Well, since I've come close to locking my current thread, I thought I'd start up a new one. I also figured that it was time to switch rooms b/c my W has filed for D and she is bent on going through w/ it. Thus, I think I've graduated from the "Newcomers" area to the "Continue to DB after and during divorce" section.
Here is where you can find my last thread: last thread
I'll catch everyone up by saying my W served me on Feb. 5 w/ papers and then took D4 w/ her claiming she was physically, sexually, and emotionally afraid of me. I got to see D on Valentine's Day, but really I only get her overnight only a few times each week. My W has had D 75% of the time since she filed and she is resisting my efforts to get 50/50 joint custody.
Thus, I'm in a very "grey" mode w/ W and keeping all contact purely w/ my D as W is very, very hostile and angry. I have my 1st parenting evaluation appointment tomorrow, so I'll see how that goes as well as tonight's call to D. They are always an adventure as you never know if W is going to get on the phone.
I reckon that when my thread locks that I too should move on over here. Although, my W is not as venomous as yours is and there is still a chance she may try to win me back. BTW... Speaking of venomous - didn't you refer to the OM as "The Snake"?
Yes, OM is a snake. I know he has been behind her escalating her charges of being afraid of me and of me hurting us financially.
W frequently told me that OM constantly would ask "Are you ok? Do you think he's going to hurt you?" This is what has heightened her fear of me.
As for the finances, OM was one of the two "trusted and knowledgable" sources W ran our banking statements through. He told her I was severely mismanaging our money. So, he has also helped w/ her fear of being poor like she grew up.
I'm a bit nervous about today's meeting w/ the parenting evaluator, but I know as long as I'm being myself, telling the truth, and focusing on what is best for my D, everything will come out ok.
Ok, the meeting w/ the parenting evaluator went well. We hit it off very well and although we aren't supposed to have a personal rapport, I ended up talking basketball and coaching w/ him for 5-10 minutes after we finished. I'm guessing it can't hurt my cause, can it? Oh, yeah, he's the one who started the conversation, so I guess I'm in ok boots here.
The session was about an hour. I told him I'm hoping for 50/50 joint custody and joint parenting time, but if he decided I should get more, I'd be very excited and willing to do that. I also told him if he decided I should get less, then I wouldn't like it and it would be difficult to get over emotionally for me, but I'd abide by it b/c he's the expert and the goal is to do what is in the best interest of my D.
He had me detail our recent history so I had to bring out my concerns about the OM and the A, her depression, self-injuring herself, and her talk of suicide. I let him know that I can get over the fact she's moved on to another man's bed, but I can't allow her to take my D w/ her. I let them know about the three of them going out to dinner together and staying the weekend w/ him in his apartment. I also made sure to mention OM's dumping of my W for his 22-year-old student, and he made a note of that.
By the way, I was very proud that I was able to remain calm when I discussed OM and W and I didn't get angry or act jealous. In fact, I was pretty cool and focused on the "lessons my D is learning" and did admit that the A caused me great pain, but I realize W has to want to work on our M w/ me and she doesn't right now. I think I did pretty well and kept the focus off of my feelings mostly.
I admitted yelling at W. I took full responsibility for my actions. I told him I yelled at her on the phone the day after Thanksgiving b/c I was hurt to see her A was escalating. I didn't try to blame W too much and tried to steer away from her issues unless he asked (which he did). I don't think W will take any accountability for things which should continue to help me out.
I told him I never realized how unhappy she was until she told me in August and I've been working hard ever since. I informed him of my meeting w/ my parents to go over childhood issues about abandonment and control. I made sure to let him know that I'm planning on giving him the absolute truth to any question he asks regardless of how uncomfortable it may make me feel b/c I have nothing to hide and I need to know if I'm a good dad or not. If I'm not a good dad, I need to know why and then improve. He seemed to like what I said.
