Balance

[ANS]

Many months ago, W told me that she’d been dissatisfied with OR for several years. Everything in OR had to be done my way. To counteract this, she detached in the finest DB tradition. When I wanted her back, she insisted that she was forced to find things for herself to make her happy. She wasn’t willing to give any of this up for me. She said that I should do the same.

So I did (to the best of my depression fogged abilities).

We entered a period of parallel living.

Well, W has deigned to allow me into her life some more, but now it seems like things must be done her way.

When she told me that I always controlled OR, she specifically stated that she didn’t want to “take turns” being in control, but in practical terms, that’s what’s happening.

This is the new order. The new balance.

Of course, the last ten years haven’t been so black and white. Nor is the new order.

But, man! I’m sure feeling black right now.

I’m feeling pretty glum right now, so I really don’t want suggestions, my friends. Just sorta chronicling so that when I’m feeling a bit better, I can refer back and figure out if this is as good as it gets.

Andy

[matilda]

Andy,

Stay cool Hugs and kisses. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Matilda

[Duchess]

Chronicle away my friend.
Please though when you do need suggestions..let us know. You are always there for us.

Duchess

[Wilma]

((((Andy))))

Holler when you need something from us besides a place to hang your thoughts!

wilma

ANS,
Congratulations on your Brown Belt!

Sorry you're feeling down. ((((((ANS))))))

rayanne

[ANS]

Still just hanging my thoughts but I wish I could hang myself.

I'm not falling back into depression, but if W knew my thoughts, she'd be convinced of it.

I just don't know!

Things just aren't going my way. I really want closeness but W is withdrawing. Going on walks alone... outings with friends (I'm optional).

The other night, I wanted intimacy. She didn’t have the energy for it. But when we were invited out, she had enough energy for that.

At the end of next week, we’re going to in-laws. W on her motorcycle. Her cousin on his motorcycle. MF on his motorcycle. I drive the van (with kids, MF’s W). I’m not mad. I know that this is the only way we can do it, but this isn’t going to be the most fun I’ve ever had.

It's a vicious circle. I'm trying to find ways to express my desires but can't think of how to do it without going against hers. So, she thinks I'm mad. She asks me about it, and I daren't tell her how I feel.

So, she doesn’t want to be around someone who’s perpetually mad at her.

I think she’s fretting about my anger. She isn’t sleeping. Dunno if I’m the cause.

Last night, I asked her for “intimacy.” and she said, “Can you please not ask me again for a couple of days?”

This morning, I asked her if she’s going to get a doctor’s appointment. She said, “I don’t know.” Translation: “No, and don’t ask again.”

I know all of this sounds like some major backsliding, and some people will just tell me to back off.

But it’s not right. It’s not right that we can’t be open.

This post rambles a lot. Sorry.

Sometime, I’m going to have to suck it in, and get this stuff out in the open. But I have no idea of how to do it w/o alienating W, and possibly hearing a lot of things I don’t want to hear.

Oh well, gotta go home now.

Andy

[Ultreya]

Hey Andy,
Sorry you are feeling a little low... it happens. (I don't mean that in a flippant way at all...)

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I care. I find a great deal of comfort in that... that there are others out "there" and on this bb that understand and accept.

Hang in there,

U

[Jamesjohn]

Andy - Sorry you're feeling so down.

I know that you aren't looking for suggestions, so I'm not going to give you any. I also know that you don't like, or need, for people to walk on eggshells around you, so I want to give you a perspective from someone who lives with a spouse that suffers their gray days, too.

PLEASE keep in mind that these are only perspectives, and are just some food for thought!

"When she told me that I always controlled OR, she specifically stated that she didn’t want to “take turns” being in control, but in practical terms, that’s what’s happening."

Just as you aren't in control of how you're feeling, and how frustrated this may make you feel, she may also feel the same thing. SHE may also have a feeling of helplessness, of "loss of control" on your down days.

"It's a vicious circle. I'm trying to find ways to express my desires but can't think of how to do it without going against hers. So, she thinks I'm mad. She asks me about it, and I daren't tell her how I feel."

I've often felt my wife was mad at me, too. It was a pretty hard thing to learn how to not take it personal. It often upset (and still upsets) me when my wife has not told me what she was feeling when she was blue. It was like she took the choice away from me, and shut herself down from me. Not a good way to get closer.

"So, she doesn’t want to be around someone who’s perpetually mad at her."

Are you REALLY mad at her? Or is this what she may be perceiving because she feels you're hiding things from her?

"Sometime, I’m going to have to suck it in, and get this stuff out in the open. But I have no idea of how to do it w/o alienating W, and possibly hearing a lot of things I don’t want to hear."

Give her a chance. Start opening up to her, slowly, about non-OR stuff, and go from there.

Give her a chance. She may be ready to handle more than you think. I've found the "walking on eggshells" scenario can work both ways!

Again, my friend, this is all said with much love!!

JJ

ANS,
I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. ((((((ANS))))))

rayanne

[ANS]

Thanks gang,

JJ,

I understand what you say about perspectives. I had a thread called "struggling with perceptions". I think that a large part of DBing isn't so much changing ourselves as changing our behavior to change perceptions.

Yeah. We do change. But a lot of it is about changing our behavior to be consinstent with the "real" us.

And. No. I'm not really mad at her. You're right on about her perception. I've never really got mad at her. However, when I wanted more from her, I was sad. She took this as laying a guilt trip on her. My first major 180 was to stop making demands on her - especially in an emotionaly way.

We've come a long way in opening up to each other. We started with non-OR stuff but seem to be stuck there.

Considering the size of our family and our son's handicap, there's not much to "open up" about that doesn't involve OR.

Even time to ourselves involves OR. How do we spend our time? I want to spend some of it alone together. She wants to spend time away from family pressures. I've tried so hard to stop being lumped into that category.

So now, we've struck a balance. She does what she wants. When that includes me, we get one of the older kids to babysit. Otherwise, I take care of the kids.

Gotta run now. W just got home.

Andy