Well, I'm no expert, that's for sure. I've only had one post D "relationship" and that only lasted about a month. I can say without a doubt that he was NOT the one. I felt numb with him for sure. At first I had the nervous jitters and all that, but it turns out that it was only because it was the first R to happen for me and it felt so exciting, he didn't inspire me.
Now I'm treading lightly into another possible R with someone who I simply can't tell yet how I feel. Internet dating is weird that way--you are sort of thrown into a dating situation right off the bat rather than knowing someone as friends, building an attraction, etc. Dating in the age of the internet is certainly different than how things were 20 years ago.
But the other thing Steve is that we are in it for different reasons than we were 20+ years ago. We're no longer looking to start a family. As for me, I make it pretty clear to a man I want to date that I don't think I want to marry again although I would like a committed long term relationship. If he's lookingt o marry, then he should probably move on. For me, marriage at this point in my life seems somewhat redundant. YOu know in France and other European countries, marriage is becoming much less common. There are plenty examples of couples who stay together for decades without wedding. Anyway, I've had a very wonderful love and marriage and family with my ex--so, been there, done that. I'm looking for something different.
I don't know for sure what "different" relationship is yet, but I know that I don't want to fall into something familiar out of habit.
Anyway, That's a long way of saying...I just don't think you've found the right one yet, the one who makes your heart sing. I also think you're still figuring out how you want to define your next relationship. And I would definitely be straight right from the beginning about your reluctance to get married again. It'll weed out the ones who are going to put too much pressure on you from the start.
Shop around, it's okay and it takes time to find Miss Right. People date--it's the only way to keep yourself in circulation and find "the one."
Well, I've been in a new R for 4 years now. My ex has been gone over 6.5 years. I did date a few guys and felt NOTHING! Not even a twinge.
Josh made me feel the butterflies right off the bat. But I can't say I feel that all the time. I really DO feel that age and experience plays into that bigtime.
I am not sure I'd want to marry again. I'm quite content being on my own with a w/e BF. Works for us.
And there's a lot to be said for a calm, warm, loving R. One in which you slowly learn to trust. That's where I'm at. Someone who loves me for me. Who doesn't give me heartache or concerns. A comfort, a companion, a best friend.
Butterflies are overrated in my opinion. They don't usually last long.
Not much experience to input here as I am not even D'd yet. But I do find myself having feelings for someone- Butterflies, feeling shaky, the whole 9 yards but as far as being in a R with someone that I could trust I think it could take awhile as you know my story. I am only 32 and I do hope to find a man out there that will love me and my 5 kids but that will be quite a challenge I'm sure. But I think we reach a point to where the "fantasy" love while nice is not so much an important factor as it once was- we realized that we can love someone and it be true without having all those so called high school feelings. Those are great but well we all know that that does disappear with time anyway. My advice- what little I have to offer would be to listen to what your gut is telling you. It is usually right.
Love,Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Regarding whether your feelings are normal - I really am in no position to comment. I am as abnormal as they come.
Why not just accept that your thoughts/feelings are telling you "what is" as opposed to "what you want to hear." There is no one size fits all metrics when it comes to R's. pre-D or post D. There is no need to label yourself as damaged or otherwise.
Your thoughts/feelings are giving you feedback. Acknowledge them and respect them. Your thoughts/feelings will tell you what you want to hear when they see what your heart wants from an R.
As for the financial stuff, I talked to my C about that b/c I also don't want to deal with the financial risks associated with another M. He said the right person will not have a problem with signing a pre-nup.
Great question and great responses! I agree that it maybe has s/t to do with life experiences, healthy caution, and developmental issues. We'd be fools to not consider financial, legacy and inheritance issues at this point in life. It's very different to consider the chances of similar D losses in one's 40s than in one's 20s. I don't think it has to do with pessimism, but more to do with realism.
I can say this about being older. As an older male, I think its easier to find women who are more likely know themselves, be less materialistic, be peaking sexually, and be more stable than earlier in life. There are plenty of folks who are just as immature as they were in their 20s, or who are going thru some sort of MLC, but overall, my guesstimate is that odds are better now than latter for finding positive features along these dimensions.
Yet, these are qualities not likely to add to drama or butterflies or fireworks. Okay, the sexual peaking maybe. But overall, it is definitely a different phase in life.
Thanks for the great responses and sharing your insight.
