Been a long time...

[i'llsurvive]

Hi all,

Its been awhile since i've been on, but need some advice/words of encouragement.

My waw came to me in begining of 2005 with "I love you but not in love with you." Found out it was another man. She filed, and was granted divorce in december of 2005. She remmaried two months later, divorced him 6 months after that. She then turned to new man in summer of '06 and pursued him until fall.

Since then she has not pursued anyone as far as i know. I found this board right away and db'ed, got a life, found great friends here and that helped me through my tough time.

Anyways, it has been over 3 years since she left and I have dated, tried to move on, but it hasn't happened for me. I always stayed nice with her because of this. We decided to take our D to disney coming up. Since then she has been pursuing me like crazy.

I mean being so overt as asking if we could stay at my fathers when we go back home, talking about buying houses, even having more children. I have played it off jokingly and flat out avoided any such talk for fear of breaking my heart any more than it already has been.

But it has been going on for a good month now out of nowhere. Here is the big problem. I found out she's into witchcraft, or wicca or something like that. She jokes about it often though I know she is being serious. I am a faithful catholic and this turns my stomach just thinking about it.

I really don't know what to do or think. Her complete turn around is always what I was hoping and working for, but now I am torn with the wanting my W back and being repulsed by this crap she is into. I don't know what to think or do and I was hoping for any advice or qords of encouragement.

thanks everyone!

[germ04]

just be honest with her...it doesn't sound like you are going to be missing much. She was the one who chose that path. Now you ae in control. Maybe even be honest and ask her straight out but do it in the context of your daughter.

[Dom R]

wow... that's a heck of a history to have to deal with.


If you are open to maybe reconciling, then how about this thought:

Consider how you would react, if you were still married, but she was doing what she was doing now.

I doubt you would divorce her.

So, if you wouldnt divorce her... then maybe that means you should still remain open to reconciliation, and even help it along a little bit.

If she is trying to pull you together again... maybe allow her to drag you a little bit closer, rather than dropping anchor and refusing to be moved at all

Then, see how the sea looks from there.

[Sad1]

Man, what I wouldn't give to have xW show any interest in me at all. However after 16 mths of S and after how she's treated me throught the legal process, I would be reluctant to expose myself to her emotionally. Of course there would be a history between us but I think I would approach things as if it was a new relationship, trying to get to know her all over again.

i'llsurvive - after 3 yrs, I'm just wondering how well you actually know her as she is today? Her 2nd M and relationship after that suggest to me that she's still trying to find something that she didn't find in your M.
Mind you I don't know your entire sitch and I'm still hurting from mine, my feeling is be CAUTIOUS.

[Alone in Alabama]

'Hmmm, the grass over here is all dead? Let me jump back over the fence'

How old are the two you?

I don't know about Wicca thing, mine is screwing her married cousin, try that one on for size! LOL

[Lifebeginsagain]

well Hi
I don't often post but thought I would reply to you.

She is in to a different religion/spirituality to you. The name doesn't matter, who the "leader" is doesn't matter the question is are the beliefs similar?

Does her belief system place an importance on the same things yours does

things like treat everyone kindly
be nice to yourself
be forgiving
accept things you can't control
the name of the belief system means nothing, don't be fooled by your thoughts on what she is following - seek first to understand where she is coming from. If her belief system is totally out of synch with the principles you live your life by then it is a biggy but if they are similar just using a different name then you don't have a problem.

One of the big lessons I learned through all of this is DON'T JUDGE based on gut feeling...your gut will tell you something is not right but that is a signal to explore and understand not judge!

People make mistakes. Life is a journey. She may have realised that you are the best thing to have happened to her and she made a mistake.

Let her know the words she needs to say to may u feel confident she is growing and changing. If she can't say them then perhaps she has not learned the stuff she needs to have learned in order to have a meaningful relationship with you

If not then it doesn't matter

Know your boundaries and give her the information she needs to know to understand how she can most effectively try to reconnect with you. Wicca/ Catholic / Protestant it does not matter as long as the core beliefs are consistent with you, don't get hung up on names / history etc.

Good Luck

[cat03]

I disagree, personally I'd be disgusted too, my beliefs condemn any kind of witchcraft, and if i'llsurvive is also repulsed by her new lifestyle then what would happen if they get together? she might stay on that path or head deeper, I know for a fact I'd stay away from stbx if he were to pursue me but he'd be into that stuff.

Tally up the pros and cons, and honestly ask her about her involvement and how deep into it she is (just experimenting, is a pro now, etc etc)

Her quick M and D also don't give me good vibes. What kind of person is she now, is she someone you'd date if you didnt' have a past with her?

