Violet, Great to hear from you and hope all is well.Yes I agree that being in limbo sucks.I have asked her about this and she says it's not me but it is all in her head.I wish she would get conseling.She called last night and wanted me to go shopping with her and the kids and I wasn't home so she paged and I didn't hear the pager until later and then I called her cell and she told me what she wanted and started asking where I was and then she called me a couple of more times to ask me questions.She keeps saying that we have to be friends again first and that is fine.The only thing is that I didn't want this relationship to start like our first one where she had a crush on me and basicly used sex to keep me interested until I fell for her,too bad she won't letme do this.She wants me to ask her out but yet she won't go out on a date so I keep trying.I am trying to give myself a time limit if things don't change but don't know what to do.
You know if you pull away and make yourself unavailable she'll wonder what's up and she'll come running. Not sure how you're surviving without sex because you've obviously invested a whole lot in this relationship. That saying (at least from my experience-as a woman-is true) the more you have the more you want it and the less you have the less you want it. Sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that.
Things suck for me right now. We had a big fight this a.m. and it just makes me feel like we really haven't come any further than before. Same old stuff: money, lack of money, my career, him accusing me of leaving for some mysterious OM. Sorry, I'm not too cheery right now.
But, I still think you have a good chance of getting back together! Be good or at least have some fun. Life is too short for all this Bull.
Thanks for reading my stuff and for your comment. I've survivied this latest melt down and have gotten better pretty quickly. We are headed for a couple's therapy session soon which hopefully will help also.
I've read your first and last page here so far. There is so much healthy going on with you! This may be hard to read because it wouldn�t be your first choice, but your worst case scenario, if you keep working on yourself, is that you end up with an excellent co-parenting arrangement. If you don�t get remarried that sure is the next best thing you could possibly give your children. My daughter got pregnant toward the end of a relationship. He was drinking and in other ways being a jerk. He took off for close to 2 years and in that time my daughter met another immature guy who moved in and little by little started being a real parent to my granddaughter. Bio-dad got his act together and came back to be a more responsible dad but was still a pretty whiney guy. He got better than his parents who are irresponsible, critical and also whiney. My daughter was impressed that BD (bio-dad) was doing better than his parents but couldn�t handle all that whining. BD got a girlfriend that he has now been with for about 6 years. My daughter married about 4 years ago. My granddaughter has 2 dads, 4 sets of grandparents that adore her, at least 6 great-grandparents (she is very close to my parents) and everybody gets along great! I am so proud of them all, especially BD and SD (step-dad) because they�ve both come a long way. If BD had handled himself differently it could have been just plain D. What is wonderful is that all of these young people are working on themselves and are making the best of the situation they have. That is all any of us can do. Don�t waste your energy and love pining about the past, it all happened just the way it happened, be as patient with yourself as you would with your precious child that you are teaching how to be the best person they can be. Be nurturing with yourself but also lovingly set limits with yourself. You are doing an awesome job! You are the #1 man in your XW�s life. If that changes handle it as gracefully as you can�it�s not your decision it�s hers. However, it sounds to me like if you hang in there learning all about just how far patience can go, and how to keep your mouth shut, how to be an excellent friend, in short how to really love, and you do it for you and for permanent, you are probably going to get her back. If not, WOW what a great dad those kids have. You will make the world a better place just by being you. You are doing great! Keep it up! I�m rootn for you too! 2L
Thanks velvet and 2learn Xw stopped by last night after her meeting and shot fireworks with me and the kids and some friends and then went home.We are having our oldest B-day party at my house saturday with a bunch of D friends.I just can't get it out of my head that she wants to come back,if I can wait her out.If I don't it will be a rude change for her being able to come to my house anytime she wants and doing anything.I am the main person she hangs out with and I guess thats a good sign
It's so difficult to see that you are meant to be together and yet play it cool and let them figure that out for themselves. Our situation is very different. My H says he has always wanted to be married to me and was using the affair as an outlet. He was very inexperienced with women and was very flattered by the OW's attention. Absolutely I needed to make changes and we still have issues to work out. He knew he was risking my leaving if I found out. He says that for the last 2 years of the affair he saw it as a burden that he didn't know how to end. He was glad to have to move and had purposed himself to improve our marriage. If anyone had sought a divorce it would have been me. He says he was burned terribly by that affair and will never allow anything like that to happen again. Of course he was also shocked that it happened a first time. We do well as long as we are communicating. When he works 18-20 hours a day for 3 weeks and I feel like I can't disturb him for anything my imagination starts running. I try to tell myself that if we split I wouldn't see him at all so I should be able to handle this. He gets so far removed that he doesn't realize how badly I'm hurting. The good news is that we seem to have gotten back on track quickly, he's eager to go to a couple's session and maybe I will be able to stay on meds a short time. That would be wonderful.
Well I got drug into an OR talk at noon and even though I know they never work it happened.We have had worse but I am to the point that I don't know how much space to give her and whether it will ever help or matter.We see each other almost every day and we have to spend time together she wants to be friends but she doesn't go forward and I get to wondering if I am just wasting my time.
Well we had another really good weekend and spent alot of time together and it all went very well.She still tells me that she isn't ready for a relationship yet and I know I have to just give her time.I just can't figure out if all the stuff she is doing is normal for an XW.I am going to really try to give space this week and see what happens.
Well didn't have such a good noon hour.Got into a OR talk because XW says she isn't ready for a relationship but we spend most weekends together and several times during the week,we are not physical but we get along just fine.She said she was tired of the arguing and this is something I must work on I know,the only time we argue is when we are apart and the only thing it is about is OR.She said she doesn't even want to be friends now,and she has said this before but she comes back.I told her that think about it for a few days and then let me know and we will go from there.A couple of weeks ago she ask me to wait if she could give me what she could and I could give her space and I said that was fine.I am almost to the point that I want to tell her to get her stuff out and start paying the rent she is supposed to be paying to me and then she can do whatever she wants and then maybe she will see how good she has it.She did say this weekend that she knew that I had always been nice to her through the whole thing.She wants and wants but doesn't want to give.It's kind of turned around because when we were unger I was just getting out of a R and she wanted to get in one and I kind of blew her off and then we ended up together.What should I do?
It sounds like you have pushed continually for about 3 weeks now and things are regressing. I thought you had pushed it pretty hard a while back and were then going to back off but most of your posts refer to your XW not wanting to give any more or you telling her you won't wait forever. You know the current plan isn't working so you have to change it. You have been as patient as a saint up until the last couple weeks and I commend you for that.
She won't tell you exactly why she can't commit and maybe even she doesn't know. That is the hand you have been dealt. You seem to be banging your head against the wall right now so stop that. Do something different. If your patience is running short either find more or back off to a comfortable stance. You don't want to ruin the positives you do have. I would lessen the contact with her but not eliminate it. Just take a little breather and do more for yourself without alienating her.
My goal is to have a loving, functional M and my ideal is to have that with my current W. I think that is a pretty healthy place for all of us to be. You have hung in there this long so just don't do anything to destroy all of that progress. She needs space and it sounds like you are to a point that you do too. Good luck.
thanks tbone you are right and I am trying to stay away from her for a while.It just seems so hard living in a small town and working across the street from her.It seems like we are always either talking or running into each other.Thanks for you're advise and I will work on it.
