Hi! I'm a newcomer,so I hope I'm posting this correctly! I guess I'll start with a bit of information about my situation. I'm 26, my husband is 29, and we've been married almost 7 years. We have three precious children (7,4, and 3). Last July, I became concerned that he was interested in a woman (she's 25) very close to my family. I confronted him about it, but he denied that they were anything more than friends. I knew they were talking on the phone and texting alot, and I spoke to him (gently but firmly) every day about how uncomfortable I was with it and how it could lead to something more (she had an affair that lasted for a year about two years ago). He continued to deny that anything inappropriate had or would happen. On October 29, I learned that they had been having an affair the entire time I had been suspicious. The affair ended (her decision, I think), and my husband moved out three weeks later. He is not talking about a divorce, has not seen a lawyer, and does not want to talk about the future of our marriage. We are friendly to each other, he sees the children most days, and he still takes care of things around the house (like light roof work, etc.) without me asking him to. As painful as it is to say (or type :), I think he is still getting over the woman with whom he had the affair, and I don't think he is emotionally ready to deal with our marriage or with me. He acknowledges that what he did was wrong, but he is not repentant. What I'm wondering is, is this common? Is it likely that he will need perhaps quite a bit of time to get over her and the whole experience before he can make decisions about us? I know everyone is different, and I'm trying really hard to be longsuffering and a good wife in spite of everything that has transpired. The last few months have been so emotionally devastating, and I have found myself thinking, Is this really my life? I didn't realize that pain like this existed apart from the death of a loved one. Anyway, I hope I have made sense. I'm a little surprised that I could summarize it this much. Times in life like this are full of such significance and hold such potential for changing all dreams and preconceived notions about life and relationships that it seems almost blasphemous to not take hours writing about it. But who would want to read all that?
Hi Jasmine. So sorry you are here, but its a great place for support. No one will understand better the pain you are going through.
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I didn't realize that pain like this existed apart from the death of a loved one.
Its been said its more painful in some ways than the death of a spouse. I never understood that, until I realized that death is not a choice, where what my H is choosing to do is his choice.
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What I'm wondering is, is this common?
Unfortunately yes. Your H seems to be acting very typical in this situation. I am sorry about the affair, and I know it hurts for him not to be very 'sorry' about it. And you pegged it, he is mourning the loss of this other woman.
Please go buy Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy (or check it out from the library). You will find many answers to your questions in there, as well as a great plan to help yourself feel better as well as possibly helping your marriage along the way.
Keep on being positive and calm around H. Our situations/timelines are fairly similar (with the affair).
Thanks for your response, lwb! I read Divorce Busters about two months ago. It really helped me see that I needed to be intentional about giving my husband his space to deal with things on his own time(as maddening as that can be!) I'm excited about finding this online community because of the few people who know about my situation, only two have any personal experience with adultery, separation, etc. It's the kind of thing where people are really sorry it has happened, but they don't know what to say or have much advice.
Hey jas....I was a cheater in my marriage and yes, this is pretty much on the ball with your SO.
Time will be needed on your part and for one thing to not be brought up....I think it says it in the book also is, don't bring it up again to him. It is all still fresh in his mind and it will take a little while for him to come to terms with it. He knows he has lost your trust and that is HUGE for any man. It is something we feel we work really really hard to get right and this is the ultimate nail in the coffin for the that work that has just been pissed out the window. He knows he got nothing out of the A and that is the worst part also. A double negative.....hard to rebound from that.
Use this time effectively to think about WHY your H felt the need to have an A. Identifying the why's can start to give you the solutions to the M failure. You can establish whether you think they are things you are willing to change, (if you can).
An example I would say in you situation may be that you have a very 'kiddie' orientated M. I have four children and that happened to me. I lost focus of my H in the every day survival of life in a busy household. I was all cuddled out by children by day, so wanting space in the evening. I expected my H to be a 'grown up' and just know, without ever talking about this stuff, that that's why I didn't want a cuddle. Obviously there was a lot of other stuff as well but this is just one example.
Recognising my share of what happened and holding my hands up meant my H met me half way and reconciling was so much easier.(Still bloody hard work though and peicing appears to me to be a M long thing).
Now, maybe in my instance, that was just because I actually did have a lot to hold my hands up to and I could be way off base with you. If that is so I apologise.
My H 'came back' very quickly compared to nearly all the different scenarios I have seen on here. Your H's pattern is much more usual.
I wish you much luck and hope that sharing with the good folks on here will help you start to work on at least diminishing or channeling some of your pain. It hurts so badly and I am sorry you are here.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Please know that you aren't alone in what is happening and how you are feeling. My H's affair was the most painful experience of my life and I had no idea that it was humanly possible to feel such pain.
I think things are a little different when the OP ends the relationship instead of your spouse. My H's OW decided it was over and told him that if he came over to her house she was going to get a restraining order. So my H didn't want the relationship to end and was "dumped." I know that he is mourning the loss of this person that he believed that he was in love with. I would bet your H is doing the same. My H also isn't repentent and really hasn't even said he was sorry.
I know it is difficult, but it sounds like you are doing well.
Keep working on it.
sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Thanks for your advice. And I agree, talking about the affair is not usually what I want to do. I have never wanted any details other than the month it began. The difficulty for me is that the woman was so close to our family. I've had to get rid of alot of pictures, my kids ask about her alot, they still pray for her at bedtime prayers, etc., so it's hard to ignore it completely. And my husband and I are to the point where we can talk about some aspects of it without me getting upset or sad.
And yeah, it may be that my husband can never let go of his pride to the point that he can get over having had the affair, and having to lose her and alot of what we had together. Only time will tell.
I don't want to seem nosy, but you mentioned you had had an affair. Did your marriage work? Please don't be offended by this question, and if you don't want to respond I certainly understand. Have a great day!
hey jasmine, you are doing all the right things. My H's OW was a friend of mine, and my girls knew her very well, as well as her kids. They still talk about "Miss OW" and her kids a lot. Hard, very hard.
FA, I am curious too, have seen you post other places. I would like to hear more about you, about why you decided to come back to your W (I am only assuming here). What she did and didn't do that made your decisions...etc. Feel free to tell me to shut it if you don't want to talk about it. lol
Saffie, thanks for your advice! These last few months have been a time of reflection for me, and I have realized that there are several areas where I could use improvement as a wife. However, there is one thing I know that contributed to his having an affair. About 2.5 years ago, I became friends with a guy and we emailed back and forth, saw each other alot at the gym, etc. I realized I was attracted to him, but we continued emailing for about three months. I was miserable about my behavior the whole time; although there was nothing inappropriate on the surface, my feelings were wrong and I finally ended it.
My husband found some of the emails a couple of weeks later and was furious. After talking to the guy, he believed that nothing happened beyond the emails, but the damage to his trust in me was done. His affair began six months later, and I don't know that he would have done it had he not been so hurt by what I did.
It's weird to be sharing this with strangers, but I think it's helpful to know that I had done something like that shortly before the affair. For me, it makes guilt something I've really had to deal with. Anyway, I'm glad to see your marriage has been restored! Have a great day!
You should also read the book After the Affair, by Janis and Michael Spring. Actually, both you and your husband should read the book, because it is written with both points of view discussed, the faithful spouse and the wayward spouse. There is much work that needs to be done if you and your husband are going to get back together. The book outlines it very well.
