Balance

[ANS]

Super stuff happening over on Zebra's thread. Hafta post some of it here. Fits with what we've been discussing.

quote:Originally posted by Zebra on She said she'll try to work on the marriage:

I don't think she was keeping secrets per se. She was just avoiding the hassles of arguing over it. Seems like she doesn't feel the need to do this any more.

You've got that exactly right, Andy. Avoiding hassles.... Avoiding conflict. The most destructive pattern in our entire marriage, from day one.

That is exactly what I really mean about 'secrets'. Secrets that she keeps to avoid hassles, conflict. Secrets that eat at her, that when they are finally allowed to come out are devasting, and even worse so when they don't come out. Then add to that the "assumption" that I will react "as I did in the past", or as her father "acted in the past", and you have the three things that I told C I dislike most, and the reasons I dislike them.

I think this is big progress, and made with simple effort.

What I take away is that pretty much all I had to do was state it and then make it "safe" by not reacting badly to the news she was so fearful to deliver. I did really good in this regard.

Oh, there's another thing the C asked today. I told her this story, and she asked how I really felt about her seeing him. I've been working on this for a long time, because I have come to know that I have no say, I have no control in her contact. It is all up to her, her choice. I told this to the C, that I believed any pushing I did would simply push her away and closer to him. I asked and she agreed to read the Infidelity section of DR. I said I had stated my feelings, and my wishes, that I'd prefer she didn't see him socially, and that any contact with him made me uncomfortable. I told the C that otherwise, as far as she seeing him, "it's none of my business". C admired that answer, and corrected me on one thing... that I can't push her any closer to him, as I can not pull her any closer to me. It's all her choice.

C also asked if I ever say OM. I said sure, at least once a week we cross paths in the fitness/tennis club. C expressed some small admiring astonishment at my control...



z

quote:Originally posted by ANS on She said she'll try to work on the marriage:

quote:

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Originally posted by Zebra:
What I take away is that pretty much all I had to do was state it and then make it "safe" by not reacting badly to the news she was so fearful to deliver. I did really good in this regard.

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Make it safe! I love it, Z! I think that this is the piece that’s missing from so many people who are trying to piece their M together!

It’s the next step after acting as-if.

You go dark, act as-if it doesn’t bother you, etc. But then what? Well, you do those things until it doesn’t bother you (or at least until it’s manageable), but if you stop there, your S will always wonder if you’re just swallowing it. At this point, it stays buried and festers.

So the next step is to make it safe.

My W saved money for almost a year in order to buy a motorcycle. She left “hints” around, but didn’t dare bring it up, and I didn’t get the hints (duh). So when she could no longer keep it from me, she fully expected me to try to stop her. She didn’t use much finesse when she told me about it, and I was floored. Not because of what she did, but the fact that she felt it necessary to do it behind my back.

She didn’t feel safe.

I told her what I thought about her methods and proceeded to plan how we could pay for a bike. In other words, I did exactly what you did, Zebra. I stated my feelings and then made it safe.

This was a turning point in my R. By making this one issue safe, I opened the doors to other issues. She feels safer to bring up things, and no longer assumes that I’ll block her road to happiness.

And that, my friend, is precicesly why I think your handling of her “secrets” is an huge step forward in your R.

You say you made big progress with simple effort. Yeah. It was simple in a sense, but all of the elements had to be lined up, or it wouldn’t have worked. You still had to do the groundwork waaaaaaaaaaaay back when, didn't you?

And, the trust thing! Yeah. Makes sense. It comes under the category of things you have to change about yourself, doesn't it? Only you can make yourself trust someone!

Sheesh! It's so simple. But simple isn't the same thing as easy, is it?

This stuff fits nicely into a discussion over on my thread. Gonna paste it in there.

TTFN,
Andy

I think one can go to much the other way too.
I let H know everything that was bothering me.
When he didn't respond in the way I wanted, I wasn't always real kind. That didn't exactly make him want to share more. In retrospect, I don't know where my brain was at. I have taken about a million psychology classes. I should have known better.

[lily]

Hi, Andy!

I posted on Hurting Badly's thread # 5 over on the MLC forum.

Please read her response.

I value your take on it. Thanks!!!

[ANS]

You're absolutely right, Rayanne. It's a matter of balance isn't it?

quote:Excerpt from DivorceBusting:

The worst advice a newlywed couple could be given is: “It is important to be open and honest with your feelings at all times.” Although the open expression of feelings is a prerequisite for any successful marriage, there are definitely is a time and place for it. Intense feelings often cloud perceptions, making clear assessments of problematic situations difficult.

Yep

[RMC]

In working with our therapist, we do alot of mirroring. It's the most non-natural thing to do- leave your country, and totally go over to your spouses country-see things as they see them-not that you can but when you are out of your country and in theirs, you do not think of you and what you are going to say nest-you are totally focusing on what they are telling you and by mirroring validating that they are being heard. It's a gift you give each other. It takes thought and practice to doit outside of counceling, but it is basically a listening skill-its works. You do feel validated and heard but only when they are guinually in YOUR country. Make sense?

[ANS]

As Rayanne would say...

quote:Originally posted by rayanne:
Yep

[Wilma]

Andy, just wanted to stop by and thank you for your insights on depression over in Bedrock. It has helped me so much -- and is oddly comforting. I think it's helpful to a lot of people since depression is so easily misunderstood.

If you get a chance, could you stop by sweet orange's place and give her a male's perspective on her sitch? She's got it together, really, but she could use some more POVs from the other gender! (I know it helps me!)

Thanks again, Andy!

wilma

[calendargrl]

Andy:

I need your sage advice. Can you visit for a minute? Major question?? Thanks!! It means alot...
Nicole

[calendargrl]

Thank you andy for your advice!