Still in love and struggling

[RMG77739]

Thanks RMG - I agree that I sometimes ask myself why would/do I even want her back after all she has done and all I have found out (I was very good at snooping)? She essentially lives with OM now. However, I keep coming back to the reasoning that this is not my W, but rather an alien.

JMC,

I am sorry.... I do NOT buy the "alien" BS...... These people are acting based on their beliefs, moral and values..... You either are one who cheats on your spouse or you do not....

I do not believe a "good Christian" person goes into MLC and f#c%s around and/or gets a D...... A "good Christian" would realize he/she has issues and needs help including counseling.... I am sure many of these would be tempted to act out.... However, they would realize it is wrong based on their marriage commitment to God, their spouse and their family.....

To use the "alien" is just living in denial... That person is choosing to act that way.... That IS who they REALLY are.... No one is forcing them to act in any way......

I just cannot see any mentally sane person thinking it is okay for their spouse to f$c% around.... and then come back...... Where are the consequences? When (not if) does it happen again? Do you get a free pass to f$c% around when you feel like it?

Just my thoughts....

RMG

[JMC]

That IS who they REALLY are.

RMG - I can totally understand your points. The above quote is what I in particular struggle with. I believe this MLC monster is real and that my W is not really this way. Since this has gone on, none of my family or friends has said to me 'I always knew she was trouble,...etc.', rather they have expressed shock and wonder what is going on with her.

This thread originally attracted me because of the question regarding regret, which I believe most of them eventually have once they come to their senses. Regarding being a good christian, I feel that is what must happen for them to realize what they have done. Who knows, but I appreciate your thoughts.

JMC

[RMG77739]

That IS who they REALLY are.

RMG - I can totally understand your points. The above quote is what I in particular struggle with. I believe this MLC monster is real and that my W is not really this way. Since this has gone on, none of my family or friends has said to me 'I always knew she was trouble,...etc.', rather they have expressed shock and wonder what is going on with her.

This thread originally attracted me because of the question regarding regret, which I believe most of them eventually have once they come to their senses. Regarding being a good christian, I feel that is what must happen for them to realize what they have done. Who knows, but I appreciate your thoughts.

JMC

JMC,

Been there. Done that. My exWAW was the ONLY woman I trusted with all of me. The problem was I did NOT see her for who she really was. She was a person who only loved herself. When the little bump in the road came, she blazed off. She showed she had zero character. That is fine with me. God turned my sitch into something beautiful beyond my wildest dreams.

My whole point is they broke their M vows. I honestly do not think anyone is going to go out and do something they would not think is right to them. Even if MLC lowers their impulse resistance or whatever, they are still exercising free will given by God. To think this is not how your W is is purely denial. She is choosing this path.

Would a man run out and have a homosexual R because he was in MLC? I would think not because that is NOT who he is. Hence, the MLCers are just acting according to their core morals and values.

I personally would not want a woman who did not want to work on M, is "sampled" by other men and then wants to come back into the M. I guess I am an old-fashioned romantic. When you love someone, you do everything in your power to make it work. You do not seek sex or emotional support from OP besides professionals and family members.

I believe God will judge these wayward spouses. I do not think they get a "free pass" on their actions.

RMG

[Wide_awake]

Dudes, what happened to my post??

I couldn't agree more with you and I'm saddened today to say that I now have confirmation that my wife has not been trying like she claimed to be.

She confirmed that she has been having an affair or shall I put it as she did. "I have what I always wanted with you. To be everything to someone and have that someone feel I am everything for them."

She then went on to say that she had that but the other person no longer feels that way. But, that doesn't change how she feels about us because (I'm guessing here) based on what I heard in her voice today, she thinks that that was the real deal and our marriage isn't and will never be.

This happened at work and we both agreed it wasn't the time for the conversation, so I have no details. More questions than answers.

But, how do I proceed from here? Any advice out there?

I knew this was happening in my heart. I just didn't snoop because I wanted to be honorable and in all honesty, I didn't want to know. I wanted to believe she was being honest and faithful. I wanted to beleive she cared enough about me to wait.

I was so wrong.

She works pt where I work and she just walked in and over to me. And what do I see when I look at her? I wasn't even angry. The hole in my heart is growing by leaps and bounds but when I look at her I see the beautiful woman I love more ever.

