"I'll think about it tomorrow!"

[matilda]

Well, my previous thread ("Still getting over it") was way over the 100 mark, so here I go again.

Please read my previous threads for full background. Briefly, H had an A which ended last June. He came to me and told me about it on Oct.1st. At that time he also told me he'd had an A 15 years ago. So there I was rocking and reeling, were these words really coming out of my H's mouth? I would have bet my life that my H wouldn't have been a cheater and, yet, according to him not only was he capable of it, he'd done it twice! Basically, he wanted it all out in the open because it was eating him alive, making him physically ill. He just couldn't live with it anymore. He didn't want a D, didn't want to run away with the OW. He realized he'd made a life-altering mistake and wanted to try to make things right. We went into counseling immediately and have continued to this day. H has done absolutely everything he should and could do, and more. He tells me he loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me. How can I not believe him? I see the torment in his eyes, the fear, the same and humilation. These are not the emotions of a man who doesn't love his W. He has never tried to blame me for the A. He came to me, took full responsiblity for his actions, and asked me to forgive him. I am trying to do just that.

I am still occassionally tortured by my own thoughts and visualizations of my H's A. I think I am the one impeding a completely successful reconcilliation because it is so hard to "get over it." I've gotten a lot of help and support from so many wonderful people here. What would I have done without you all.

So right now I'm at the point of trying to live in the moment (thanks Lily) while incorporating Scarlet O'Hara's famous line, "I don't want to think about that now. I'll think about it tomorrow." Hence the title of my new thread. I'm finding that the combination of the two is a blockbuster!! When unpleasant thoughts creep in I push them aside with "I'll think about that tomorrow," so that leaves me free to live in the moment/moments of love and happiness with my H. One of these days I know I'll have to think about it. I'll sit down and let my mind run rampent, let those nasty thoughts and images out of the cage that is my mind, and then close the door again until the next visitation day.

I suppose my next visitation day will be with MC on Friday. Until then just call me Scarlet



Matilda

[healedbutscarred]

Dear "SCARLETT", LOVE THE NEW THREAD!! You are doing GREAT so keep going the way you are and things will just get better and better!! I am at a point now where the thoughts don't come as often and now when they do I just "go with them". I let them kind of flow through my mind and then I tell myself, "He is here with me,he loves me,he never loved that B**CH,she's a LOSER,I'm a winner and there is no way a meaningless A with a B**CH IN HEAT is going to make my life unhappy anymore!!" Hey,it works for me!! Anyway,the thoughts will probably come and go throughout the years but they can't hurt me unless I allow them to. It may have been the wrong thing to do but I somehow managed to transfer the "ANGER" I was feeling from my H to the B**CH. That seemed to help me when dealing with the thoughts I was having. I know,I know I should be angry with my H but you know being angry at him was only impeding progress in our R. Being angry wasn't accomplishing anything. Letting him see the EXTREME HURT was far more effective than ANGER. So I can call her all kinds of names and think all kinds of nasty,mean,rotten and dirty things about her and it makes me feel better and keeps me from saying negative things to my H. Anyway,got things to do this morning so need to get off here. Matilda,er I mean SCARLETT take care,keep posting,keep moving forward, and remember,that like your "namesake", YOU ARE A STRONG,VIBRANT,BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!!!!!!!!
Pfroglady

[lily]

Morning, Matilda!

Good start to your new thread; lots of PMA in the title!

Matilda, you and I seem to show the two perspectives of the aftermath of an Affair. This has got to help somebody, right?

Please give me your take on the following. Back in February I had to draw a boundary around the ow. We were on a trip and I wanted to clarify something. It just didn't sit right w me that H and ow had done all their trysts at the work site. She just looks to high maintenance to settle for not having moola spent to impress her. H said something like "we've talked about this and you just have to go back; take me back to the murder scene." I felt bad for making him feel bad. I managed to stay away from ow topic until this past weekend (12 weeks-not bad). He anwsered questions until I hit on the when and where and he became angry. He said he never discussed sex w me to anyone nor will he discuss sex w anyone else w me. He meant the grafics. He also used that term murder again.

Matilda, was he telling me that each time they had flesh in flesh he was killing his love for me? I just don't get it and can't ask him to explain what he was talking about. Another thing he's said a couple of times was w reference to dogs chasing cars. "I don't do that anymore"---what did he mean?