All in all, I felt good when I left and actually believed that there may be some small shot at me getting more than 50%. I have a 500 question true/false test to take in the upcoming weeks and I'm heading back to see him on Tuesday. I'll keep you posted then.
W sent an e-mail earlier asking what clothes to pack for D this weekend. I didn't tell her our plans, but was cheery and nice in the return e-mail.
She later sent one asking for me to put more of her "stuff" in the garage for her to have some of her "buddies" come and pick up. Ok, I'm not going to allow OM to be at my house, so I'll need to work w/ that one.
Anyway, I replied w/ "Hey that is weird b/c I was honestly thinking about how you needed the bed and dressers today too." I also said I'd help her load a truck and I hadn't thought about splitting any other furniture items right now, but asked her what she'd like to have from the house. I also made sure to remind her that I owed her money for some clothes she purchased for D to have w/ me. I did this to show I'm not withholding money from her, but she still owes me roughly $1100 from past money I've spent on her bills once she left. I'll probably never see it, but it is worth a try to leave a trail.
I think I can do a better job at handling her nicely right now and I'll only need to be "distant" when she's being really, really icy (which is usually daily).
Anyway, I'm in a decent place right now, except for the fact I have to grade papers and get up early to turn in grades tomorrow. Yuck. Oh, well. Spring Break is officially on as soon as my grades are in.
One last thing... I hope I didn't lose my friends out there by switching to this forum. I left the link in the old thread and I'm hoping they'll find me again. I really love and appreciate all of you guys.
RTL, I've been following, just mostly silent. I'm so glad to hear how well you are sounding now, how you are not letting your W have have any control over you, and it really sounds like the worst is over for you. You are not letting your fears take control, and have come to accept what happens, happens.
Anyways, keep posting. As therapeutic it is to journal here, it is also quite therapeutic to read it too.
RTL, it sounds like your first meeting went better than expected. Good job. I bet you would love to be a fly on the wall for when your W has her meeting with the evaluator. Especially if she gets asked some questions concerning her behavior.
500 true/false questions - that is going to take some time!
Do you know if the evaluator is going to ever talk with D4?
Good to hear from you. I hope I can keep giving you and others some insight that may help in your situations.
I still think about my W all the time and I have to fight back the negative, hurtful visions my brain wants to create about her and the OM, but it is getting easier.
I really believe that once the custody issue is finished, I'll be able to be far more emotionally stable and will be more consistent w/ GALing for myself.
I was pretty pleased w/ how well it went and I just hope I wasn't too critical of W's actions when I was discussing my concerns about her A, her depression, emotional stability, drinking and hurting herself. I tried to be affirming of her alleged feelings and even said something like this at one point "Eventhough I never had any clue about how my W was feeling, I'm not going to discount that she may have actually been afraid of me. It is very possible she was afraid of me, but I just didn't know it."
I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall when W goes into see him especially when/if they begin to discuss her A and other behaviors. I'm not sure how the topics will come out, but I'm pretty confident that W will continue to be in denial of her role in any of this and will not admit to any of her projection of feelings onto me. The beauty of this process is our evaluator is a forensic psychiatrist, so he's like a cop looking for any and all clues. I'm feeling pretty good that he'll sniff out W's hidden information.
I guess the saddest thing would be if this goes in my favor at all, W will be faced w/ moving again and some real emotional pain that I never wanted her to experience. I know I'll feel guilty about it, but I am continuing to remind myself that I have to take on the role of bad guy in her eyes for the short run in order to maintain what is best for my D in the long run. Also, I offered several times not to have to go through this process as long as we agreed on 50/50. W steadfastly refused and now she'll have to face the music.
D4 will be meeting w/ the evaluator w/ each of us separately and w/ the evaluator by herself. That will be scary for her and I hope she does ok.
I'll have two sessions and 3 hours in w/ the evaluator by 5 pm next Tuesday. I don't even think W has any sessions scheduled, so maybe that will also make me appear to be in a positive light w/ this situation.
