It sounds like you pretty much keep things together at your house in just about every way-I have been reading your posts for a long time now and unless I'm mistaken, no matter what your W does, you do not get ANGRY. Just an observation, but I don't think ander is all that bad when used constuctively-It can be a real motivater to make change happen. I am NO expert at any of this-I'm just trying to figure out how to not let my emotions run all my actions-you know I'm an emotional girl! I read on one of your posts to T-Bone about Behavior dictating feelings. Could you elaborate on that some please? I need to do some 180's, and its hard.Oh, you can do them ,but keeping at it is the hard part-even when it brings positive action from H. My feelings and fears, and anxiety get all tangled up, and I act on all that without being able to stop sometimes. He knows how much I want and need him. It's a fine line between detaching and ditancing at least for me. He hates it when I distance, and hates it when I'm needy. I've found out this never stops-I have to keep reading and posting for support and knowledge.
Gol-durn-it Andy, I don't have the gorilla suit for ya....Let's try a chicken suit instead? I can run around tossing feathers going "bak" "bak" til you either laugh or the police remove me from the premisis (sp)...
Once again, a example that again points out how similar the dynamics of our situations. I to, feel like I'm in a vicious cycle of wanting to say something about my desires, but not wanting to force something that may be against hers. I don't want to pressure her and risk having her look elsewhere for "more agreeable" companionship. Never the less, the things I want to say need saying.
Finding the balance it the key, knowing how hard to push, how far to go, how to read when it's ok.
You spoke to me when you mention that W may think you mad because you are usually sad when you bring stuff up. I do that. Hadn't really noticed, but it's there. So an emotion, a negative emotion, gets projected. Hmmm. Gotta watch that.
ANS, You may not be mad at her, but when I read your thread, I sometimes am. I feel like shaking her and telling her to wake up and be concerned about you and not just herself! I almost would like to see you get mad at her. Maybe I just feel a little too much empathy, huh?
Sorry you're feeling blue Andy. Hope you find something that works for you soon. I'm not sure how to help so I will just send warm thoughts for now. 2L
Andy: You say she does what she wants and when that includes you, you get a babysitter. How about approaching her more, flirty, sexy, romantic...to lighten the mood and stress you feel from everyday life and your son? What is she seeking that you can still give her? I think that is why there is a rut...and this is not BAD!!!! How do you create the dance so that she dances only with you more and more?
I agree with CG. You are a wonderfully creative, sensitive, and intelligent guy, Andy. I bet you could ferret out a surprise for her that wouldn't be too much. It might be something tiny that just would mean a lot to her. Something light, pleasant, happy and most of all engaging.
Romance is out. Ya just hafta see her reaction when I try that. I do some light flirting, and sometimes she finds it funny. Other times, she just pulls away. It really depends on how much pressure she’s feeling.
Which brings me to what she’s seeking that I can still give her. Space. The kids are all over her and she can’t say no. She bends over backwards to meet their emotional needs. D#2 is very adept at emotional blackmail. W hates it, but cedes to it.
After a day of giving bike rides, cuddling, conversing, etc. etc. etc. with the kids, it seems like she’s all “affectioned out.” She often takes off by herself, or with MF just to get some space between her and her family.
Sometimes my needs are just another leach hanging off of her. (sigh)
BTW, lest people start getting mad at W for thinking of herself first, she's only trying to strike a balance between her family responsibilities and herself. I may make it sound like she has no time for me, but that's not true.
I just need some one-on-one for which she hasn't enough time or energy.
Okay Andy this sounds really hokey and plus it is no way still meeting your needs, but maybe through something like this, something else positive some out of it. What about a spa package for a day? You silently acknowledge her needs without her physically withdrawing from you. MF should not be the recipient of those needs...you should. There has to be an angle somewhere. I know you're tired...don't give up.
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