I talked to the W today. Error 1: I initiated the call. Error 2: I brought up the relationship. Error 3: I defended my actions.
I asked her why she didn't think we could make it. She said I have sent her mix messages. Like I told her when she first left that I was going to wait on her. I wouldn't do anything to make her not want to come back. Then when she moved out, she was coming back and forth getting her stuff. This was at the first of February. Well, she said she was coming by to get something, I had her stuff packed up and by the door waiting on her. She said she thought that was me moving on and not wanting her back. I told her that was me trying to help her get her things together. She didn't see it that way. I say one thing and then do another. Passive/Aggressive.
Then it came up about her getting her name off the house. I said I thought about that, but it would cost more money than i have to refinance it. She said so you already tried. I said I tried the first time you left. Passive/Agressive.
Then she asked if I was just scared to move on. I said i have no problem moving on. I have let you go. I am just not giving up on us. I am not stopping or interfering in any of your decisions. I just believe I am being lead to stand for our marriage. It may take a day, a month, or even a year. But that is my decision. I know my mistakes. She said we could never get on the same page. We would both give up too much for the other person. She said she could not become who she needed to be with us together. I couldn't defend that. I was thinking in my head though, you have always gotten to do what you wanted to do. I have never stood in her way.
Then as I was talking, I was telling her that I was told to let HIM handle it because that's what I prayed for. And as I was saying it, I realized I took it into my own hands again and told her, thank you for being honest.
Anti DB I know. But I feel I gained some useful information. I now know how she takes "my helping" her as pushing her farther away. So although I was anti DB, I feel like I made some progress.
Well, she seems to be nice today. She called today and was cordial. I didn't ask any questions. She just talked about the kids. I listened. When she was done, I said have a nice day. She said bye, and that was it.
I thought I would test the waters and ask her to a concert this weekend. She said yes that would be nice. Then she called back and said maybe it wasn't a good idea for us to go because she didn't want to lead me on. I said okay no problem, you are probably right. No big deal though. I understand where you are coming from. A few minutes later I called her back and asked her if she wanted the tickets so she could go with one of friends. She didn't know I already had the tickets. She said, oh you already have the tickets. i said yes. She said she didn't have anyone to go with. She said she didn't want the money to be wasted, so to let her think on it some more.
After the conversation, i am kicking myself because once again i feel as though I rushed into something I shouldn't have. it seemed like a good idea at the time, but then afterwards, not so much. We would have been in the car together for 2 hours going and two hours coming back. I wouldn't know what the conversation would be about. So, while she is thinking about it, I have to figure out something to do with the tickets, because I am pretty sure her answer is going to be she doesn't think we should go together.
Tell her, no problem, I'll go with one of my friends, just thought I'd ask you first.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I did that. She is trying to get me to sell the tickets. I just said I am going to go. Thanks for considering it. I'll talk to you later. She stalled, so I said bye.
The lesson I learned is to not ask for anything. Just be good to me and the kids. If anything is to happen from this point on, it has to come from her. I guess that is DB 101 and I need to take the class again.
Just say "its OK I will just go by myself and just eat the other ticket" that might make her feel bad and eventually agree to go so its not wasted. Don't say you will go with a friend.....the goal is to get her to go!!!
She called me back and said she would go so the ticket wouldn't be wasted. But do I want her to go if she doesn't want to go on her own accord? Initially it seemed like a good idea. Now, I will be thinking she doesn't really want to be there, and if she isn't having a good time, I have set myself back again. So I told her not to worry about it. I still do plan on going, I will just go with someone else. Strictly platonic.
If i keep telling her I am not giving up, but I am letting her go, then i need to stop asking her things and let go. And as hard as it is, I am going to try that.
For whatever its worth I think your better off going without her. She is not in the frame of mind to work on the R so you would just be disappointed if she went. I have done these things took my W to plays, skiing, dinner, etc. She has said the same line as your W maybe its not a good idea I don't want to give you false hope. All these outing I went on with my W I cant really say that they brought us any closer togther, and the reason is because SHE doesn't want us to be closer togther. It go's back to you can't control another person if she wanted to get closer to you then yes going to the concert would be a great thing.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
That is good advice. But it just so hard to not ask her to do these things. It's things I think she would enjoy. But you are right. It doesn't matter if she wants to do them, she doesn't want to do them with me.
We seem to be in the same situation. My W is talking to an out of town OM. And she is renting her own place. We have two kids and have been married for 11 1/2 years. i am going to look up your sitch and see how you are handling things.
The W called last night and said she would like to go to the concert, but she didn't want to lead me on. I said again she was correct. It would probably give me false hope. I was trying to validate. I told her don't worry about it. I will figure out something to do with the tickets. She said so now you are agreeing with me. I said you're right. It's probably not a good idea. I will talk to you later. She hesitated and I said I will talk to you later.
Not sure if I handled this this correctly, but it sure feels like I did.
