What do I do next?

[treesa2]

Can't say it any better than Ultreya did. She's dead on.
it CAN happen if you want it to. Ya just gotta relax about it... or even better "CHILL-Ax" as the 14 yr old kid says...

give it a shot... that would be yr 180.
tree

[SteveJ]

Thanks for the comments. But no. I'm not a box myself in kinda guy. I've re-made myself through several early career changes and role changes within my 22 year long IT career. So I see myself as somewhat pliable. I'm working on lightening up and being less serious.

Thanks again.

[janey]

Dear Dean,
I don't know whether this is any good, but have you thought of wining her and dining her? That could create more romantic moments. Especially if you don't normally do it, she would be bowled over. Also, she might have more energy for you in the middle of the day (if that is possible)....

[bluedogg]

Hiya Dean -

Can you give us a few specifics about your likes/hobbies/things you and W do together? It would be easier for us to give suggestions on how to rekindle some closeness and affection.

Do you two have regularly scheduled time to go out together and have fun? What do you like to do together? Are there things that you or she have "always wanted to do" but never gotten around to it? Travelling? Waterskiing? Night school? Music lessons? Antiquing?

It may be that your marriage needs to break out of it's constraints and take some fresh paths, or it could be that if YOU do that yourself it will change the dynamic and she will see you in a new light (which seems to me to be in the heart of divorce-busting).

You get my drift........speak up boy

the Dawg

[SteveJ]

Thank you all for your interest and help.

I've increased "dating" in all aspects. Wining and Dining and movies and flowers and cards and about everything I can think of.

We go to a lake most summer weekends where we stay over at our second home, entertain friends, and race sailboats.

We bought new bicycles to ride, but don't seem to get/take the time.

We have adopted a dog who we found out after the fact had apparently been abused and had some fear and agression issues. We have worked hard with him and are proud of his new found confidence and affectionate behavior.

The house I bought to restore before our marriage is now for sale, a deposit has been put down on a wooded lot and a home plan has been settled on.

The trip to Scotland for our fifth aniversary is only a couple weeks off and still being planned.

The physical relationship shows marked improvement in the past two weeks, though it was non existent for the two weeks before that. I'm trying to deal with the ongoing on and off cycle, but it's a bit much when dealing with the deceptions, the affairs and the long term sexual frustration while trying to build a future and wondering if it's only going to turn out to be good for her.

While she feels things are so much better, I'm still feeling abandonded much of the time and insecure the rest. My emotions lag behind changing conditions. When combined with the history of an on and off physical relationship this makes it hard to remain positive. About the time I feel an improvement, it's gone again for two weeks. I feel the "gone" much faster and much more accutely then I do the "return." I'd compare it to running up a credit card debt, struggling to pay it down, only to run it up again. You never get ahead.

Issues that only she can resolve do not seem important enough to get attention. A Dr. appointment that was delayed a month because she did not have time to make one. A desirable internal job change that was a shoe in, but went without a formal response for several weeks. She complains that she never gets enough sleep but she never gets ready for bed any earlier.

I know that all I can do is work on me. Make myself and better person and partner. But that will only go so far. It's only half of the solution. That's why I'm asking what to do next.

I do not claim to understand why she needs the gestures she needs. I just make sure that I make them on a regular basis. She admits that she does not understand why I need what I need. It ends about there.

[janey]

Dear Dean,
I booked a telephone session with Vernetta when I did not know where to turn. It was the most profoundly helpful thing I have done to date, because....well, I don't know why, it just was! She understands human nature so amazingly. As I said, it was the best money I have ever spent. She was able to explain to me some negative aspects of my own personality which were driving him away. I hold onto everything she said still. Just a thought for you.........

[einstein]

Dean,

Glad to see you hanging in there! This is probably much rougher than getting her back was huh?

I will mention some stuff just in case you need a reminder...

Try your best to ignore or not be driven by what W lacks in the 'sexual' arena... Even IF you are not directly 'punishing' or resenting what you are not getting I assure you it is coming out indirectly... W has done much to be where she is now AND part of why you got to the brink no doubt is rooted in this 'sexual' issue...

REALIZE that more of the same will NOT work -YOU need to come up with something different that YOU can do and that YOU control -- OK!!!

I would suggest a good beginning would be to reward/acknowlege W when she get's it right no matter how small the right is that she does...



E.

[SteveJ]

Einstein!

I appreciate that light weight hammer, and that your advice is still available. Yes. This continues to be a very hard task. I think I have everything on the fire now, if a head of steam does not result... Well then I'll pile the neighbor's stuff on the fire. There is only one acceptable outcome and that is success. Yes I try new things. Did this evening with a positive result. Will continue. The problem I have to get over is the tentativeness and timidity that I feel after five years of mess and two affairs. I still feel third string but I'm playing it to the hilt.

Dean

[davis]

Did your wife have a low sex drive with the OM in the two affairs she had. Was the secrecy of the affairs the aphrodisiac she needed to feel passion. What ENs did the affairs fulfill . It sounds like your wife is using the excuse of a low sex drive for not having sex that often. Did she use this excuse when she was having the affairs.

[SteveJ]

I'd say the sex drive was pretty low in the first afair since it was emotional and non-physical in nature.

W says it has been a prblem for her in previous relationships.

Not so in the second. Laced with fantasy, supported mainly by telephone, with a single one night stand in a hotel. The guy was a Mr. Smooth who knew how to play her.

This string was started over two weeks of June/July that passed with almost no physical expression of affection at all. A Hug was hard to come by. The past three weeks have been.. Well... Surprisingly wealthy in every way. I'd like to get used to this.

Tomorrow the W will see an endocrinologist. Perhaps that will make an additional contribution.