It's Really Over, Throwing Him Out~ this so hard

[water2moon]

I have tried so hard the last 2 months. I tried linking my story below, hope it works. I have tried DB'ng so hard but to no avail. Even after the OW went all psycho and called our home, sent me texts, sent me pics etc he still defends her. It's been nothing but lies. He tells me it's over and I know he tries but never goes more than a week. And then it starts up again. I notice the little signs, we fight he denies and tells me that he'll leave if I don't stop. Then I cry and say I'll stop and he knows I need him here for financial reasons.As of last week he insisted that there was no more contact, but then he started leaving early and coming home late and lying about overtime. Well tonight was the last straw! I am losing all of my self respect. Part of me wanted to look the other way and be strong and hope that in time she'd get tired of waiting for him and he would get tired of her pushiness.I tried Db'ng and tried being happy around him..I only cried when alone. But I think that no matter what i did he couldn't keep away. I grew tired of not having a husband and knowing that he's in love with someone else( or thinks he is)So tonight I called her and she picked up..he was with her..His little pit stop on the way to work.She sounds so confident now, not like the scared hurt person calling my house last month begging him for reasons why he lied to her.And i'm the one hurting now..So I told him to go..I told him I would pack all of his clothes and I did. Everything is in the foyer in garbage bags, wasn't about to give him my suitcases.

And he's mad at me and says I'm not acting like an adult. Thing is he wanted it all..He never wanted to leave. The OW lives with her mother and Illegitimate son. He lied to her and told her he would leave yet all the times I told him to leave he wouldn't go.He knows it will be a stuggle to pay all of the bills here and pay for a new place with her.Who knows maybe they ARE meant to be together, or maybe he'll wake up and realize what a mistake he's making. But I doubt that..I have to face that it may truly be over. Part of me feels like I'm making a mistake and i'm being too hasty but 2+ months of crying is too much..I am losing control of my life and I need to get my life back.I plan to stay strong and show him that i'll be ok, that my girls will be ok..But I'm so so sad that our beautiful family is now torn apart.


[url=http://]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1340993[/url]

[SueS]

water2moon-

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're here. You know what? Kicking him out and putting his clothes in bags may not be DB'ing, but boy do you sound strong to me. Who isn't acting like an adult here? He's putting his actions on to you. If he were an adult, he wouldn't be lying to his wife and he'd be owning up to what he's doing, where he's been. He'd be at home working out his problems and taking care of his wife & children.

I know this is hard, but like I said, you sound strong to me. Trust me, I've been aware of my H's affair for months. I'm in a tough financial position too. I make okay money, but we've had problems in the past & a lot has to be cleaned up before I can feel confident enough to go it alone (with my D3). I haven't had the strength that you have. I've been afraid that my pushing him out would push him further away from our D3.

You'll get a TON of support here. I'm sure I didn't answer questions for you, but I want to say.....YOU ARE STRONG. You sound like a caring, loving person and damn it, he's a moron for leaving you for someone else. And, of course she's going to feel more confident now, he's sitting right there with her. I'm sure she still has a lot of insecurities about it all. They are living on lies. The relationship is built on lies.

Try to have a good day and do me a big favor, okay? SMILE, just once. Even if you have to force it out. Smile! You're the good person here and you deserve a smile and happiness.

SueS

[water2moon]

Thank you so much Sue..this hurts so bad..This morning he came home after work , he works nights and I had all of his things packed in bags. So he stalled of course and then proceeded to lie to me and tell me that he wasn't with her last night before work. He continues to lie to me and I can't take it anymore. This is hurting our family but I know in time he'll realize what a jerk he's being. But I know this lunatic will try to hold onto him anyway she can and will probably try to trap him with a baby. I can't imagine my husband who I thought I'd be with forver is now starting a new life without us.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Water,

I'm sorry you're here, and I share your pain. My wife cheated on me, too, and it's the most painful thing that one can experience.

I read your other thread, and one thing occurs to me: have you ever tried to take him up on his offer of claiming to end all contact, by asking him to help set up a plan whereby you can feel he is following it? He wants to be "treated like an adult," well call him on that bluff (probably not today, but he'll try to come crawling back, trust me). When he does, say "OK, I am willing to work at this, and I don't want a divorce, but I absolutely refuse to have a third person in our marriage. You need to end it with her, and set up a plan whereby I know that you have, that is provable to me, in order for me to be able to rebuild trust with you." There are plans out there that do just that.

We see all types of wayward spouses on these boards. Some really don't care about their families, and others seem to TRY to be strong and come back to them, but are just weak and they relapse into the affair. Just based on the VERY brief info that you've given us in the two threads, your husband seems to me to possibly be the latter.

Just a thought.

Puppy

[JoieDeVivre]

Water,
You definitely took the bull by the horns. You titled your thread, "It's really over..." but it may not be. Up until now, he's been in total control of the sitch, including his threats of leaving if you didn't stop snooping. He had you right where he wanted you so he could keep on chowing down on his cake.

Kicking him out was a LRT (and it took a huge amount of courage!). I bet he didn't see that coming at all. Now you're in control. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come back asking for a second chance. So, if he does, be prepared. Know what you want (such end the A, NO contact, transparency from him, counseling).

OW may think she has it made but that isn't true. If she was pursuing and pressuring him before, she won't stop now. And now he's under even more pressure because his fantasy life, as well as his home life, is disintegrating.

Don't let him tell you you're not acting like an adult. What bull. He's the one that's been lying and sneaking around. He may be pretty angry for awhile so keep calm and strong.

I hope your D's are doing ok.

