Are we piecing yet?

[kiwi000]

Quick overview of the sitch;

Together 9 years, married 4 years, S2, I'm away overseas alot, WAW turns out had depresssion (doh! didn't even know), kicks me out after getting back from 4 week trip to China in June 2007. OM in picture, EA turns PA until a couple of weeks back. WAW gets lawyer and makes untrue allegations about me. I control my response and DB, backsliding a few times but keeping to the programme in the main.

Sudenly WAW comes to me 3 weeks ago and says she's ruined her life, self destructed etc. I tell her I love her no matter what. I verify that R with OM is apparently over days before.

So,WAW came to me and asked to have coffee last week. I agreed and at that coffee she asked 'if I had moved on or not because she needed closure one way or the other; she wanted to know if there was any hope for reconciliation?'.

I answered that I loved her and always would but that I couldn't answer the question, only time could tell us but that I had not moved on. She answered 'f**k, I thought you'd say that. (That response left me a bit surprised as I don't know what it meant). Then she said " I guess we're in limbo then' and I replied that I was pretty familar with limbo having been there for 10 months'. At least she laughed at my semi-serious response.

She then went on to dexribe how angry she is with her Mother who has 'told everyone that she (WAW's M) doesn't agree with WAW's choice for treatment for depression. I simply answered saying WAW's mother had not told me that.

We finished up by her saying that maybe we could keep talking to each other and rebuild the trust. I answered affirmitively.

Since that coffee she's asked me for some advice about a project she's working on and we've had better communication about our S. If the only thing to come of it is better communication in the interests of S3, then so be it.

Having said that; I have had so many feelings about these conversations. Does WAW really think that better communication will overcome the hurt and betrayal? I don't dwell on those but some day they're going to have to be discussed as they've helped shape me into a different person than she walked away from.

Anyway, I'm being open but I'm not pursuing her or suggesting we get together. The downside is the R discussion seems to be on hold again.

So, here'e where I need advice. How do I/we take this forward? any successful DBers that can offer guidance from here. Or is this one of many baby steps???

[Lanzo]

Hi Kiwi,


In answer to your question "Are we piecing yet ?" I think the answer is yes, if you want to accept.

In a lot of cases like ours the WAW returns but doesn't want to be held accountable for their actions or the turmoil they have created, so they try to ignore, gloss over or not (immediately) discuss the facts.

See an examples
Piecing...Ostriching...Salvaging.. I don't know...
W and I piecing this M back together #2

So my advice to you would be to accept W's offer of reconciliation, but lower your expectations of having your "pound of flesh", "your day in court", or even a simple apology, because it's not going to happen as you expect. The best way forward is to forget these things until W is ready to speak, and for that to happen you will need to get the R onto firmer footing, that is where you do work.

You will need to understand that it is you who is going to be the one who has to push the reconciliation, you are going to be the one who has to spread the love all around, otherwise you will find yourself stuck in limbo (as you are now)or maybe even worse lose W again.

Piecing doesn't seem fair at first cos the onus is on you to put things right, your are going to be the one to prove your love so W will come around, but all good things will come if you are patient and prepared to try. (I'm trying it now).

Welcome to piecing.

[kiwi000]

Thanks Lanzo. We're spending more time together with our S so that's good. I'm open to this and we can do it. Thanks for the welcome, it's nice to be here!!

[SuperDad]

Kiwi,
Soooo...how are things coming?
Hope well! SD

[kiwi000]

Well SD, where do I start?

WAW gave me a card thanking me for giving her my friendship and saying she was sort that she wasn't there for me for a while but she was there for me now. We've had a few joint outings with S3 and I was invited over for dinner with WAW, S3 and WAW's parents. Things seem to be superficially OK but I wonder why she wants a reconciliation. Is it money (she'd commented to friends how hard it was to find a rich man or any good man and I earn a good living)?

WAW commented the other day while at my house that I was quiet. I thought about that later and I'm really quite different from the guy she walked away from last year. My fear is that she is the same angry, trecherous person who walked away last year and spent so much energy blaming me for her EA/PA.

Tonight our Nanny who's leaving us b/c she can't deal with WAW's mood swings told me that one of WAW's friends had cornered her (the Nanny) up and said that the marriage was awful and WAW was happier now (this was back in January however, before WAW's 'ephiphany'.

When the Nanny said she didn't know and wasn't party to everything, she was told 'it's easy for outsiders you know'. Remember that WAW accused me of having an affair with the Nanny earlier this year, some ten months after walking out on me and S3. I didn't have that affair.

WAW's friend was always a flake but for some reason this really annoyed me. I kept my cool and havn't reacted but the hurt and betrayal appear to be bubbling just beneath the surface for me.

I can still see the angry, bitchy WAW and that really worries me. I've changed so much, through DBing and through the simple neccssity of surviving a WAW. But has she? I can't tell and it's making me subconciously back off.

Any advice???

[C_K]

Kiwi

just a few ideas that may be some use.
I think it is very important not to worry about ather people and what they say / think.
You cant do anything about how your W behaves but you can do things about how you react to that behaviour.
If she is Bitchy , angry what ever , how are you reacting ? is it the same as you have always reacted?
Now my W can be Bitchy , angry etc. i used to back off and keep low when she was like this.
Now I just bust through it , stay on path keep pma up. I will acknowledge with , "a wow thats stressing you out huh? " or something along those lines. Remember she wants you to emphasise with the way she feels , but at the same time not react adversley if that makes sense.

Keep working on you , let W follow , it will take time.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Kiwi,
If you are anything like me, women's behaviour and expectations has always been a mystery. If so, have you read Deida's "Way of the Superior Man" or maybe "For Men Only" by the Feldhahns or "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley? I think all of these books may give you some insight into your W's state of min. The last one has been recommended by several posters in Piecing.

Otherwise, you sound like typical couples who are trying to piece the M back together. Just keep experimenting and you will find what works for you.

SD

[kiwi000]

Thanks guys. I guess I've also been avoiding the R talk and opening up too much and she could be reacting to that. it's hard to expose myself to this on one hand and near impossible not to on another. I'll get the books recommended and keep you all posted. Onwards and Upwards!!

[kiwi000]

Update; things unchanged here. get the feeling WAW is backing off. hard to tell, just need to stay the course I guess but I do find myself indluging in conspiracy theories about what she's up to..... strikes me that she's spending a lot of time on looking good and not wanting to spend much time in my company again.

[kiwi000]

WAW invited me to go on holiday with s3 overseas! I said sure but we need to talk first.... her response was to enquire what we need to talk about, when I said alot has happened she responds by saying 'no problem, we get on fine, it'll be OK'.

now that'd deflating, I want to talk about everything that has happened.....