My near WAW did not walk out with the OM after I DBd my heart out with the support of several people here. Again, thanks.
Now, while W believes things are much better in our marriage, I do not. For me, the relationship is more frustrating than before her two affairs were exposed. In part this comes from the knowledge that while I was having to tolerate sexual frustration and denial for five years, she was investing herself in relationships with other men. And in part it comes from her apathy toward addressing the problem of her low sex drive. She posted a message two months ago seeking help with her low sex drive. She was given advice which included seeing a Doctor. She has not done so. She has been "too busy" to do so.
Our counselor gave us a series of nine questions to work through. It took me half an hour. In the same two months, she has yet to complete the nine questions.
She knows that sexuality has been an issue for five years. She knows that I now feel that I am playing third string. She says she wants to remain married to me and have a monogomous future. Yet she still thinks making love once every seven to ten days is alright, that simply not responding like some log is normal, and that I should not expect her to become arroused when I seem tentative.
Tentative? Our counselor has told me that I should not try to initiate intimacy. What kind of M is this?
My needs are being ignored and dismissed and I am about out of tolerance. My life is insufficient. With the more open communication that has come out of all this, the lack of the W initiative in addressing this only makes it all worse.
She admits chasing the OM. She only hugged me once in the past week.
Dean, Gee, that's a difficult one. I'm not so sure what to suggest. It seems that she knows there is a problem, but choses to ignore it.
What would happen if things were to stay the way they are? Would you still want to stay married?
You could tell her that she needs to at least make an effort if she wants to stay married.That you need her to fill out the form your counselor gave her and to see a doctor for tests.
Of course if she refuses you would have to make the choice whether or not you could live with things the way they are or not.
I think your counselor was remiss in not seeing that she followed through on the questionaire.
Just my opinion...Hopefully somebody else has some more insightful advice for you.
I don't know how old your W is but it could be the low sex drive is hormonal. She really does need to see a doctor and have things checked out. It does look like she realizes she has a problem but she is choosing to ignor it. I wish I could offer you some advice but I just don't know what to tell you. I can tell you are frustrated and don't know what to do. You have to decided just how much you can take. Everyone has a "breaking point". You have to decide how long you can "live" like you are. I know nagging and pushing your W to do something will only make things worse and push her farther in then opposite direction. If you really and truly love her and want this M to survive then you have to continue C (if you feel it is helping) and just show her everyday in everyway that you do love her,care about her and that you want to have a loving happy R with her. I hope there is someone on this board that can help you. I can and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! pfroglady
I have given this advice before so bear with me "veteran" piecers. Make yourself as physically attractive to her as possible. This works for several reasons: 1) Your confidence will soar. 2) Women are "visual" too. 3) Your W will notice other women noticing you.
Thanks for your advice. W made her Dr. appointment today. Kind of ironic. I would like it to help, but I appreciate that such a simple effort is at least being made.
Make myself attractive. I'm 47, 6'1" and 175 pounds. I still have all my hair and very little is grey. Women notice me. Every business trip I take I'm approached. No. I don't accept. I have always treated it as a compliment and thanked them before explaing that I'm happily married. I'm not sure I can carry off the happily since the affairs were exposed. It'd be pretty artifical.
I'm a quite computer systems analyst/designer, so I'm the thinking type. Too serious. Rarely laugh. All of this is made greater when I'm under stress and the W has had me stressed with sexual frustration for five years.
Hey Dean, Just reading through your thread and this stuck out...
you said: "I'm a quite computer systems analyst/designer, so I'm the thinking type. Too serious. Rarely laugh. All of this is made greater when I'm under stress and the W has had me stressed with sexual frustration for five years."
Seems that there is a ton of material here for some really nice 180's... what do ya think???
True, there are opportunities for me to do 180s. But the 180s you prpose are more personaity changes than behavioral changes and so will be much more difficult. How does one become less serious? More humorous? These are not the behaviors we do 180s on. This is more who one is. Still I can work toward these changes as well.
But the ongoing denial of intimacy rips the guts right out of the very emotinal self that would feed such an effort.
I've been contemplating the Big D myself now for the past six weeks after having fought so hard to prevent it before.
The W is happy. Things are better. For her. All that has changed for me is that I know much more of what she is capable of doing. And none of that is helpful.
I need SOME fulfillment to be able to go on. A couple hugs, and one instance of love making over 15 days does not even register.
I know the feeling so well, my ex-wife became to woman I always wanted and I became the man she did after we D'd. Now we are dating and trying to piece this mess back together, it's not a cake walk by any means of the word. But we are trying each and evveryday. Just last night as we sat on the porch of our home (she has an apt.) she said something that hit me deep. That in her next relationship or this one if it makes, that she feels she should recieve attention and affection and not have to give it to get it... I said that seem to me to be selfish, and that she shouldnt exspect to get any more from and R than she was willing to give. She comment was well that what its going to be like for me from now on, I gave all for 20 yrs now its my turn. Hmmmmm... She up and left in a fit and I took a ride. She called this morning and appologized. In all this I suggest to you to keep your head high, make the best of what you have at the moment, let GOD work his magic on her. I feel in time with you and my sitch. that things will come around from you being a better loving, caring and apprecitive man. I think things will just have to grow and mature on their own so to speak. Let it ride and enjoy each good moment you can, let the bad roll off your back and keep your focus on your hopes and dreams.... DO NOT LET YOU HARD WORK FAIL!!!!
Dean, You seem to have put yourself into that cramped box of " that's just the way I am... I can't change... I have no control..."
I find it odd that we as humans so readily accept the notion that our partners, friends, family, coworkers, employees... whoever... can and do change "for the worse"..."they've become a different person".... but are skeptical when anyone tries or talks about making changes in a positive direction... we think it's not possible.
IMHO the line between behavior and personality is very fine if there really is one. You say you are quiet and a thinker... I was too, still am to a degree. But I forced myself out of that comfort zone and started learning how to initate converstation and keep it going. I think it is more about self-image and confidence than a hard line personality trait.
As far as the 180's go... I truley think this is what Michele writes about... doing anything different sometimes will get noticed. And if there are things you would like to change... then do it... slowly. Feelings follow actions.
Maybe I'm off base, but I am hearing that you feel that things would progress faster if you could just get more physical intimacy into the mix. I can relate to this (going on 20 months without myself...ouch)... but I'll be darned if I'm gonna let myself stay stuck in that trap "if only". Like it or not... this will not play out on our time tables.
What makes you laugh... think hard... find the humor in situations even if you have to dig really deep. Next time you would normally clam up or stay quiet or get mad... find something/anything funny and laugh out loud.
There are a zillion books on how to start and contribute to casual chit chat. And one of my all time favorites for learning how to speak someone else's love language... things you can say or do to let someone else know they are loved is, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
I don't know all your background and I am sorry if I am comming down too hard... it just seems that your vision has become a little tunneled. What I love about this board is that we all try to help each other and not just keep telling each other what we want to hear.
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