I think quick decisions out of emotions are what created our m sit. So I would totally agree with your point of view. Time is the key. Not to rush into any decision.
Sometimes I think the problem is we detach so far, learn to accept the loss of our marriages, GAL, start to love our lives "even without the spouse" and then when they come back it's not so easy to "reattach." We think, "Hey, maybe life would be better without this person who caused us so much pain...."
This has been my thought exactly the last few weeks. It's like, to get what we want, either our spouse or our lives back, we have to to something (detach) that may make it impossible to take them back once they do.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Sometimes I think the problem is we detach so far, learn to accept the loss of our marriages, GAL, start to love our lives "even without the spouse" and then when they come back it's not so easy to "reattach." We think, "Hey, maybe life would be better without this person who caused us so much pain...."
This has been my thought exactly the last few weeks. It's like, to get what we want, either our spouse or our lives back, we have to to something (detach) that may make it impossible to take them back once they do.
My H detached so far he won't consider taking me back. However, in my sitch I never threated divorce, but would not consider coming back until things had improved between us. I don't know if it makes a difference. There seems to be quite a bit of this on this board. Everyone has there limits, but I hope that people do not let go and instead remind themselves of the possibilities for their marriage and their spouse.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Hummmm..... I don't know if you can detach to the point of having no possibility of reattaching. I've actually met quite a few people who divorced for awhile and then got back together and remarried. I just think it's not always so easy to "reattach." Probably because you're trying to create a new relationship and it's difficult to balance reattaching with some of the positives you gained from detaching.
I know with in my own marriage I did have to completely "let go" of it. The way I described it was that I left the "door open," but didn't stand there trying to lure him in or talk him into walking through it. I figured, until the divorce was final the door was "open." And in the meantime, rather than focus on what he was doing I'd work on me and creating a great "place to live." Walking through that door would have to be his decision entirely. And I didn't want him walking through it unless he was completely certain he wanted to be with me.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
There seems to be quite a bit of this on this board. Everyone has there limits, but I hope that people do not let go and instead remind themselves of the possibilities for their marriage and their spouse.
Well that is the catch isn't it. When you think of your marriage and your spouse, it is hard to not think about the pain that this person caused. HIC, your sit is totally different from mine an d many others here and I think some of us have issues with our WAW's that are a bit unique. When a woman walks away from her children, there is a separation of the heart that cannot be explained. I loved my wife and the mother of my children. She has lost all attractive qualities to me. I miss my wife and the life we used to have but those days are gone and they will never be the same. If a woman walks away from her husband, that is one thing. Adults can deal with the issues and work through things. When you decide that you want to be a single college student in your mid thirties and walk out on your entire family....that is different.
I may not fit in on this board but I hope if any potential WAW reads any of my posts, that she may give a second thought to what she is doing. My wife has severed the relationship with her family out of totally selfish motives. It is far easier to detach from her than I thought. I can tell by her recent behavior that she is also surprised that I do not seem interested in her or spending any time with her.
What I gain from this board is the support of folks who are in similar sits and good insight on how to focus on and work on me.
I love marriage and I loved being married. I hate divorce, but there are consequences for our actions. My wife's actions have caused me to fall out of love with her. I have no desire to be married to her any longer. It pains me to say that.
God luck to you in your sit HIC, I wish my wife had your insight and courage to admit she was wrong.
HIC, your sit is totally different from mine an d many others here and I think some of us have issues with our WAW's that are a bit unique. What I gain from this board is the support of folks who are in similar sits and good insight on how to focus on and work on me.
If you had made this statement when I first joined this board I would have agreed with you 100%, but I have learned that in a lot of ways we are alike. I do agree that children can change the equation. I can't imagine the pain of what your W has done to you and especially your children.
I think that we can all learn from each other. I don't know how else to respond. Thank you for your thoughts.
Best of luck to you!!!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
HIC, I hope you realize I meant no offense. I was just prefacing my statement with that comment to say that I don't see you in the same light. I know I come across as angry towards my wife and I am. But I highly value your (HIC) and any other former WAW's opinion. It is like gold to me right now. I wish my wife was more of a woman like you. I don't know what she is thinking and am not sure that she does either.
My response was brief because I didn't want to make assumptions about your response to me. It is difficult to communicate through this medium at the risk of our words being misunderstood.
If you were to ask your wife if she understood the sitch she may tell you that she knows exactly what she is doing and thinking, but I can tell you she doesn't especially with having had an EA. Having an EA can make the most perfect of marriages seem like war of the roses. I just had a conversation with a friend last night in which I described the past 1.5 yrs as a nightmare in which I was snatched by aliens and if you had told me just 2yrs ago I would be in my sitch or that I would ever sep. from my H I would have said your crazy. I don't fully understand my mindset during the period of sep. I really did one day just wake up. Your wife may do the same and she may not. I pray for the sake of, if nothing else your children, she does.
All the best!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Me too and thanks for your insight. I can not begin to tell me how much saner it makes my life when I read stories like yours. Makes me feel like I am not in some strange episode of the Twilight Zone all by myself.
I can tell you that my 180's and going dark have had an effect on her. She knows that she hurt me and has said things like she knows I don't want anything to do with her. I don't think she has changed her mind but the fog is lifting a bit. She is the one initiating all of the contact at this point. I am trying to detach but am not sure if it will be a complete detach. I try to think about the best things for my kids too, but sometimes the pain and anguish of what she has done overshadows even that. I am glad I have God to work on my conscience.
I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I am still hoping and praying that things work out for you. I have spent a lot of time in prayer as of late as I have come to believe that it may be my best hope.
I appreciate all that you share from your sitch it has given me insight and hope for my W coming out of the fog at some point. I just try not to dwell on it too much. It seems to work best if I focus on today and don't worry about what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow.
I have learned that it is in God's hands and it always was. Hang in there! You are doing amazing things!.
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