Joie

[LL44]

Oh man, I can feel your hurt. I am so sorry. So very sorry. OW may sound confident, and your hurt is very real, but really, you have the better life. You can go to sleep at night knowing you did everything you could, you stood up for yourself, and you knew when your lines have been crossed. Morals can really help with insomnia, my friend. I am sorry you are here. Joie, Sue and Puppy are amazing support, each of them in different spots, but have been in the spot you are right now.

I am losing all of my self respect.

Not lost anymore. Good job. It took me forever to see what H's cake eating was doing to me, even when people pointed it out. I finally got him to leave 3 weeks ago. Hard? OMG yes. But there are 2 hard roads (him here, him gone) and the 'him gone' gives me my self respect and peace back. Why live their crazy life with them?

I plan to stay strong and show him that i'll be ok, that my girls will be ok.

Not only will you show him this, it will become your fact of life. It will give you the self confidence back, everything you need to have peace again. Set your own pace without H at home. Secure your finances and quietly visit an attorney to make sure you are doing everything right.

I am thinking of you.

You can still DB by the way, your plans to stay strong and be there for your kids is perfect DB!!! Its not over, there's just been a shake up, and that can be a good thing.

I recommend minimal contact with your H, and be kind when you do speak with him. No more tears, and definately no more contact with OW!!! She is not worth your time.

[karen43]

Water,
You definitely took the bull by the horns. You titled your thread, "It's really over..." but it may not be. Up until now, he's been in total control of the sitch, including his threats of leaving if you didn't stop snooping. He had you right where he wanted you so he could keep on chowing down on his cake.

Kicking him out was a LRT (and it took a huge amount of courage!). I bet he didn't see that coming at all. Now you're in control. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't come back asking for a second chance. So, if he does, be prepared. Know what you want (such end the A, NO contact, transparency from him, counseling).


Joie

I have to agree with everything Joie said! I find that since my H moved out, he is emailing me every day which he hadn't been, planning on seeing the kids more than he did when he moved out, etc. I think esp. since you have 2 children it's not over b/c you will have contact re: the kids... Karen

[fightingirish]

Water,

So sorry you are here, but there are so many wonderful people on this board, you will get tons of advice and really caring support.

You are incredibly strong for doing what you did... I feel your pain regarding the money issue. Im a sahm and my H owns his own business, and yes that does make a difference, especially when you have kids to support.

Do not get emotional around him, just post here. go dark, only contact about children issues and that's all, he needs to miss you hun.

Im in Ny to.. about 1 hour south of Albany!!

You take care of yourself and those girls.. Thinking of you..

tal

[Starshyne]

Your husband and mine must have the same wave length. Let me tell you what happened when I kicked my husband out just so you are ready in case yours does what mine did. It was a Monday night and I finally had decided that enough was enough with him staying with the OW and then coming home to shower, sometimes sleeping at home, etc. So I told him that he had to choose. He chose her. So I literally threw an old suitcase at him and he packed up his stuff. He left and I took the keys away from him.

In the middle of the night he comes knocking on the door. He says that it is all a big mistake and he wants to be with me. The OW means nothing to him and he loves me. He wants our marriage to work and will go to counseling and do whatever it takes to get thing back on track. He hugs and kisses me and tells me that he loves me. I am totally shocked! I asked him what happened to change his mind, and he says that he just couldn't live with the OW that she is controlling and mean. In the morning she calls, and I am in the room while he tells her that he is serious about his wife and their R is over.

Flashforward to Wednesday of that week. H tells me that he just wants to go hang out with the OW for a few hours and then will come home. I tell him that isn't what we agreed on. We have a huge fight. I am crying and begging and screaming for him not to leave. He gets in his car and leaves and I follow him to her house. I stay in my car and bawl my eyes our for at least an hour before I go home.

I find DB the next day and realize that I did many wrong things. But I thought he was serious about ending it with her and I learned that he wasn't.

He also called a lawyer and found that since he name is on the house the same as mine, that I have no legal right to "kick him out." And so he has used this as an excuse to do whatever he wants because I had no power to make him leave.

The OW ended up getting evected from her apartment and had to move into her mom's very small house with her 2 kids. My H came back home because there was no room for him. About a week later, the OW broke it off with my H for real and they no longer contact each other. (if my H does, she is going to get a restraining order against him) So H and I are living under the same roof.

I dont' know if that helps you at all, but I want you to be aware of what could happen with him wanting to come back home. You are very strong for standing up for yourself. Keep that strength going...

sara

[water2moon]

Hi Puppy..sorry you've gone through this too..I have never felt such hurt in my life..I never expected it from my H. I don't know who he is anymore. I did tell him that he needed to decide her or me back in Februaary and he really did end it, that was when she started calling and texting..But it lasted 2 weeks and it started again.I recently discovered more lies, he got another cell phone recently so they can continue talking and texting. He also opened a bank account with her to save for the future..And I think he has his money from work now going directly into that account. It's like he's slowly severing all ties with me..it hurts.

Water,



I read your other thread, and one thing occurs to me: have you ever tried to take him up on his offer of claiming to end all contact, by asking him to help set up a plan whereby you can feel he is following it? He wants to be "treated like an adult," well call him on that bluff (probably not today, but he'll try to come crawling back, trust me). When he does, say "OK, I am willing to work at this, and I don't want a divorce, but I absolutely refuse to have a third person in our marriage. You need to end it with her, and set up a plan whereby I know that you have, that is provable to me, in order for me to be able to rebuild trust with you." There are plans out there that do just that.

We see all types of wayward spouses on these boards. Some really don't care about their families, and others seem to TRY to be strong and come back to them, but are just weak and they relapse into the affair. Just based on the VERY brief info that you've given us in the two threads, your husband seems to me to possibly be the latter.

Just a thought.

Puppy