As I sit here reading these posts it occured to me that possibly what I am remembering of the giddy, nervous dating pre D is because I may still believe that is how I'm "supposed" to feel. In a fairy tale, all is loving and kind and the sun always shines and all the ladies look gorgeous and all the men... well who cares about the men! Anyway, I thinking maybe I'm still caught up in some of the Hollywood illusion of what dating "should" feel like. Not to discount those special feelings, I just think I'm experiencing something different because I know the Hollywood, sweep someone off their feet thing isn't the norm. It happens I'm sure, but with the experiences, emotions and MUCH broader picture of life, I'm starting to think this is what I'm supposed to feel. (or not feel, depending on your view.)
There is a ton of good input here. From Althea's suggestion to simply date. Play the field so to speak, it's our / my time to be realistic and just see what happens. (thanks FiatLux!) NOT go into a R with reckless abandon and hope that the butterflies carry you through. BarbieDoll's thoughts about allowing yourself to feel the important aspects of calm, comfort and companionship are undoubtably more significant in the long run than butterflies, right out of the chute.
I also agree there is no one size fits all description for this quandry, it is simply different and by listening to our hearts and minds as a blended effort, we can sort through these "different" feelings. I'm still in process, but knowing me, the lightbulb will begin with a dull glow before it gets to full candlepower!
But I think we reach a point to where the "fantasy" love while nice is not so much an important factor as it once was- we realized that we can love someone and it be true without having all those so called high school feelings. Those are great but well we all know that that does disappear with time anyway.
I disagree. If you apply what you learned from DB to that new R, they don't have to disappear at all.
The D, forced me to refinance to share the equity in our home and put me into a mortgage that runs well past the normal retirement age. I realize this is all choices I made, but my mind keeps reminding me I can't afford to get D'd again and the best way to avoid that is to not get married. Conversely, I truely believe it will be difficult, knowing what I do about females, to have any kind of long term mutual relationship, if I'm heistant to take to the leap.
You must be a KLA member!!! Good point in response to Lisa's post and probably the mindset of others who may be reading along. We all want to beleive we can conquer all, with our DBing efforts, but the emotional scars can run quite deep. I'm sure they will heal and I'll continue to DB in ALL of my relationships going forward.
In regard to the pre-nup, I simply don't have experience and I haven't done any reseach. It sure makes sense as I am on the downhill side of my working career. At least I hope so! If the time comes be sure I will do my homework.
Other than your responses to the quotes do you have any insight to share in regard to the thread topic? Good or Bad? I would like to hear about your experience post D and dating.
Good point in response to Lisa's post and probably the mindset of others who may be reading along. We all want to beleive we can conquer all, with our DBing efforts, but the emotional scars can run quite deep. I'm sure they will heal and I'll continue to DB in ALL of my relationships going forward.
I wish I knew this stuff a long time ago. I give DB and "For Men Only"/"For Women Only" (along with a check) as gifts at all Weddings I go to. A M doesn't have to be like all the M jokes I'm sure you've heard. I've seen people who really are happy, both with and without kids.
Originally Posted By: MnSPD
In regard to the pre-nup, I simply don't have experience and I haven't done any reseach. It sure makes sense as I am on the downhill side of my working career. At least I hope so! If the time comes be sure I will do my homework.
Other than your responses to the quotes do you have any insight to share in regard to the thread topic? Good or Bad? I would like to hear about your experience post D and dating.
Just talk to a L about a pre-nup, though with the way contract are enforced these days, who knows if it will be worth the paper it is printed on.
As for insight... I don't think my sitch can lend any.
I'm still M and no papers are filed. I found this place because I had a WAW. She got that way because I guess, in hindsight, I was a WAH.
DB'ing has me to the point where I believe in it 100%, but now I'm starting to be a WAH again, for the same reasons I was originally. I may file. If I had a pre-nup, I would have already. Though reading threads by LBW, and talking to the numerous friends I've made here the last 2-3 years, helps keep me from doing so (I have 2 kids)
Anyway, I thinking maybe I'm still caught up in some of the Hollywood illusion of what dating "should" feel like. Not to discount those special feelings, I just think I'm experiencing something different because I know the Hollywood, sweep someone off their feet thing isn't the norm. It happens I'm sure, but with the experiences, emotions and MUCH broader picture of life, I'm starting to think this is what I'm supposed to feel. (or not feel, depending on your view.)