Here's the biggie. Since his boundary being thrown up around this can I think of her reawaking his passion. Matilda, it is affecting me when I seek intimacy w him. He is very responsive w me but there's something missing. I guess he put his passion "in the can" w ow.

As time passes, do you think that he will (can) become passionate w me again? I mean in that he will see me and think "I WANT this" or will I probably have to settle for that calmer, mature,
sort of love-making? This was hard to ask.

He's 50. During the summer when he was conflicted by dealing w two women he had some trouble w me. He told me that he sometimes had the same problem w ow. In December, I tried to challenge him to be the one to get things going and he told me not to push it (I realize now he was going through withdrawal from her). Physically he seems better. He tends to fake orgasms (he's an actor, remember) and I find myself insecure. Is that due to him not 'loving' me. Is it due to his age? I just am so embarrassed asking this stuff. He has to go for a physical and that's a good time to set him up for blood work (check his testosterone).

If I'm smart I will stop thinking about the above and just slowee slowee work toward my goal of intertwining H and me into a strong R.

More developements on my thread (not scarey stuff this time). I'll be asking advice. Would appreciate your imput.

[ANS]

Love your new digs, Mattie. Exhudes PMA.

I remember when I first visited one of your threads. Baby, you’ve come a long way!

I think your two-fold “blockbuster” will serve you well. Seems like you’ve been trying to “get over it” for awhile, and there’s nothing you can actively do to facilitate that. Like pfroglady says:

quote:Originally posted by pfroglady:

Anyway,the thoughts will probably come and go throughout the years but they can't hurt me unless I allow them to.

So, you just shelf the bad thoughts, change the moment, live in the moment, and voila! Another bad moment has passed. And after a time, the memory of the bad moment fades into the past.

TTFN,
Andy

[matilda]

Hi, Gang.

Well, I think this new "I'll think about it tomorrow" thing is just what I needed to really move forward, and I think I've figured out why.

In the past when I'd tell myself to just not think about it all, it doesn't matter, it's in the past, etc., my over-analyzing logical brain would balk at that idea and MAKE me think about it all the time. Now, if I conjole myself with, "Hey, I just don't want to think about it NOW, but I will think about it later. I'll think about it tomorrow," I've satisfied that part of my brain that needs to pick things apart -- "Okay, well as long as I can think about it tomorrow I'll let it go for now." Make sense? Sure seems to make sense to me, cuz it's been a lot easier to stop the bad thoughts lately.

I do need a little advice. Last night during a fun and friendly exchange with H in the kichen while tearing up tile off the floor, I said to him, "Are you afraid of me?" I'm not sure what made me say that. I can't remember if it was a look or a word or just what it was that triggered that statement. H replied, "Yes, a little." I asked him why. He said, "Because you have all the power." I told him that I didn't want all the power; that I wanted us to be equal partners in the M. He said that he doesn't see it that way, right now; that the pendulum has swung way out of gilter with me being way on top with all the power over him, and him being all the way at the bottom. I didn't say anything else about it, dropped it. Just gave him a hug and a kiss and went on my way.

What I'd like is some advice about how to even out this power thing. I believe this is the thing that keeps H a little distant from me -- waiting to see how I'll use that power. Maybe it has to do with him feeling I really have forgiven him. I'm not sure it will be as easy as that, though. He is being very hard on himself over this. I know he hasn't forgiven himself. I'm not sure he will ever completely forgive himself.

So if anyone has any suggestions for me, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Mattie

[lily]

Matilda,

H and my conflicts began 14 years ago over a stupid power play re our fianances. Both of us wanted to decide how to handle/control the savings.

Another time, between Nov and Feb we ran our Credit card up to 3K. H's perception has me doing this. I charged 1 k on Christmas, he charged the rest.

I tore up my credit card and zeroed the bill. I stopped confering w H re how we should spend money. He used to say "budget the luxuries" first. The money was spent on him and kids and the day care, not me.

I'v done my own little "christmas club" for
a long time now. Orignally, I set money aside so our kids would have a good material Christmas. Then H wanted money for him as well. The system worked.

Bomb fell in Sept. Nov found me still not knowing if ow was in the wings. As a major 180 I brought every nickel of our christmas money and gave it to H. He was stunned. He wanted to know how to divy it up. I told him anyway he wanted. He told me that I made him feel very powerful.

