborhood and seeing how nice the center was, it made me think how perfect for our family this community is and the house (size wise)and the school, etc. It made me so sad. This is the nicest place I've ever lived, especially when I look at it from the vantage point of what I, as a mother, want for my family.
I think I've been having increased anxiety and depression lately because the reality of the deadline is looming large overhead.
I am dying to ask him if he's still seeing OW. It's killing me! I know that I need to be nonchalant in my dealings with him so that's not really a topic I should broach but.....agh!!! He just sent me a copy of his orders (which say that he's moving with dependents) and his report date is Aug 31. That's good that I have an extra couple of weeks. He also sent a letter for me to take to transportation that says that he wants me to sit in for him in the transportation briefing. He gave me instructions for what he wants me to do. I was tempted to respond, jokingly, "what's in it for me?" but instead just replied with a brief, "Ok."
I have to stay busy and let this thing with OW runs its natural course (secretly, I've been praying that she does unattractive stuff like picking her nose in public or gets annoyingly jealous if he talks to the elderly cashier at the convenience store or whatever scenarios I can think of. lol)
From reading DR, I've been trying to set goals and list things that would be "signs" that things are changing. Like it says in the book, "I'll know...... when.......happens" A big thing for me is if I notice him starting to pursue me (even in small ways), that will speak volumes. I've been reading in For Men Only what it means to a wife to be pursued and light bulbs went off. A big part of my insecurity over the years has come from him pursuing other women online and NOT pursuing me whereas he used to "pursue" me fervently.
Anyway, gotta run and get ready for church. Wish me luck today. Weekends are always hard for resisting contacting him. Have a good day everyone.
I think I've been having increased anxiety and depression lately because the reality of the deadline is looming large overhead.
I can validate you on this 100%. I have a little bit more than 5 weeks before I pack up and leave here. I will be leaving a good job, quiet and friendly neighborhood, and easy slow pace of life and heading to the East Coast (DC area). Next week I fly out to find a house and I am just dreading it. I know that I could very well just dig my feet in and stay here, however in my heart I know that would really be the end of the M and I'm not willing to let that happen at this point. Feel I owe it to my girls to do everything I can to keep this family together. It is very hard though and a constant struggle because my head tells me the smarter thing for me is to stay put. I tell you the decision is really causing more anxiety than I've ever felt. If we all get out there and my W returns a couple of months later for good and has no desire to save this M I am going to be one very unhappy camper.
Today is a tough day for me. I'm taking my girls to a two week summer camp, so I will be without them for a while. They love the camp so I'm glad they are getting a chance to go, but I will miss their smiling faces around the house and it will be rather empty with just myself. Last year it was nice because it gave my W a chance to have 2 weeks to ourselves and go camping and hiking together and spend some quality time. It was a really nice time for us. How things have changed so quickly is beyond me.
Time to start getting some coffee going and girls up for church.
Ok, feeling a little sick here. Regressed a bunch in my DBing, I'm thinking.
Just got off the phone with my H. I asked him if he was still going out with Point 5 girl (read back a few pages for that one), thinking surely after the weekend we had, he realized he didn't want to live without me..blahblahblah..and broke up with her. WRONG. He said yes he was. I told him that I was confused. What was last weekend...and I mentioned some things that were misleading, etc. He said that it's hard for him when he sees me in person because it is so tempting because he loves holding me (ETC) but he knows we can't stay married. I said, 'so, it's just physical?" He said, "no, I love you and care deeply for you. I just know we can't live together or stay married" HUH?? I said, 'but I want to...I believe we can'. I told him that there were guys asking me out (which is flatteringly true :-) ) but that as attractive or nice as they were, I only wanted him. He said that I only want to stay married to him because I procrastinated in finding a place to live and now I'm panicking, trying to stay together because I don't know where I'm going to go when we clear housing. He said that once I had my own place and a steady job and things settled down (what is with these WASs that think things are going to magically settle down at some point in time??), then I would realize that I didn't really want to be married to him and I would be glad. HUH??? Yeah, and by then the damage to the kids will be great. Yes, I can make a good life for my family and provide for them because I am just stubborn like that but it is NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM. I told him that he was wrong about that assumption.
Once when he was mad, he said that I only wanted to be with him because he was safe. To which I replied, "um, no you're not". But tonight I said that in a sense he was right but not in the way he meant it. I was safe because with him is where I'm supposed to be. I was safe because that's how God intended it to be....H as protector of this family. I told him that when he is up here, we feel like all is right with our world. I felt so peaceful and content last weekend when he was here....and YES, I felt VERY loved by him. I am so confused.
Okay, so here's the kicker about tonight's conversation, the part where I really think I blew it (although I feel a strange sense of relief now): I asked him if OW knew he was married. He said yes. I asked if she truly understood that there was no legal separation or anything and that he makes wild, passionate love to me every time he's here (sorry if that's too much info). He didn't say anything. I said that I'm sure she'd be interested in the pictures of us from the pool last weekend. I said that if she understands that he's married and she's a paralegal in a family law practice (which makes me wonder if that's why he puts up with the substandard sex because he needs her for legal stuff), then surely she understands that she can be charged with "Alienation of Affection". He said it's not about her.
Oh darn, I have to finish this later. Baby woke up.
