Why Can't I DB the right way??

[water2moon]

H has been back home now for 2 weeks. HE calls me constantly, he hugs me when he leaves and comes home, he's patient with me and seems understanding when I rant and rave almost daily.But i'm seriously sabotoging this and I'm afraid he will soon go back to OW because he thinks i'm nuts. I keep reading Carol and Dean's Story in DR. It took 9 months for Carol's H to finally say he was ready to work on their marriage. It's been 2 weeks and I keep questioning mine. Today he told me that I want something I haven't had in years. So I flipped out..I told him that this past Summer he did make love to me and he did tell me that he loved me.And this is what i want to have back. Now he sleeps next to me but does not touch me at all..not even a kiss. The other night I draped his arm around me and his hand was practically clenched in a fist so he wouldn't touch me. But I'm thinking that he did fall out of love years ago and this is what he means. I know he does still feel emotionally attached to the OW and I feel so alone..Yet he's here..I am trying so hard to GAL. I enrolled in school again and will attempt a Career change as well once I complete my studies. I am hoping that once i get started I won't have time to look for crumbs that he may or may not throw my way..But it hurts so bad..Last night I was watching a movie and the couple became intimate, I started bawling and kept thinking he recently experienced that yet I haven't in months and it just seems so unfair..I'm attractive and I do get attention form other men and I have been saying horrible things to H. I tell him that I'm not a nun and I will get it elsewhere if I don't get it soon. Then we get into this huge fight and he detaches even more.So I'm back at square one. Tonight i called him at work and told him that although I can hear the Dispatch radio in his Truck
( paramedic) that for all I know he can be parked outside of OW's house. And I told him maybe we should just seperate because i can't live like this anymore. So then he tells me please just have some patience..Don't rush me.I asked him if he ever thought he could love me again..And I swear he paused for what seemed an eternity and then told me "probably given some time, but what you're doing daily is not helping'so then I start crying and hang up on him..He calls me again and tells me that he'll be on a call till about 3 Am and told me to turn on the news at 10 that he might be on it..Apparantly some people were injured at catering hall in Queens ..So I right away suspect he'll be with OW..But I know that if he is my ranting and raving will not make it stop..I know what i should do..but why can't I do it?? Does it get easier??

[Sara]

W2M,

Have you looked at the Retrouvaille website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org? You are right, it is not enough for him to just be physically home. It is possible that a Retrouvaille weekend could help you very much. You and your husband are in the Misery stage of a relationship. This is a crossroads. From here you can either work together to repair the marriage and move to a much better relationship, or move along the road to divorce. But staying in the same place will bring more pain and no solution. A Retrouvaille weekend and learning the communication skills that they teach there was the turning point that saved my marriage. It can save your marriage too.

[water2moon]

Hi yes, thank you I have looked at it and saved it to my faves. It's something I hope we can do one day but honestly right now I don't think he'll do it.I just need to detach and still be nice and kind and try to be his friend again. I'm hoping that this will make him see me in a new light. I have read D remedy so many times.And yet I can't apply them to my own Sitch. I really need to though or I may as well file D papers myself like Michelle says in the book. Does anyone have something they did to stop themselves when they wanted to rant and rave? This is what i really need right now..It seems like i pick fights with H on purpose yet can't make myself stop.

[sgctxok]

Honey, you CAN do it. Don't give yourself another option. Give the man credit. ACT AS IF he loves you.

There is a stopsign technique that some people use....if they're visual people. They just envision a stop sign when they are about to do ranting thing.

You must do whatever it takes...because you will not get what you want without it. And you are very likely to have a wonderful wonderful marriage again if you do it.


You have got to forgive him.....to get the marriage you want......and the person you will be helping the most is yourself. JUST DO IT.

JUST DO IT.


I had to learn to control myself too. It took NOT going on about how hard it is. It took doing EVERYTHING ELSE.....and focusing on making myself happy.

Not doing it grudgingly. Throw your whole heart into it.

He'll fall in love with you again.


Back off. Show him you respect his space. You honor him and his needs. You WILL be repaid a hundredfold.


You CAN do it...don't kid yourself...you CAN.

[Starshyne]

water2moon

Honey you and I are swimming in the same pond here. My H lives at home with me. Actually he just decided a few days ago that we can no longer sleep in the same bed. But for the past month we were sleeping miles apart in a queen sized bed. He says that he doesn't think he can love me again because he isn't sexually attracted to me. I brought up Retro, and he has no desire to go.

I do way too much ranting and raving and crying. It is like something snaps in me and off I go not giving a d*** about what I am doing until after the damage is done. Somedays I really do feel like I am just writing out the D papers myself.

Why don't we try to work together in this? Be accountable for the ranting and raving?

We can do this!!!

Sara

[water2moon]

Thank You so much Sg!! I really needed to read this..Sometimes I feel like giving up.I know I'm a stronger person than this and I want to fight for him. Last night I had yet another nightmare that he went to live with the OW.I woke up and told myself that that was NOT the outcome I wanted and I need to change my ways and give the man a chance.I realized that If he wanted her, really wanted her he would not have rushed to be back home the way he did. I even told him to stay in the hotel longer and give it some more thought, even though I knew he was with HER.Found out from a letter she sent him that he left her crying in the parking lot. So I really don't want him to regret his decision to come back home now.I may print out your comment to remind myself I CAN do this..Thank you!!

[water2moon]

Sara..It does sound like we have a lot in common..Even found out around the same time..I started to suspect in November but had no proof.If you'd like to email me feel free..We can support each other in our DB'ing Efforts..

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W2M,

As Ronald Reagan used to say, "Trust -- but verify." Yes, you have to have systems in place to verify if your husband is being truthful with you, but once in place, you have to live the moment in TRUST. Your behavior is going to push him away.

DO you have any systems in place to know if he's being honest with you? If not, perhaps you need to. If you do, and he's not giving you any reasons to doubt him, then you need to back off.

Puppy

[water2moon]

Hi Puppy Dog..Actually he's being great right now, calls me all the time to show me he's really working, he's patient and doesn't get all defensive anymore. and he even called me at work today to tell me that OW called his cell this morning crying.She kept saying on and on that she can't take it anymore and he clale dher back..Wish he wouldn't have done that though..I also don't like the way that after he played the message he called her right away without any hesitation..He told me she was crying saying she wanted to give her baby up that the doctors say he is Autistic and has ADHD..she's a great Mother eh?? And she feels all alone and has no one to reach out to.So he told me and I feel good that he's not keeping it from me but..when does she stop? She did this last time and it brought them back together 2 times. He would end it she would call he would feel bad and I was being lied to again..I'm a little scared that the phone calls will continue..I asked him if he'll return the calls next time he says no..but I'm not so sure.

[GoingForward]

w2m,

Would it be possible for H to change his contact information (ie - cell number, e-mail address, etc)? Do you think he would be willing to do this?