Still in love with my waw....after divorce

[Bill_S]

Well I had hoped things would be different. The marriage is over but things are strange. Shes talking to me more. Even telling me about the boyfriend. She opened up big time about her "red flags" with the guy, was mad (and a little drunk) last night and said hes a liar. Then telling me how their plans usually work and how hes acting cold etc.

Heres my problem. I still love her. I want to move on and Im trying. Has anyone heard of a waw who got a divorce acting like this? I would like to keep the door open (a little). Or am I being an idiot?

Frankly, I dont have a clue what to do. She asks for my help with her HUGE cell bill and I said no. Shes had an issue with her first ex and a stalker and she wanted ME to "protect" her. Ive told her I cant help her with her bills (Pastor said she needs to "hit rock bottom"--thats klling me)and when I said I will always make sure shes safe she got a sad look and said "you have no idea how much I appreciate that..."

Im about as lost as a person can be. I would like to continue building a relationship whatever happens. I dont want to shut the door completely but I dont want to open up to more pain.

[Chevelle]

well, Bill..just tiptoe with this...

Sounds like a first glance, she is being a cake-eater. Meaning, she wants you to be the stability and security, but want the OR and OM for the excitement.

I come to find my STBXW said a lot to me that ended up going nowhere with us. She would still come to me and be nice, but only wanted something from me..she did this while dating too.

You need to GAL..nothing wrong with supporting her, but dont do everything she asks for...show her there are consequences for her actions.

If she wanted out, give it to her, and let her see what its like to be out.

God Bless

Chevelle

[Bill_S]

Good point. Ive rolled over for years. Ive told her Ill be there if she gets into "real" trouble but I wont pay her way. Shes badly in debt, a $1000 cell bill etc...in way over her head. Ive paid off utility bills I was in the house for. Just recently loaned her $250 for the gas bill and made sure she knew it was a loan (she said she would pay me back on her next payday). I dont jump when she wants anymore. She 3 times now wanted me to "back her up" with this guy who is a semi-stalker. I did....shes little. She said she hoped I would loan her all the money for her cell bill....I didnt. I even suggested she ask her boyfriend but she said hes poor! She spent saturday night into sunday morning with the guy. But didnt have money for gas to get back from his place. He LOANED her $20 and said she had to pay it back!!!
Just dont get it......

Now shes talking to about him....some "red flags", some things hes done (cheated and talked badly about her, dirty texts with other women etc). Telling me "hes not THE one", "hes a liar" but yet shes attached herself. Id like to know why Im suddenly ok to tell everything to?

Ive explained she chose this life and she needs to face the consequences. As much as it bothers me. I wont be her crutch when life gets her down or she cant pay her bills.

[Bill_S]

Forgot...

About a month ago she was depressed. She asked me if I wanted to take a drive. "I miss my family". We did. For 5 hours!!Took everyone out to eat and took her home. After that back to the cold ex.

Last night I was over for some things. We had a small fight. Over money she wanted me to loan her and how I feel thats all I am to her. Got heated but before I left she was fine (not sure how much she drank...) As I was getting ready to leave she started talking about something and wanted to know what I thought. Then wanted me to go online and look something up for her. I sat across the room and she said "I guess that will be your spot when you go online now huh! It used to be on the couch right here (motioned next to her). But not anymore huh? You will always sit there now huh?" All in a really good mood...smiling...even laughed a little.

That "spot" just got a good wi-fi signal so I sat there. And this was after our fight and I told her I would have the last few things out in a few days. I moved to the couch (end and she was close)and she talked my ear off and started asking if I had seen two movies and how she wanted to see another and she watched one with her boyfriend. I kept cool and helped her. She saw a picture on my desktop of a women (kinda like her) and she started acting all excited wanting to know who it was. I just answered "No one" and she gave up after a few minutes. After that she clammed up and acted a little cold.When I left I said goodbye to her daughter and my ex chimed in "Bye..goodnight"

All after our fight and her telling me her BF isnt "THE one"

Im lost...

[RMG77739]

Bill_S,

Please do not give her ANY help.... As our friend Chevelle wrote, she NEEDS to hit rock bottom. She NEEDS to see you are not a "beck and call H."

Take Care,

RMG

[Bill_S]

I know. Im trying to draw the line. I cant turn my back completely.
That was the last loan. She hinted she needed money for gas(to see boyfriend) and I told her to have him pick her up. She WILL hit bottom. Ive seen it coming for a year. She has $50 in her checking to last till friday and all I did was say"sorry". Not helping with her car payment, past due credit cards or her $1000 cell phone bill (again told her to ask her BF). Im not at her beck and call anymore. Just wondering why the hell she seems to draw me back.

[RMG77739]

Just wondering why the hell she seems to draw me back.

Bill_S,

Honestly, it is because she wants to use you... I would just tell her she needs to seek any help she needs from OM.... You need to tell her... She wanted OM and D.... That means you have ZERO obligation to her...

Take Care,

RMG

[Chevelle]

Im not at her beck and call anymore. Just wondering why the hell she seems to draw me back.

Because you care and still love her. I went through the same ordeal for the better part of two years. I got to the point I couldnt be the "fallback H" to help her with stuff that she had a perfectly capable OM to do. Of course, I will always love my STBXW, but I wont put myself through the bullshit anymore.

Funny how all her OMs couldnt fix the car, or fix the house, or fix the toilet..I already pay CS, so she cant bug me about that.

But it is funny how they think they are happier without us, and they are for a while..till reality sets in. Meanwhile, we GAL and at least act happier. They notice, they might not show it, but you can see little snippets of displeasure in them. So, they use anger as a way to vent their issues to us to make us look bad to make them feel better..keep that in mind.

I assume you have kids. If you do, the money should only be used to help them, not her and OM. As long as she knows you are her bank..she will keep withdrawing.

I u want, check out my last topic on here. It basically was my full detachment saga...with the help of my new friends RMG and Dodo. My D will be done in a month. I just got sick and tired of the drama. Believe me, unless they deal with their own issues without your help, this will be a vicious neverending circle for you. And it wont help your PMA or GAL.

But it sounds like you are starting to understand it all. And you dont have to turn your back completely. Thats for you to decide. Just draw your lines with her.

And one more thing I learned...the LBS has a tendency to put more signifigance on something that isnt there..so read into things carefully.

God Bless

Chevelle

[Bill_S]

Your right...I know.

We have a s10 and she has a d21,d19,d17 and a s12. Im still involved with them. Especially her son. His dad is an oddball. I told her I wont give her money. The "loan" was a one time thing. I wont let her keep falling back on me after divorcing me and running with this guy for a year. She did it again last night...found out the guy was texting his ex gf that he misses her and other stuff after my ex took him back. While with his ex gf he texted my ex (wife at the time) telling her the same. She wasnt happy. Asked me if it was possible she was just starting trouble or if he was playing her. Bit my tongue and said Im not suggesting ANYTHING but it seemed more than a coincidence. She cried and said all her women friends tell her to dump him and I said the same(which I NEVER once said) and she knows the right thing to do(except when it was about saving a marriage) but she doesnt think she can. I said I would pray for her. She suggested praying she does the right thing (have for years but free will sucks). I said I would and I would pray for them to fix things or her eyes to open.

Ill read it Chevelle

[Bill_S]

Chevelle

Seems we have alot in common. Its funny how you think you are the only one going through this stuff like its too horrible to happen to anyone else. Im trying to GAL but after 12 years its tough. Ive read some of your posts and Im getting caught up.