I have continued to let him call the shots re our finances. He was spending like crazy for awhile there but I understand why he needed instant gradification. I think he realizes now that material stuff isn't going to make him feel better.

I posted this am about our daughter's graduation gift. It is going to be hard for me but I'm going to let him have the power in determining her gift $ here.

So, is there some area of your R that you have the control. Can you give it to him. One that will cost you, Wilma. One in which you are signaling that you don't have to be right.

By the way, not to long ago H told me that I'm better w the finances than he is, my way is better. (Pyric victory)

[ANS]

IMHO, your H's concept of "strong" is the same as what you expressed on your last thread. you have moral superiority over him, and he can't change that.

You could behave in an abhorrent manner, and after what he did, there's nothing he could say about it.

Don't know what you can do about it, Mattie. It's his issue, and he has to deal with it. All you can do is to behave in such a way that you don't perpetuate those feelings.

In other words, don't act in a way that can be construed as superior.

In his mind, the pendulum has swung the other way. Don't push it back. Just dampen it, and it'll slow down faster.

Andy

[matilda]

Andy,

I was afraid you were going to say that . And, yes, it is the moral superiority that H sees as making me more powerful. Also, he feels his future is in MY hands. Whatever I decide to do, he has no control over. If I left him, he would feel that is what he deserved and had no one to blame but himself. He feels I have power and control because no one else knows about what he did -- not the kids, not our parents, not our friends. According to him, I can decide at any moment to destroy his world by telling everyone what a horrible person he is. That's a lot of power and control to have handed over to someone.

I guess I just have to make him realize that I do not want to destroy him. I love him too much to inflict that kind of pain on him. I want him to understand that his future is my future. I won't do anything to jeopardize that.

Lily,

I'm not sure if there is anything in our R that my handing over to H would constitute giving him more power and control. I've handled the finances all along -- H doesn't want anything to do with it. He doesn't even know who holds the mortage on our house! The kids always come to me with problems and questions and requests. In the past H was away a lot and it was just me -- like being a single mom. I try to include H in decisions regarding the kids, but I think he's lost in that regards. I'll give it more thought, though.

Maybe I should go out and do something horrible and then H would HAVE to forgive me and that pendulum would come back to center. No, ain't worth it. Hubby's gotta figure this one out on his own, I guess.

Matilda

[ANS]

Mattie,

Guess it comes down to the fact that someone - even our spouse - has as much control over us as we allow them to have.

So, in a sense, he's right. You do have that power.

All you can do is to show him that you won't exercise that power.

How do you do that? Simply by not exercising that power. There's no other way to do it. Of course, it'll take time for him to believe in his heart of hearts that you won't. After all, he kinda thinks that he deserves whatever he gets.

So, the realization that you speak of will only come with time.

But don't make a , Mattie. Like we all say, time is on your side. It's the hell he built around himself, and you don't have to share it. As long as you don't contribute to it.

BTW, I'm not suggesting that you are contributing, all I'm saying is that these feelings are his, and that you can't change that.

TTFN,
Andy

[matilda]

Andy,

I'm sure I have contributed in some ways. Maybe without even realizing it. H tends to "hear" only what he wants to, I think.

Example: At last MC session H told MC that I keep say things like "if we don't stay together." Well, I couldn't for the life of me recall what he was talking about. Days later I remembered. In one of our conversations when we were discussing the ramifications of his A on our M I told him that "even if we didn't stay together" the pain would still be there. There was a lot more to it than that, but what I was trying to get across was that leaving him would not "fix" me. It would not make me better; it would not make the hurt less; it would not make me happier. I was trying to tell him that the pain would be even deeper because I would have lost my best friend, my lover, my husband. I guess that part didn't come across. What he took away from the conversation was that I "always" say things like "if we don't stay together," and that keeps him off balance.

But I think you're right. He's in his own private hell, which he created all on his own and he's going to have to fix it all on his own. I'll do my best not to contribute to it. I'll do my best to just keep loving him and supporting him. Although, sometimes I think that just makes it worse for him. It makes him feel more guilty and more worthless because I've handled myself with dignity and compassion for him about this (most of the time!). Maybe I ought to get really, really furious -- throw him out and make him earn his way back home. Maybe then he'll feel like he deserves me. Well, I don't think I have the strength to do that, so he'll have to deal with it in his own way.

Mattie