Help??!!??!!

[Wide_awake]

Haven't had the energy to post the update here. I hope to hear from people who can share their thoughts from when they have been here.

I decided that I would be patient and wait for her to talk. She came home and sat down on the couch beside me but didn't say anything. So, I said, quietly, the ball is in your court. I'm here, I'm listening and trying to understand. She still didn't say anything for the longest time.

Then she said that she never intended for me to know. That she didn't want to take 100% of the blame for our marriage ending that she knew would happen if I knew she was having an affair. She is very adament that it is just as much my fault as it is hers. But, go figure, I never cheated on her.

I don't want details. I know a lot of people do that but at the end of a marriage, I don't feel the need to know all this stuff. All I want to know is when it started. This helps me to process what was real and what wasn't in this last year. She refused to tell me. She said that it started when she knew we were done and I knew when that was. I do? I can list of several dates that she claimed it was over and then went back on it. It wasn't until this last november that I felt she had truly decided. But, I got the distinct feeling that this is not when she was saying it started. We argued over this for a long time. she was rude, cruel and said she would just make dates up if that would make me feel better.

Hell no, it wouldn't. What is wrong with this? Sixteen years of marriage is not enough for a little honesty when it isn't going to cost you anything you haven't already made the choice to give up?

It was awful.

She did say that she is in love with this person but she isn't sure the other person feels the same way because of the lies and guilt associated with what they did. She feels that this is "the one."

So, I said a lot of things, but the hardest thing I said was that while we were still living in the same house this couldn't continue. It wasn't fair to me or to us. That if she is going to continue this then she needs to leave.

She just stared at me and asked if we could go to bed. I repeated it and she got up and left. I spent the whole night just starring at the wall.

She called me the next morning before I went to work-it was tense. She sent me an email telling me she was sorry, she shouldn't have left. I unleashed all my emotions on her.

But, since then she has been incredibly friendly and loving and wanting to spend time with me. I know, beyond a doubt, that this has nothing to do with me.

But, what is it?
Guilty conscious?
Relief that it is finally out there and she is free to pursue this other person?

I get the feeling, even tho she refuses to say anything that they are semi-broken up at this point becuase of the guilt/lies but that she is hopeful that they will be together once the house is sold and she doesn't live with me.

Again, I'm reaching out hoping for some advice.

Been doing this a long time and I'm still lost.

[Wide_awake]

Today she told me I was family to her and that she was willing to work on our issues together-the pain we caused each other. But, ONLY if I accept that we are over forever and that she is in love deeply with her affair.

Have no idea how to respond to that.

She also claims that the affair has known everything we have done together over the last year and that she was trying to "find" me while they were screwing each other.

[No_More_Dodo]

Today she told me I was family to her and that she was willing to work on our issues together-the pain we caused each other. But, ONLY if I accept that we are over forever and that she is in love deeply with her affair.

Have no idea how to respond to that.

She also claims that the affair has known everything we have done together over the last year and that she was trying to "find" me while they were screwing each other.

Wide_awake,

I am really sorry all of this happened. I have so been there...... It is such a shame when someone does this. This shows they have no character. I know this is hard to do.... I would just suggest you get on with your life..... She is NOT the type of woman worth your time, effort and love.....

I wish there was something else I could write......

Take Care,

No_More_Dodo

[No_More_Dodo]

Today she told me I was family to her and that she was willing to work on our issues together-the pain we caused each other. But, ONLY if I accept that we are over forever and that she is in love deeply with her affair.

Have no idea how to respond to that.

She also claims that the affair has known everything we have done together over the last year and that she was trying to "find" me while they were screwing each other.

Wide_awake,

I had to come back to post more thoughts..... They may SEEM crazy...... What kind of woman wants a dude who will screw around with a married woman? Does she NOT see he has NO respect for marriage? What makes her think he will NOT screw around on her? What woman thinks a guy who will screw around with a married woman is a "catch?"

Take Care,

NMD

[Alone in Alabama]

Her being friendly is her holding on to the 'safety net', if you have any hope to save it, then you need to go tough love real quick, but truly it sounds terminal.

Good luck to you.