[seekpeaceofmind]

How do you know it is "crap"? If you are so averse to (or close-minded about) other spiritual practices or a belief system other than the one you follow that it makes you physically ill, then that is probably a good sign that you will be incompatible. Right?

If you can take an interest in the things that have meaning and value to her, then that is an R that has respect and some potential. Maybe her interest in Wicca is part of the foundation for what you see as her turn-around.

I can't say not to judge it, because I honestly know in myself that I would not be interested in exploring an R with someone whose religious/spiritual practices were very different from my own. But - I'm UU, so there's a lot of latitude there! In my case, I would probably not be interested in someone who is very conservative. Or, at least, I can't imagine it - but then I see how many interfaith marriages there are, so I challenge myself to be open-minded.

As suggested by Lifebeginsagain, you have to figure out for yourself how much latitude you have within your own values and where this R (or potential R?) fits into your values. At the very least, it sounds like you can now have a true friendship with your x and the mother of your child(ren). That is something to be grateful for. . . .

[i'llsurvive]

Hi all, thanks for the responses, I forgot how awesome everyone on here is!!!

Since my posting it has been more of the same from her. She lingers around talking and even "wrestling" with D and I when she comes to get her, talks about "us" things in a joking manner, tonight she asked for a hug.

I keep playing it very low key, not confirming anything but not outright denying her or what she is saying. I guess I myself can't just come out and ask her because that hurt or possible rejection would kill me again. So I am seeing how things go.

It is so odd. This is what I prayed and hoped for all while she was going, and now that it is possibly happening, I am wraught with indecision. At times I see some of the person I loved, at other times it is a completely different person who I absolutley loathe and detest (as far as not putting D first or hardly at all in her life while still partying it up).

MY mind goes into overdrive and drives me crazy every day, as it seems she has found that grass isnt greener. But I've always been there for her even when she was treating me like crap - at times for the posssibility of reconciling, but mostly to make D's life as stress free as possible. She has been friendly when it was convenient for her and it makes me wonder what has brought this about?

As far as the religion, it does turn my stomach when I think about it. Not because I am intollerant, but she seems to be swayed by anyone she comes into contact with. A good work friend got her into the witchcraft. When she started cheating it was a friend then co-worker who talked her into it (or at least swayed her to that side). She took on all of that persons beliefs at the time (looking at taking up bhudism).

Anyways, I turn my mind over and over (unintentionally most of the time) trying to figure her and things out, but its al just conjecture on my part as only she really knows.

thanks again everyone, look forward to hearing back

[RMG77739]

It is so odd. This is what I prayed and hoped for all while she was going, and now that it is possibly happening, I am wraught with indecision. At times I see some of the person I loved, at other times it is a completely different person who I absolutley loathe and detest (as far as not putting D first or hardly at all in her life while still partying it up).

MY mind goes into overdrive and drives me crazy every day, as it seems she has found that grass isnt greener. But I've always been there for her even when she was treating me like crap - at times for the posssibility of reconciling, but mostly to make D's life as stress free as possible. She has been friendly when it was convenient for her and it makes me wonder what has brought this about?

As far as the religion, it does turn my stomach when I think about it. Not because I am intollerant, but she seems to be swayed by anyone she comes into contact with. A good work friend got her into the witchcraft. When she started cheating it was a friend then co-worker who talked her into it (or at least swayed her to that side). She took on all of that persons beliefs at the time (looking at taking up bhudism).

Anyways, I turn my mind over and over (unintentionally most of the time) trying to figure her and things out, but its al just conjecture on my part as only she really knows.

thanks again everyone, look forward to hearing back

i'llsurvive,

This is a really tough one. It is another occasion for my crystal ball to look into the future...... Sorry, it is broken...

Here is my ten cents (2 cents is 10 cents due to inflation)....

You could sit back and see what happens. If she continues to pursue you, you could be open to it.... The good thing is you seem to still have feelings for her..... Maybe she has learned her lesson... The worst that could happen is does not work (again).......

HOWEVER, if you choose to NOT pursue it, you may be wondering 10, 20, 30 years down the road...... What if? That would be a terrible place to be in my humble opinion..... I would rather try again and have it blow up (again) IF I REALLY LOVED HER......

Before jumping into R, M or bed with her, I STRONGLY suggest you both go to couple's counseling........

I know this probably confused you a bit more than helped.... But, those are my thoughts right now...

Take Care,

RMG