I've been reading here, trying to find a situation similar to mine to no avail so I am posting to hopefully get some help for my dilemma.
H and I have been married for 12 years, 3 children (10, 8, 5 years old). We've never had the world's most passionate sex life but it was at its best when I have been the initiator such as when my hormones kicked into overdrive when I was pregnant with my son or if I've been drinking and come on to him (I'm not a big drinker so this is infrequent). The problem is that I am not "naturally" an initiator, and take some time to get in the mood (like the average woman probably). I have done things like gotten myself "aroused" so that I could come on to him and he'd be receptive but I really crave him coming on to me. We have had many conversations about this and he agrees to initiate more but then it always ends up eventually to how it was. Our sex life has been pretty infrequent, averaging 2 to 3 times per month yet my husband mb's (masturbates) every 1-2 days. When he does seem to want sex with me occurs on average every week and a half. He will show his interest by sucking up to me or actually saying that he wants sex. This would be more palatable if he had a low drive but, like I said, he mb's like the average mans drive. It makes me feel like I'm sort of the last resort after the hand gets old and I'm left feeling inadequate, unattractive and undesirable. When I have confronted him about this he gets defensive and sometimes angry and tells me that he "does love having sex with me" He is a major conflict avoider so I doubt that he would even tell me what the problem is if there is one.
I am very attractive, in good shape, work out a lot, good hygiene. I get a lot of attention from men yet my own husband doesn't appear interested in me.
Our recent dry stretch has been a last straw for me. He now wants sex. But there has been nothing for three weeks now. Yet he won't deny that he's been mb'ing every day or two. He has given me a bunch of excuses when I asked him such as he's been "busy", yet he's spent hours watching news coverage, "sick" , which was true for 3 days (not 3 weeks), "kids were sick" (true for a couple of days but I take care of them for the most part and they go to sleep at 8:30, we're up til 10 or 11 pm), etc. with more excuses.
I don't want to go back to our old sex life so I decided to do what he does, mb to satisfy myself instead of going to him. He doesn't like this one bit. but I've simply had it. I feel an almost physical repulsion to going back to what was "normal" for us. I told him that until he can be proactive in making a better sex life I would not be having sex with him(up to now all positive changes have been my responsibility). Help! I don't want to go back to what we had before but I don't want a sexless marriage either. Do I have to resign myself to a life of little to no sex? Working things out with a conflict avoider is nearly impossible. Can anyone help me?
It's amazing on this board that men and women have the same issues but with the opposite sex! I guess if we were all matched up perfectly we wouldn’t be here.
Amber, please take a look at my sitch, "I'm back, need some help,” and give it some thought from your perspective. I in turn will give your sitch some thought from a male perspective and we’ll see if we can help each other out.
Is it that you want him to be the initiator, or he just is avoiding sex when you bring it up/want it? Also, what does he say about it? Is it getting routine and not exiting? Any ED issues?
I can ID with your H on the self service aspect, it's easier than dealing with the problem. My W many times acts disinterested and that really kills my satisfaction, it's not that much fun and can give a big complex if you dwell on it.
(Now my turn to be blunt) I don't mean to make this seem like a porn site, but have you thought of "MBing" with him? Just tyring to throw out some possible 180s here.
I'd prefer if he wasn't passive when he wanted sex. Yes, I've brought it up, we've been to counseling. He admits that he gets passive when he wants to be active but is afraid of rejection. I think that I have inadvertently (sp?) rejected him when the kids were little and I was too exhausted to have sex. I think it's that we've just gotten into a pattern that we both don't like (him passively wanting sex, me not knowing he wants it, him MB'ing, me discouraged that he doesn't seem interested unless I initiate) pathetic, eh? LOL!
Blunt is good (BTW, I meant to write "muthafuka" on your thread but spelled it wrong and it looks really obscene when I re-read it..)
Yes, we have MB'ed together. It always winds up as full on sex which is fine by us both. I really don't think it's about the MB, just that the MB is the "easy way" for him to "get some" and it's become an unhealthy pattern with him/us.
It's anywhere from fair to mind blowing when we actually do have sex. It's just the leading up to it that's the sticking point.
I'm trying to "undo" the pattern like I read about in The Sex Starved Wife book by doing the opposite of what I normally do. What I normally do would be to cave and initiate with him so it's what he fully expects me to do. I'm doing the opposite and hopefully he'll step up to the plate and start being more sexually aggressive to start things off and get comfortable being more assertive that way. I dunno - guess that's why I'm here, LOL!
Sounds familiar. I can tell you that one thing that got me into the pattern was the constant rejection, overtly and indirectly. My wife has a habit of telegraphing the "I'm tired/stressed/too fat/too hungry/preoccupied" etc so I just gave up.
Let's say I ask. I may not be terribly randy, but could do it IF my wife was into it. What usually happens is she may acquiesce, but will be detached and not that into what's going on. The partner picks up on this. I do, and I know lots of other spouses do too. That's the unwanted side effect of "just do it" IMO. If I was an insensitive dolt, I wouldn't care and I'd just use my wife as a pincushion and be a happy dude. I just expect this to be mutually pleasurable, if it's not I'm not going there. Too creepy.
If none of this applies to your sitch, then I'm not much help.
Sounds familiar. I can tell you that one thing that got me into the pattern was the constant rejection, overtly and indirectly. My wife has a habit of telegraphing the "I'm tired/stressed/too fat/too hungry/preoccupied" etc so I just gave up.
Let's say I ask. I may not be terribly randy, but could do it IF my wife was into it. What usually happens is she may acquiesce, but will be detached and not that into what's going on. The partner picks up on this. I do, and I know lots of other spouses do too. That's the unwanted side effect of "just do it" IMO. If I was an insensitive dolt, I wouldn't care and I'd just use my wife as a pincushion and be a happy dude. I just expect this to be mutually pleasurable, if it's not I'm not going there. Too creepy.
I can totally identify with this - especially the "telegraphing" pattern. Even if I initiate it ain't happening unless it is on HIS agenda, and I get little forwarning when it IS so I don't get the pleasure of build-up. Don't have any advice because we are working through a lot of relationship issues at the moment, but I can commiserate, which isn't really much help other than to know that you aren't alone with this kind of problem... Debby
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
